


We know what we are but not what we may be

by witch0000



Series: Redemption [2]
Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/F, Lesbians, Love, Lust, Redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:08:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 49,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26241676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witch0000/pseuds/witch0000
Summary: The title is from Shakespeare's Hamlet, act 4, scene 5 This particular line definitely seems to echo the theme of uncertainty that pervades the play. Both Ophelia and Hamlet are acutely aware of, and tormented by, their present selves but are anxious about the vast and unknowable potentials of their futures.Serena, June and Hannah have escaped Gilead, and are living in Nova Scotia under new identities. This story is about pain and healing, anger and forgiveness, despair and hope. Before they can move forward, they have to heal. But is it even possible?
Relationships: June Osborne | Offred & Serena Joy Waterford, June Osborne | Offred/Serena Joy Waterford
Series: Redemption [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1906195
Comments: 7
Kudos: 28





	1. Nightmares and Other Bogeymen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena is inpatient at the Agency hospital, trying to recover from her long term undercover assignment in Gilead. She wakes up from a nightmare disoriented, and trying to make sense of her dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Part 2 of the Redemption Series. This will make a lot more sense if you read Part 1--Midnight. Part 1 focuses on the beginning of Serena and June's relationship, their escape from Gilead, and what happens in the few weeks immediately following their escape. Serena Waterford is not who she seemed to be in Gilead, and that has made all the difference.
> 
> In Part 1, we learn that Serena, June, and Hannah had to adopt new identities to keep them hidden from Gilead. They are known as the Prince family--Suzanne (Serena), Elizabeth (June), and Holly (Hannah). The three of them generally refer to each other as Serena, June and Hannah, but almost without exception, anyone else in their lives know them only as Suzanne, Elizabeth and Holly Prince, to protect their new identities. I hope that's not too confusing to the reader, but I prefer that they call each other by their television character names rather than their new identities. It would have felt odd to have Serena and June have dialogue with each other and completely omit their TV character names.
> 
> Part 2 focuses on the psychological recovery of Serena, and the impact of recent events on June. I wanted to explore the difficulty Serena has in resuming a normal sort of life after playing the role of Serena Waterford for 16 years as an undercover agent. I have no degree in psychology, but I have experience with PTSD therapy, so nothing written in the descriptions of therapy sessions should be considered actual therapeutic advice/content. June will also have some issues adjusting, and can't seem to stop looking over her shoulder. I hope you enjoy this pair as much as I do.

Serena screamed and sat up in bed, drenched in a cold sweat. She looked around at her surroundings, not remembering where she was. It took her a few moments to realize that she was in her new room in the psychiatric wing of the ‘spook’ hospital, as June liked to call it. The room did little to comfort her. It was cold, sterile, and hopefully, very temporary. She turned the lamp on and swung her legs over the side of the bed and made her way over to the bathroom where she splashed cold water on her face and took off her drenched t-shirt. She soaked a washcloth in cold water and proceeded to wipe her torso and arms off, then left it pressed to the back of her neck while she dried herself with one of the not-so-soft hospital towels. This place had few comforts, but she supposed that was for the best. The goal was not to make patients comfortable, but to incentivize them to get well and move on. _That can’t happen soon enough for me_ , Serena thought.

She wanted to take a shower, but it was 3:00 am, and she didn’t want to disturb any of her neighbors. She settled for the bird bath she’d just given herself and found a clean t-shirt in a drawer to replace the one she’d soaked through.

Nightmares were nothing new to Serena. They were a regular occurrence since she left Gilead. She marveled at how she’d never been bothered by them while she was on her undercover assignment, but now that she was finally out of there, they had become an almost nightly occurrence. _Maybe I didn’t have nightmares because I had to sleep with one eye open all the time. Now, my guard is down and my psyche feels free to work out the conflicts that are raging inside my mind._ She got back into bed, sat up against her pillows, and opened her journal. One of her counselors had suggested that she start writing, to record not only the details of the dreams, but how they made her feel. But that always confused her—because she was always clear about how Serena felt about—well, about everything. But when it came to Suzanne Prince, she was much less clear on identifying those feelings.

 **The Dream:** _The nightmare was a particularly gruesome one. I’m in the Waterford’s home—but I’m Serena—and she couldn’t find Offred—June. She looked in every room, she searched the grounds, and she searched the greenhouse. She even crawled up into the attic, and still, no June. Finally, in desperation, she climbed the stairs to Nick’s apartment, where she saw a light burning in the window. She saw a silhouette of a man and a woman, locked in a passionate embrace, and in her dream-state, she felt rage and terror burn through Serena—and me—like wildfire. She wrenched the door open and stormed in to find June, completely naked and in the arms of Luke, her husband. “What the fuck are you doing, June?” Serena asked._

_“I’m making love with my husband—what does it look like I’m doing, Serena?” June responded in that snarky voice that she adopted for certain situations—such as being caught red-handed at doing something that was forbidden._

_Serena walked up to the two of them and physically separated them, and tossed June’s Handmaid dress to her and ordered her to put it on. June complied, glaring at Serena the entire time. Luke stood there, motionless for a few moments, then he picked up his pile of clothing and hastily put them on. When June finished dressing, Serena wrenched her arm and dragged her away from Luke, propelling her towards the door._

_“Wait!” June said, her anger boiling hot. “Serena, go outside and wait for me. I’m going to say a civilized good-bye to my husband, since I’ll never see him again—thanks to you.”_

_“You made your fucking choice, June. You picked freedom. You picked me.”_

_“I know what I did, and I know why I did it. But I hurt him, and I need to say I’m sorry,” June said, unapologetically. “You won, Serena—ok? Now let me have a minute to say goodbye, and for god’s sake, just go wait at the bottom of the stairs.”_

_Wordlessly, Serena spun on her heel and left the apartment, leaving the door wide open as she marched down the stairs. Her heart was beating a mile a minute--she was going to lose June! She just knew it! In the dream, Serena was pacing back and forth, her nervous-energy seeking an outlet. Finally, June and Luke walked down the stairs together, holding hands, and June was no longer wearing her Handmaid’s dress, but instead had on jeans with a pink hoodie, and a pair of Converse high tops. As the couple reached the bottom of the stairs, June stood up on her toes, brought her lips to Serena’s and gave her a passionate kiss, then whispered, “thank you,” as she and her husband ran off into the night. And before Serena could react in the dream, I woke up._

**How I feel about the dream:** _Serena is desperate to keep June with her. She needs her, she wants her, and she doesn’t know how to share. She finds June and Luke together which is only the 2 nd worse scenario she’s imagined, which is June and Nick together. She’s not a man, and if that’s what June wants and needs to make her feel happy, then she knows she cannot compete—but Serena can still keep her hostage emotionally. _

_Me—Suzanne—in the dream, I’m just about 100% right there with Serena in the feelings department. I’m desperate to find June and terrified I might lose her. But when she is holding hands with her husband, reunited again, and skipping off into the distance together, part of me feels like I should be happy for her. But Serena isn’t the only one who loves June. We both do, and I have to make peace with that. And in the dream, I know, and Serena knows, the world just ended for us when she leaves with Luke._

Intellectually, Suzanne was generally appalled at Serena’s behavior, and lack of filter on her mouth. But emotionally, she couldn’t tell the difference between what she was feeling and what Serena was feeling. _Fuck. This is not good. I’m pretty much stuck in Serena mode, and while I “know” that what she wants, what she feels, and how she behaves is so wrong and beyond the pale—they’re the same things that I want and feel. The only difference is that I am fighting not to behave like her. But I still feel her feelings._

Knowing that sleep was a distant dream at this point, she put her hair up in a pony tail, got out of bed and slipped on a sports bra, workout shorts and trainers. The spook hospital had a state-of-the-art gym that was open 24 hours a day. Working out was something that separated herself from Serena, and in moments of crisis—like right now—it was one of the healthier strategies the program had suggested for her to resolve her inner conflicts outside of behavioral and talk-therapy. Plus, it was a part of her physical recovery program to spend time in the gym every day, as well as working out with a trainer.

She scanned her key-card and opened the door to the gym, relieved to find herself alone. Anything more challenging than free weights and walking on a treadmill was off limits currently. As her lungs regained strength, she was told she would be able to start running again. That was something she—Suzanne—had enjoyed throughout high school and college and continued until her undercover assignment had begun. For now, the treadmill would have to suffice. She started walking at 3 miles per hour, then after 5 minutes, increased it to 3.7, with a 5-degree incline. She clicked on the television, and scrolled through the channels until she found an episode of a really old romantic comedy. The lead characters were a nerdy guy who swallows a giant database full of CIA and NSA secrets, and the sexy blond super-spy CIA agent assigned to protect him as her ‘asset’. He, of course, falls madly, head-over-heels in love with her, and she is the uber-competent spy taught always to hide her emotions, and put her job first because lives depended on it. She says to the nerdy guy, “spies don’t fall in love,” but clearly, her spy mask is slipping. Annoyed, Serena changed the channel to something with music videos and increased her speed to 4 miles an hour, spending the next 30 minutes focused on putting one foot in front of the other, regulating her breath, and trying not to scream. _I know, I know…I wasn’t supposed to fall in love. I know! But I did, and here I am, and I blew a technically flawless operation to bits because I had to have June. She changed me—or rather, she took my mask off, and then I couldn’t put it back on. And the worst thing is the whole time we were in Gilead, she didn’t know that I was anyone other than evil Serena—but she got into a relationship with her anyway. And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know me at all. Hell, I don’t know me anymore either. And it doesn’t matter if Suzanne might be nicer than Serena, or a better person. She didn’t fall for nice—she fell for mean._ Serena upped the speed to 5.7 miles per hour and started running, her feet pounding the treadmill with every step. She was trying very hard not to think anymore, because all of her thoughts ran to despair. She was never going to get better and get out of this place if all she did was whine and moan and groan about how she might lose June. Serena would never do that! But it was all Suzanne could do.

With her heart pounding and her breath ragged, she kept up the fast pace for 10 minutes, then slowed the speed down to 3.5, then 2.7, then to a slow walk to cool down. When she finished, she went over to the water cooler for a drink, then made her way over to the free weights. Her chest was still tight even after catching her breath, so she took two puffs of her Ventolin inhaler—a new addition since the anthrax poisoning and her brief stint on a respirator. Then she proceeded to spend the next hour doing weighted lunges, squats, bicep curls, push-ups, sit ups, overhead presses, and any other exercises her mind could conjure up, until she felt exhaustion creeping in. She decided not to push her luck, so she wiped down the equipment, had another drink of water, and left. She ran into two patients she knew from the program who were just coming in to start their workout. They nodded to each other, unsmiling, as Serena headed back to her room to take a shower and change, after which she would go to the dining room for breakfast with the other ‘inmates’ as they irreverently called themselves. And then, the therapy sessions would begin. _Another fucking day in paradise._


	2. Wear the dress, pull the strings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serena has a session with her therapist and comes to some important realizations.

Serena said she’d try the inpatient therapy thing for at least a couple of weeks. That was to appease the Agency, her friends, and perhaps give June a little peace of mind that she wouldn’t have to be on suicide watch 24/7 when she went back home. But every day was a struggle. She hadn’t realized how deeply she’d committed to ‘being’ Serena Joy Waterford, but apparently, she had. And not being Serena Waterford was proving to be a very daunting challenge. She had to summon all of her patience to tolerate the therapy sessions, the probing of feelings, and the self-examination—all things that as a spy, she just couldn’t afford.

She had made it past the first few days without hitting anyone or screaming at the top of her lungs, or demanding whatever it is she wanted at the moment. She thought that was progress. But June had been right—Serena’s claws were deeply embedded in her, and it would take time to dislodge them.

She knocked on the door to her counselor’s office, and when granted permission, opened the door, and sat in one of the chairs facing opposite the counselor. Her name was Gretchen White and she was a bit older than Serena—by about 10 years. She was smart, and good at her job. She didn’t let Serena get away with much.

“How have you been feeling since the last time I saw you?” Gretchen asked.

“Where shall I start? Perhaps with the soul-crushing nightmares I’m having? Or maybe the deep despair I feel knowing that a monster lives inside of me and I can’t get her out of my head?” Serena said.

“Let’s start with the soul-crushing nightmares,” Gretchen suggested, and Serena handed over her dream journal. Gretchen waved her off and said “nice try, but I need you to tell me about it in your own words.”

“Then why did you tell me to write it down if you were just going to make me relive it again?” Serena asked, keeping her temper in check.

“It’s called talking about your feelings and working them out. Some of that work is done internally, some with writing it down and thinking about it, and some with talking about it. It makes it lose its power over you, and helps you understand whatever it is that the dream is trying to communicate to you,” Gretchen said, matter-of-factly. “And I know how much you want this to be a fast process, so the more you talk, the faster this works. The more you pout, and argue with me, and stomp your feet, the longer this will take.”

Serena released her anger in a deep sigh, and recounted her dream in as much detail as she could remember.

“So what do you think the dream was trying to show you, or help you work out?” Gretchen asked.

“Isn’t that what you’re going to tell me?”

“I could tell you my thoughts, but only you can really know what it’s trying to tell you—it’s your dream. Why don’t you tell me what you think it was really about, and when you’re done—if you want--I’ll offer my thoughts. Deal?” Gretchen asked.

Slightly mollified, Serena thought for a minute, then said, “Clearly, at this moment in time, I feel much more like Serena Waterford, than I do myself. My undercover identity—Mrs. Waterford—is the embodiment of every nasty, horrible thing I had to do while I was undercover. So in the dream, it wasn’t just Serena Waterford searching desperately for June—it was me too. And when she stormed into the apartment and pulled June and her husband apart—that was pure Serena Waterford, and I was 100% on board with how she was handling it. In fact, for the entirety of the dream, I felt like I was Serena and Serena was me. Except for that moment when Luke and June go off together. There was a tiny part of me that was just happy that June was going to be happy—even if it wasn’t going to be with me. But the rest of me and all of Serena was devastated, because a big fear of mine is that June won’t be able to let go of her husband, and she’ll break her cover and seek him out. Basically, I’m afraid that she’ll choose him over me.”

“When you say “me”, who do you mean?” Gretchen asked.

“Suzanne Prince,” she replied.

“I didn’t ask you who you think you’re supposed to be when you say “me”, I asked you who “me” really is.”

“I don’t want to answer that.”

“I’m sure you don’t, but that says a lot in itself, doesn’t it?” Gretchen said, holding several long minutes of silence while Serena processed her thoughts and decided how to respond.

“Me is somewhere between Serena Waterford and Suzanne Prince. I’m fine with people here calling me Suzanne. I have no problem with Lizette, Jean-Guy, or Georges calling me Suzanne—they don’t know me by any other name, so it’s not uncomfortable. I have no trouble with the Agency, or any other agencies referring to me as Suzanne Prince. It feels ok, it feels like ‘me’, and I’m not uncomfortable. And it’s ok when June and I are in public and she calls me Suzanne. But when we’re alone and she does it, it’s jarring. It makes me feel like an imposter.”

“So with most of the world, you feel like Suzanne Prince, correct? That name feels right to you?”

“Yes.”

“But when you are with June, you like it when she calls you Serena?”

“Yes.”

“And is that when you feel somewhere between Serena Waterford and Suzanne Prince? With June?” Gretchen asked.

“No, actually—I always feel that way—in between Serena and Suzanne, or a hybrid of the two.”

“And do you have a judgement about that?

“Judgement? What do you mean?”

“Do you judge yourself for thinking and feeling like Serena?” Gretchen asked.

“Of course I do. She’s a terrible person. She did terrible things,” Serena said, looking directly at Gretchen.

“Who created the persona of Serena Waterford?” Gretchen asked.

“The Agency did. I just stepped into the role. They gave me a character outline, identity papers, a ghost-written book with my face on it and dropped me into a life with enough of a backstory that I could run with. They invented her politics, her dogma, her creed. I just followed it."

”So the Agency told you, A to Z, every thought, feeling, behavior, emotion, and reaction that your character, Serena Waterford, should have in every possible instance,” Gretchen said.

“Well no—that wouldn’t have been possible. I was on my own for the majority of the mission. I rarely saw my handler because it was too dangerous. So I just followed the general outline of the character, and adjusted it as needed to make sure that I ‘fit in’ with the Sons of Jacob and their ‘style’ if you want to call it that,” Serena said.

“Who told you to make Serena ruthless and cold?”

“From the character outline and the book that she ‘wrote’, I made certain assumptions in regards to her inflexibility, and her passionate drive for what she believed in—it was all very Machiavellian with those people—the ends justify the means. And she had to fit in with the Sons of Jacob and they are all cruel, heartless mother-fuckers.”

“What would have happened to your cover identity if you’d been soft, pliable, compliant, subservient—at least at the beginning?” Gretchen asked.

“Fred would have had nothing to do with Serena. He was mesmerized by her aura, her power and strength—all things he coveted, but did not naturally possess.”

“Let me switch gears for a moment. I want to talk about who you were before your mission. Were you mentally strong?”

“Yes, absolutely. I scored the highest of any field agent in my class in mental toughness tests,” Serena said.

“Did you feel your own sense of personal power?”

“Yes—I’ve always been able to have my opinion heard and considered—and often was able to sway people in my direction,” Serena said.

“And how about passionate drive—how were you, before your mission, at doing what you believed in the core of your soul was right, no matter how big the sacrifice, how long it took, how many people were hurt—literally at all costs.”

Suzanne was quiet. Gretchen waited. This was a game of chess, and Gretchen was an expert.

After the silence stretched past 3 minutes, Serena spoke. “Yes. I was exactly that. I took this assignment because I knew, in my heart, that I was the only person who could pull this off. I was the only one who hated those misogynistic, tyrannical, maniacal bastards enough to live with them, sleep with them, eat at their tables, and fool them at their own game.

“So it was you, ultimately, who created the total Serena Waterford package,” Gretchen stated.

“Yes. It was me. I decided early on that I had to be more over-the-top than they were themselves sometimes. That’s what got me noticed, that’s what got Fred to fall for me, and that’s what solidified my place alongside the Sons of Jacob. Any sign of weakness, and deviation from the creed, would have sealed my fate and rendered me useless.”

“Is there anything you could have done differently?”

“Hindsight is 20/20, of course, but I believe that while I was undercover as Serena Waterford, for the most part, I made the best decisions at the time, with the information available to me.”

“You said, ‘for the most part’. What do you wish you’d done differently?” Gretchen asked.

“I was too over the top with the anti-feminism. I should have done something when they started talking about how they were going to build this army of fertile women. I think sometimes I felt they were just pontificating—no one could actually plan to enslave women who had been living freely for all of their lives, just to have babies for a few elite families. I guess I should have taken everything they said seriously and planned accordingly,” Serena said.

“Wait a minute—do you really believe that you might have done something to keep the Sons of Jacob from creating the social system that they did, including enslaving Handmaids to be brood-mares in furthering their cause. Did you have that kind of power?”

Serena thought for a moment. “No, I never had that kind of power. The power I had was in being Gilead’s poster child, but they stopped listening to me a long time ago. They just used me as their spokesperson, to keep the women in line.”

“So then, let me ask you again, is there anything you wish you’d done differently?”

“I wish I’d been a bit less violent towards June and the household staff, but I was just being the character I created. Serena wasn’t nice. She wasn’t kind, and if she was, it was reserved for people who could give her something. Whatever she did, even if it seemed nice, was self-serving.”

“It sounds to me like there isn’t much you could have changed about how you played the role of Serena Waterford. Not unless you wanted to be rendered useless in your role as a covert operative. It also sounds to me like you did the best that you could under the circumstances. Do you agree?” Gretchen asked.

Without hesitation, Serena answered, “Yes I do.”

“Then consider this. Serena would not have been the formidable force of nature without you pouring your strength, your passion, and your commitment into her. I believe you’re right when you say you were the only person capable of creating Serena Waterford, and to actually ‘be’ her for so many years. But if you want to feel less conflicted, stop hating Serena Waterford for who she was, because you created who she was. It’s why you feel like a hybrid of Serena. Serena has an awful lot of Suzanne inside her. But what I want you to hang onto is this: it’s Serena who is the hybrid of Suzanne—not the other way around. You can hate the things that she did, but know in your heart that you did your job for your country and the world, to the best of your ability. And then, you can start forgiving yourself for those things,” Gretchen said. “And on that note, our time today is just about done. But I see that you have a joint session with Elizabeth scheduled towards the end of the week. How do you feel about that?”

“It will be fine, I’m sure,” Serena said smoothly.

“I’m sorry—I didn’t quite hear that—I thought you said it would be ‘fine’”.

Serena’s body deflated. “I’m scared to death.”

“Better. We’ll talk about it tomorrow. And if you feel so inclined, you might take some notes about our session—you did a lot of hard work today. And although you came to some important realizations today, it will take time for you to actually believe it. It might help you to write it down and re-read it later.”

Serena thanked her and left the office, and headed for the exit. She needed to smoke and think.

When the cool air hit her face, she felt immediately better. She headed for one of the pathways that wound its way around the hospital compound, offering the illusion of a peaceful, calm environment. She likened herself and her fellow inmates to hand grenades. Some of them had their pins firmly in place and were safe—until something or someone pulled the pin out. And others, walked around with their pins pulled out, ready to explode at the slightest provocation. It was interesting being around a bunch of spies. Everyone was so suspicious of everyone and everything, that they gave each other a wide berth. And, since no one was on a “mission”, there was literally no reason to engage each other in conversation. _No wonder the inpatient program lasts for an indefinite period of time. Walls are not broken down overnight—no matter how badly I want to get out of here._

She made her way over to a relatively low stone wall and sat down, dangling her legs off the side. It was a pretty day. The sun was shining and, although it was cool out, the sun felt warm on her face. She sat, her face pointed up towards the sun, and just tried to enjoy this one moment in time. There was no mission, there was no one that needed her, there was nothing to do but just enjoy the feeling of the warm sun on her skin. How long had it been since she’d been able to enjoy this small pleasure that countless people took for granted every single day?

Checking out her surroundings thoroughly, and satisfying herself that she was indeed alone, Serena laid down on the wall, her knees bent and her feet flat up against it, and her long blond hair spilled over the sides. She felt something different—safe? No, that wasn’t possible. She suddenly had the urge to check her surroundings again, but she’d just done that—and there was no one nearby. She resisted the urge to double and triple check to make sure she was alone. She allowed herself to close her eyes for a minute and just not think, and not feel anything except for the sun, and the light breeze washing over her body.

After a few minutes, she heard footsteps coming up the path, so she quickly sat up and saw that it was one of the other inmates. It was a woman that Serena recognized from group therapy, walking with her head down, and constantly looking behind her to make sure she was alone. Serena pulled her cigarettes out of her jacket pocket and took one and lit it, enjoying the relief and calmness the first inhalation brought. As the woman got closer, she hesitated for a moment when she saw Serena, and looked like she was going to turn around. Serena smiled at her and gave a tiny wave with the hand that held her cigarette, and the woman started walking towards her.

“I don’t suppose you might have another one of those, would you?” the woman asked.

“Sure—here you go,” Serena said, passing her the pack and the lighter.

She took a cigarette, lighted it, and returned the pack and the lighter to Serena.

“Thank you,” she said after her first inhale. “I think I needed this.”

Serena chuckled. “Yeah, quitting smoking is at the bottom of my list of ‘to-do’s’. I have bigger fish to fry.”

“I know, right?” said the woman. “The only thing that would make this perfect is a bottle of tequila—oh, and to not be in this fucking place.”

“Yeah—not the Hilton, that’s for sure,” Serena agreed. “So you hate it here to?”

“Are you kidding me? This place is a fucking joke,” Jane said. “Wait a minute—that was unnecessarily negative, as my therapist would say. What I meant to say was, as well-meaning as these people are, I don’t know if they’re ever going to be able to help me. I should have just stayed undercover—I didn’t realize how many feelings would come up when the mission was over. No one put that in the recruitment packet for new undercover agents.”

“Not to pry, but why do you think you should have stayed? I’m only asking because I feel kind of guilty for having to end my mission—maybe I was just being weak and I should have stuck it out,” Serena said.

“I wasn’t getting any more useful intelligence—I hadn’t gotten anything useful for two years before they pulled me out finally. It wasn’t my choice, but I know why they had to do it. It was a waste of resources, and every day I was there was another day my cover might get blown,” she explained. “I wish I had done more to cultivate more information sources—then I wouldn’t have had to leave and try to figure out life on the other side. It seems daunting—I’m not going to lie. I used to fantasize about what I’d do when the mission was over. Find some guy and lock myself in a hotel with him for a week and fuck him until I couldn’t think or feel anymore—while drinking amazing amounts of liquor. I had images of me partying in some amazing club—the likes of which this chick from Saskatchewan has never seen—dancing on the top of the bar with everyone thinking what a cool mother-fucking spy I was, and how I saved the earth from certain destruction. That’s not what happened—I didn’t save the world, and I’m not a cool mother-fucking spy. I’m just a broken middle-aged woman who doesn’t know what the fuck to do with her life now that her pretend life is over.” The woman stubbed the cigarette out on the wall and chanced a glance at Serena. “And I guess I just really over-shared with you, and I apologize. Funny how I can’t fucking say any of that shit in therapy group, but I’m perfectly happy to spill my guts with you over a cigarette.”

“Hey, whatever works. I’m Se—Suzanne.”

“I’m Jane. It’s my cover name, but it’s the only name I’m comfortable with—if that changes and I am ready to go back to my real name, I’ll let you know.”

“That’s a deal. And you don’t need to worry about me spilling your secrets—I’m a spy, you know,” Serena said conspiratorially as they both burst out laughing.

“I’m going to go get a head start on my homework. I get to call home tonight, and I want to be done before that,” Suzanne said.

“Where’s home?” Jane asked.

Serena thought for a moment before answering. “This is going to sound corny as shit, but I guess home is where my heart is, and my heart is living in Halifax with her daughter.”

“That’s really sweet. You’re lucky, you know? You’ve got a real reason to work on yourself and try to get better,” Jane said.

“You do too—you’ve got to find that man and that bottle of tequila and the hotel room. That sounds like a goal to work towards,” Serena said, earning a smile from Jane. “I’ll see you around later.”

“Sure—and thanks again for the cigarette.”

“My pleasure,” Serena said, making her way back to the hospital. _There—that wasn’t so hard. You had a pleasant conversation with one of the inmates, and no one tried to shank you, poison you, choke you, or punch you in the throat. Maybe the world is not such a terrible place after all._


	3. Update on Gilead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Serena is staying at the inpatient- deprogramming facility, June's on her own and looking over her shoulder.

“I’m telling you, George—someone is watching the house. I can feel eyes on us all the time,” June said, as she sat with him drinking coffee on a park bench while they watched Hannah playing on the swings.

“Well, yes, Elizabeth—there are always eyes on you. Your house is under 24-hour surveillance,” Georges explained. “The Agency has cameras pointed at every possibly entry point of the house, and we are across the street doing physical surveillance. Either you are very perceptive, or the agents are doing a shitty job—you should not be able to tell that you’re being watched.”

June was quiet. She knew she was probably over-reacting, but she just couldn’t shake the feeling that the other shoe was going to drop.

“What can I tell you that might put your mind at ease? Would you like to hear the latest Agency briefing on what’s going on in Gilead?” Georges asked.

“Well yes—I would. Can you do that?” June asked.

“Yes, I can do that--you have a high enough security clearance to hear it, but you must understand, this is for your ears only. You must not repeat this. Even if you talk with Suzanne, you cannot discuss this with her—not because she cannot know, but because now is the not the time to stress her out with Gilead news,” Georges explained. 

“It’s a deal,” June said.

“Well, Gilead has finally stopped posturing at the Canadians and accusing them of harboring Serena Waterford and June Osborne. The Canadian government and border patrol are being completely truthful when they are telling Gilead officials that no one matching your descriptions has crossed any of the borders throughout the entire country. In addition, Refugee Services has not granted any of you asylum—no one has ever seen you. We planted some phony intel to point Gilead towards Mexico as the country harboring you. They are desperate to keep trade open with Mexico, otherwise their food shortages will only get worse, so they can’t really afford to rattle their sabers at them. It’s fortunate that Mexico started causing trouble just when you and Suzanne were getting ready to escape,” Georges said, smiling enigmatically.

“Wait—you’re kidding—the Agency had something to do with sending Fred and the other Commanders to Mexico the day we left Gilead? How the hell did you all manage that?” June asked. “Never mind--I know you can’t tell me anyway. But let me just say that I am very impressed with the Agency right now.”

“Well that’s good, because I know that the Agency needs to earn your trust, so every little bit helps,” Georges said sincerely.

“Not to be greedy, but what about Fred Waterford?” Any sign of him?”

“The tracker we have on him has gone dead. We cannot find him, and we have had no sign of him for 10 days. He’s not someone we want to make assumptions about. We will need to find him if he is still alive, or failing that, we’ll need positive proof of his death. We are following up a lead we have with one of the Gilead ‘eyes’. He might be able to find out for us if he is dead for certain, or where he is hiding if the price is right,” Georges said.

“I don’t suppose his name is Nick Blaine, is it?” June asked.

“I’m sorry Elizabeth—I do not know his name,” George said, looking directly into her eyes. “I assume he is someone you know?”

“Yes. He’s Nichole’s biological father. It’s a long story, and it’s one of the shittier things that Mrs. Waterford did. She wanted to make sure I got pregnant so I wouldn’t be reassigned to another household. They only gave us Handmaids 18 months or so to get pregnant in any one household—then they moved us elsewhere. Most of the Commanders were sterile, so it wasn’t unusual for the Wives to find “sperm donors” unofficially, to get their Handmaids pregnant.” _She and I are going to need to talk about that in therapy at some point. There are so many topics to cover—it’s hard to know where to start. But he fathered Nichole, and I’m not angry about that. At least it wasn’t Waterford,_ June thought.

“Do you have any idea where Waterford might be hiding, June?” Georges asked.

“Well, they might have killed him and not publicized it by hanging his body up on the wall. Or they might be torturing him for information on where we are and how he helped us escape. Unless he’s been able to prove, somehow, that he had nothing to do with our escape—which I highly doubt, because Gilead kills first and doesn’t even bother to ask questions.”

“Well, I’ll keep you updated with anything that I learn. We have doubled the number of agents hunting for him, so it’s only a matter of time,” Georges said. “And not to change the subject, but how do you like your new therapist—is she working out better than the last one?”

“She’s less creepy, which is nice. And she genuinely seems to care about me and my well-being—she never asks me anything specific about Gilead. She pretty much focuses on whatever it is that I want to talk about for the session. I feel pretty good about it so far, but I reserve the right to change my mind,” June said. “I've made some progress on finding a nanny for Nichole. Do you want to sit in on the interviews tomorrow morning? I think we have 6 candidates to interview.”

“Yes, if that’s what you would like. Is it your intention to have this person live-in?” Georges asked.

“No—that’s not necessary. We don’t want them overhearing stuff they shouldn’t overhear—even if they are all Agency approved,” June said. “I want to make sure we have the nanny lined up so that whenever Nichole arrives, we’ll have the help we need. I don’t know how much longer Serena will be in the hospital as an inpatient, but even if she switches to outpatient at the end of next week, she’ll be gone most of the day, so I’ll need the help. And, I don’t want her to feel obligated to change her therapy plan because she feels guilty that she’s not doing enough to help with the kids.”

“Of course—we want you both to have all the support you need. And may I say, it wasn’t easy to find nurturing people who also know how to kick ass as needed—but we managed to find some options for you. What time does the first interview start?” Georges asked.

“10 am. Will you be there?” June asked.

“I wouldn’t miss it,” Georges said. “Come on—we should go push Hannah on the swing. Her little friends have left with their mothers, so she’s on her own.”

“Good idea—let’s go.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Georges escorted June and Hannah home after the park, and, as he always did, he went through every room in the house, top to bottom, checking in closets, under beds, in the attic—and then did a complete outdoor perimeter sweep. He also checked in with the guards that were posted out of sight but close by, to make sure they were set for the evening shift, and that they understood their orders. Then he came back into the house to give June a full report. He had started doing this the day June and her daughter moved back to the house. June was a nervous wreck about being alone with Hannah, and he was doing anything he could to try to make her feel safe and to reassure her. He showed her the bank of cameras that were trained inside and outside the house, making sure that no angle was left uncovered. “Someone would have to be very tiny and very skinny to get past us, June” Georges said, trying to lighten the mood. But June was having none of it.

After the 3rd night spent alone in the house with just Hannah, June had about all she could stand of being terrified. She had barely slept, and she was vibrating with anxiety. It took every ounce of her strength to try to remain calm around Hannah. Fortunately, most of Hannah’s day was spent with her tutor, or with Georges. He had become June’s rock. Just sitting next to him, she felt safe and secure. When he came by in the morning for the nanny interviews, armed with pastries and coffee from her favorite bakery, she asked him to sit down with her.

“Georges, I need to ask you a huge favor,” June said.

“Anything Elizabeth—just name it,” he replied.

“The nights are terrifying here alone with just me and Hannah. I don’t sleep, I’m crazy anxious all the time, and sick to my stomach. I cannot stop my mind from racing. The therapist gave me some medication for the anxiety, but it’s really addictive and makes me feel loopy. I can’t rely on that to help me because it’s not fixing the problem. I think when Serena—I mean, Suzanne—comes home, I’ll be better. She’s makes me feel safe and she’s –well, she’s a trained spy—she must be good at kung fu and handling guns and all that stuff, right?”

“Right—she certainly is,” Georges confirmed. “But the soonest she’ll be back is 10 days from now, and you can’t last that long on adrenalin and no sleep. How can I help you?”

“Do you think that you could move into the guest room until Serena comes home? I know it’s a lot to ask. I mean, I don’t even know if you have a personal life outside of taking care of us—you seem to be on the job 24/7. But I’m calm when you’re around me. I feel safe. And if that’s too much to ask, maybe just for a night or two so I could get some sleep and be calm for a little while. What do you think?” June asked, holding her breath.

“Of course, Elizabeth—I’d be happy to. I’m glad you suggested it because I was wracking my brain to try to figure out what more we can do to make you feel safe, other than the cameras, and the guards, and the patrolling, and the checking in all the time. This will hopefully make you feel calmer. Shall I move in tonight?” Georges asked.

June burst into tears, and allowed Georges to gather her up in his arms to hold her. “There now, it will be ok. I’ll protect you both. I know kung fu and I have all sorts of weapons. I’ll even show you how to shoot a gun sometime,” he said, as he released June and she wiped her tears.

“Thank you—thank you so much. Now I need to fix my make up otherwise I will scare off all the nannies we have to interview,” June said, leaving the kitchen and heading upstairs to her bathroom.

Georges to the opportunity to call Lizette and fill her in on the plan. They both agreed that he needed to keep a close eye on June—lack of sleep and tremendous anxiety was a recipe for disaster in someone suffering acute PTSD. They had to do whatever they could to keep Elizabeth well—at least until Suzanne could return home. He disconnected the call after promising to keep her updated, and June joined him a few minutes later, and they waited for their first interview.


	4. Group Therapy

Serena arrived a few minutes before group therapy was scheduled to start. She got herself a cup of tea so that she’d have something to hang onto and distract herself with. She pretty much disliked all of the therapy sessions, but she truly detested group therapy. She thought--and some of her fellow inmates agreed--that it was for pussies. Her group included trained, accomplished field agents, all of whom had returned recently from very dangerous missions. And all of them were tough as nails. But they were strongly encouraged to take part in this part of the program--especially if they didn’t want to be train wrecks for the rest of their lives. Most of them, like Serena, shared a healthy skepticism, but figured it was worth a shot.

The group leader, John Lucas, was a former field agent, back from his assignment 7 years ago. After returning from his mission, he got a Master’s degree in psychology with a specialty in PTSD. The Agency had sent him to school as part of the retraining program, and in his case, it worked splendidly. He was now able to put his education and experience to work helping agents integrate themselves into society and heal from the trauma they’ve experienced. He was in his early 40’s, and had been undercover with a white supremacist group for 8 years. He’d lived among monsters so as far as Serena was concerned, his credentials were impressive. This was only Serena’s third session with the group, so she tried to open her mind a little and see if perhaps this time she might find something helpful.

“Hi everyone. We’re going to get started now. Instead of checking in with everyone to see how you’re feeling today—which by the way, I know you’re all dying to tell me—we’re going to have a topic discussion. You will each choose a topic from the hat that’s in the middle of the room. You’ll read your topic out loud and relate it to something you experienced in the field. You’ll each have about 5 minutes to share. The first person who volunteers will pick a topic, and if they don’t like it, they can try 2 more times until they find something they want to talk about. But that’s just for the first person—everyone else will have to talk about whatever it is they choose the first time—no changes. Who wants to go first?” John asked.

“I will,” Serena said quickly.

“Excellent—have at it,” John said.

Serena got out of her chair, picked a slip of paper out of the hat, and read it. _Fear. Fuck that—I’m not talking about fear the first time I open my mouth in here,_ she thought as she put it aside and chose another topic. _Hyper-vigilance. That’s better_ , she thought, wondering if she should press her luck and pick a third, or stick with this one. Returning her first topic to the hat, she went back to her seat.

“You can start whenever you’re ready,” John said.

“The topic I chose is hyper-vigilance,” she said, and she saw a few heads nod—it was a good topic for anyone in this group to share on. “Nothing the Agency trained me for prepared me for the constant vigilance that I was going to have to maintain, every hour of every day of every year. They trained me to maintain my cover, always be on alert, never let my guard down, and not to trust anyone but other Agency people. But nothing prepared me for being the Ever-ready bunny of hypervigilance for 16 years. I can recall letting my guard down just a handful of times, and that’s actually when I knew I had to end my assignment. It was getting to be too hard to maintain my cover. It didn’t help that my cover was a sadistic bitch with a mean streak a mile wide—that’s something else they didn’t mention. How hard it was going to be to live with some of the shit I had to do to survive. I had to be someone I loathed. Everything she believed in was the complete opposite of what I – the person I was before the mission—believed in. And I couldn’t stop being her for a second! I mean, I got used to it. Sometimes, it was easier for me to forget who I was before I was her—and I know that sounds so fucked up. But it was so hard to deal with the feelings that came up every time she would do something super shitty—it was easier for me if I just was her all the time, and compartmentalized the real me—whoever the fuck she is,” Serena said, shaking her head.

“And now, I’m out—I’m not on a mission. I’m here in this hospital. But I’m still on high alert. And I don’t know any of you, and I don’t even know if I want to know any of you. It’s not like I’ve been making friends right and left over the past 16 years. I was lucky to have a couple of operatives in the field with me, but I saw them so rarely. And we could never take our guard down. We always talked in code with each other, and any screw ups could get any one or all of us killed. I do trust my old friends from before the mission and I’m lucky that so many of them are here to support me and help me find my way back. I’ll be honest—I didn’t want to do this inpatient program at all—talking about my feelings is not something I love to do, and I’m ridiculously out of practice. I had zero outlet for feelings the whole time I was on the mission, and now it’s hard—it’s hard to talk about things I’ve had to stuff for a long time. I hope that I can learn to though. Otherwise, I’m not going to be able to find any of the things I promised myself I would when I finished the mission. I guess that’s all I have to say.”

“Suzanne, what are those things that you promised yourself you would find when your mission was done?” John asked.

“I was 23 when I went undercover. I’m almost 40 now. And I’ve spent half my life putting my mission first—you know, saving the world. But I’d like to go somewhere warm and tropical on a vacation. I’d like the opportunity to get drunk in a bar and say inappropriate things and not be killed for it. I’d like to learn what it’s like to be in love. I’d like to have a family. I’d like to, you know, take care of the people I love. And if I walk around incapable of sharing feelings, the love that I hope I’ve found won’t last—it won’t have any way to grow roots. And I think that’s enough out of me, so I’m shutting up now,” Serena said, finishing the last of her tea. _Fuck I’m glad that’s over. Now all I have to do is sit here and listen to everyone else, and another group therapy session is checked off the list._

“Thanks Suzanne—that was great. Josh, you’re next—go pick a topic,” John said. Josh was the poor bastard who chose fear, and boy, did he have a lot to say about it. Then Jane was next, and she picked loneliness. As each person shared, Serena was grateful she’d gone first, and grateful she picked the topic that she picked. She was so engrossed in everyone’s stories, that when their two-hour session was up, she was shocked at how quickly it passed. John gave them an assignment—to pick their least favorite topic that came up from the group and write in their journal about it that night. It wasn’t going to be shared with the group, so they could feel free to say whatever they wanted to. It’s just a way to confront some of the bigger issues safely. _Guess I’m writing about fear_ , she thought.

Serena got up from her chair, tossed her cup into the trash, and exited the room, walking down the hallway and heading towards her room. It was about an hour until dinner, and she wanted to get a head start on the journal assignment. _Not that I’m looking forward to it, but it’s a means to an end. I write in the journal, I say how I feel, I tell someone about it, and maybe we move the fuck on to the next topic._

“Suzanne! Do you have a minute?” John asked, as he hurried down the hall to catch up to her.

“Sure, John. What’s up?” Serena asked.

“It’s about Jane. Have you struck up any sort of friendship with her since you’ve been here?” he asked.

“I gave her a cigarette once and we sat and chatted for the 4 minutes it took her to smoke it,” Serena replied. “That’s it. Why do you ask?”

“Look, we’re all agents and former agents here. You know how close we guard our feelings and our secrets. It’s to be expected. But I am particularly concerned about Jane, and I wanted to know if she’s said anything to you that might give me some sort of clue as to where her head is at.”

“So she’s not sharing her feelings with you, and you want me to violate whatever sort of privacy exists between us inmates here, and tell you what she said?” Serena asked, trying to clarify.

“When you put it like that, it doesn’t sound so great, but yes, that’s what I’m asking,” John said. “It’s no different than providing intelligence during a mission.”

There was an empty room just off the hallway where they were talking, so Serena motioned for John to join her and closed the door behind them.

“Just who in the fuck do you think you are?” Serena said in a low, menacing voice. “Pretending to be our therapist, when you just want us to keep spying for you and informing on each other. Are you fucking kidding me? In case you didn’t get the memo, my mission is over. I’m not an active agent any longer. I’m not obligated to provide any intelligence to you or anyone else in here. If you’re so worried about Jane, put her in a padded cell, or whatever you do with agents that are unravelling, but leave me the hell out of it. And I’m going to think very hard about whether this is the right program for my recovery. If you’re asking me about Jane, you’re asking some other patient about me, and that’s just shitty.”

John looked genuinely taken aback. “I’m not asking anyone about you, Suzanne. I asked you about Jane because I thought you might want to help. No one has ever had any problem providing me with this sort of information before, so I’m a little taken aback that you have a problem with it,” John said. “Agents deliver intelligence—it’s what we do.”

“So you’re telling me that this program offers literally no expectation of privacy?” Serena asked incredulously.

“In a nutshell, that’s correct. It’s run by the Agency for Agents, and all of you are technically still on the payroll while you are here.”

“But I’m not legally obligated to share anything with you about Jane or anyone else, am I?”

“No, you are not. Most agents, however, do not refuse me when I ask for information on another patients,” John said.

“Well, then maybe I’m ahead of the game here, because I have something called boundaries. You should look that up sometime—you might find them useful, if not in your current line of work, then perhaps in your personal life,” Serena said. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to leave now. Good luck finding someone to report to you on Jane.”

“Wait—Suzanne—I’m sorry, but I’m very worried about her, and I’m genuinely trying to help her,” John said.

“Then go talk with her, and leave me out of it. And if you’re that worried, you should make sure she doesn’t harm herself or anyone else,” Serena said as she took her leave. _That guy is unbelievable. I’m going to tell Gretchen about this, and if she doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did, I’m out of here. This is just some scheme of the Agency’s to see how tightly our heads are screwed onto our shoulders and if we’re in danger of spilling secrets as we transition to civilian life. This is fucked up, and again—not in the orientation packet I got when I signed up for this._

Serena’s anger was in danger of overwhelming her quickly, so she quickly went back to her room and closed the door. _I just need some peace and quiet here—just for a few minutes_ , she thought as she stretched out on her bed. She tried focusing on deep breathing techniques to calm down, and it worked moderately well, but two shots of vodka would have worked better. She wanted a cigarette but didn’t feel like going outside to smoke, so she put that out of her mind. She wanted to talk to June. Not about her being angry or anything, but just to hear her voice and make sure she’s ok. She leaned over and picked up the telephone, and when the operator got on the line, she gave her June’s cell phone number. The phone rang three times until June picked up.

“Hello?” June said, her voice sounding very tentative.

“June, it’s me—how are you?” Serena asked.

“I’m…I’m ok,” June said unconvincingly. “How are you?”

“June, this is me, ok? You don’t need to pretend. I can tell you are not ok. Can you tell me what’s upsetting you?” Serena asked gently.

“Um, but I’m not supposed to stress you out and bother you. You have to focus on getting better.”

“Learning to care about another human being more than myself certainly qualifies as part of my recovery from playing the role of Serena Waterford. Come on June—spill. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

“You’re going to think I sound crazy—hell, I think I’m crazy,” June said.

“You’re saying that to the woman who is currently inpatient in a psych program,” Serena said.

“Point taken. Ok, what’s wrong is I haven’t slept in the past 3 nights, and when I say I haven’t slept, I mean I haven’t slept at all. I’m completely terrified that the Gilead stormtroopers are going to find us and drag us back, and somehow it will all be my fault for blowing our cover. Every creak, every bump, every time the hot water heater clicks on, I jump,” June said.

“Oh, June. I’m so sorry. That’s awful to be that anxious all the time. Have you been talking to Georges about security? Is he able to put your mind at rest at all?” Serena asked, making a mental note to review the security plan in detail with Georges as soon as she got off the phone with June.

“He’s been awesome—really. Every time he walks into the house, he checks it from top to bottom, outside and inside, and we review the security camera footage so I can see that nothing has happened and no one is lurking. But it’s not enough. I’m still terrified. This morning, I broke down and I asked him if he could move into the spare room until you get out of the hospital and come home. I’m sure that when you’re back, I’ll feel better. I just need to get a couple nights of good sleep and I’m sure I’ll be less paranoid. He already got his stuff and is currently having a tea party with Hannah in her room.”

“Remind me to give him a big hug and a kiss the next time I see him,” Serena said, relieved. “So you trust him that much—because I know trust is a huge thing for you.”

“I do. He’s been here for me 1000% since the day I found you lying on the floor half dead. He’s a great guy. I couldn’t do any of this if he wasn’t here for me.”

“Well, good. I’m really glad. June, would it help if I came home early? And don’t say no because you’re afraid I need the therapy so I don’t turn back into dragon-lady Waterford. I have my own reasons for doubting the effectiveness of this program, but I want to give it another day. I need to gather a bit more information before I make my decision. And we have a session together tomorrow, and I’d like to hear what your thoughts are afterwards.”

“Gee, Serena, I mean, I would love to have you back, but I don’t think it’s going to make me any less paranoid—although I do think I’d sleep better. I mean, you’re a trained spy and everything, right? You can kick all the bad guys in the nuts and save the day?”

“Yeah, something like that. I can protect you June—always,” Serena said.

“I’m really glad you called me Serena. Between this conversation and my new roommate, I feel a little better now.”

“That’s great June. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. We’ll have a couple of hours after the session to hang out together if you want to,” Serena said.

“Is hang out code for having a few black-out orgasms in your little hovel of a room?” June said cheekily.

“It’s not, but if that’s how you want to spend our time together, I’m not going to say no. But let’s play it by ear. You might not feel like cuddling up to me after we have our little couples counseling session.”

“Touche. We’ll play it by ear,” June agreed.

“June, I have to go now, but I’m going to call you later before I got to bed—is that alright?”

“Of course. I always like it when you call me,” June said as they ended the call.

_Well, I’m still worried about her, but at least the call made both of us feel a little better. We’ll see how the joint therapy session goes tomorrow, but I’m leaning towards getting the fuck out of here. I don’t know what kind of games are being played in here, but I’m out of patience for any more spy shit—especially spy shit that I’m not privy to._


	5. Things that Go Bump in the Night

To celebrate Georges' first night as June and Hannah’s roomie and full-time body guard, they ordered takeout from an amazing Thai restaurant that Jean-Guy had recommended. The fact that they delivered was a bonus.

June had just finished setting the table when the doorbell rang. Georges answered it, and brought the bag into the kitchen.

“You can just give it to me and I’ll lay it out on the table,” June said.

“Just a moment Elizabeth,” Georges said as he carefully took each container out of the bag and inspected it. As he took the last container out and satisfied himself that they were safe, he looked into the bottom of the paper bag and found nothing suspicious.

“Everything all set?” June asked nervously.

“Yes, everything is fine,” Georges said. “It’s safe to eat.”

“You must think I’m a lunatic for being so frightened of everything. Thanks for indulging me and checking it out carefully,” June said gratefully.

“I’m just doing my job, and you’re not a lunatic. You’ve been through a lot, and you are not without enemies. It’s good that you’re vigilant.”

“Well, maybe I can put the vigilance to rest for a minute or two while we eat. And speaking of eating, look what the cat dragged in,” June said, smiling as Hannah walked into the kitchen with her tutor, Olivia.

“It smells really good in here mommy—what are we having?” Hannah asked.

“Thai food—I think you’ll like it,” June said. “Olivia, we have plenty if you’d like to stay for dinner,” June offered.”

“Oh thanks Elizabeth—that’s really sweet, but perhaps another time. I have a date tonight that I need to go get ready for.”

“A date? Is it a special occasion?” June asked.

“My boyfriend's planning something special. I’m hoping that it involves him getting on one knee and holding a nice Tiffany ring box open and asking me a question. Boy, am I going to be disappointed if it’s just wings and beer tonight,” she said laughing out loud.

“Well, if he’s a smart man, he’ll put a ring on your finger,” Georges said, smiling.

“Oh, you’re too sweet,” Olivia said blushing. “By the way, Hannah had a great day today. Her lessons are coming along really well. And with that, I’ll leave you to your dinner. See you all tomorrow."

Georges walked Olivia out and made sure the door was securely locked before sitting down at the table for dinner. Hannah did indeed enjoy dinner, as did June and Georges. When they were finished, Georges went to clear the table and June waved him off. “Absolutely not—you’re doing enough for us,” June said. “How about the two of you go pick out a movie—something G-rated preferably. If you play your cards right, I might even make some popcorn later.”

“Well, I simply cannot refuse an offer like that,” Georges said. “I just have to check in with the team for a few minutes, and then I will be right back. If I do a security check now, you’ll be able to relax and enjoy the movie.”

“True enough,” June replied. “And once again, I am so sorry I’m being such a twitch about everything. This constant looking over my shoulder is exhausting.”

“I completely understand. When I returned from my undercover assignment, I slept with the light on for a year. It takes time to stop being constantly vigilant. You’ll get there,” Georges said, as he left to do the outside perimeter check and give the guards their instructions for the night.

As Georges did his security rounds for the evening, he thought about what he hadn’t told Elizabeth—and if he was going to break the news to her. He learned that morning that a Gilead agent had been apprehended in in Montreal, and they were holding him for questioning while the espionage charges were being drawn up. There was good reason to suspect that the agent had been sent to locate June and Serena. Montreal was a long way from Halifax, but it still was a huge concern to the Agency security team that Gilead had agents out looking for them. _I know I promised to be transparent with Elizabeth, but I think I will wait until she’s had at least one good night’s sleep before I terrify her with this information,_ Georges thought. He met up with the four guards stationed around the perimeter of the house, and called the fifth, who was staked out in the house across the street from the Prince home. He warned them all about the latest threat, and returned back to the house.

As he went up the walkway, he bent down to pick up a cigarette butt that caught his attention. He recognized the brand on the filter as an American cigarette, not sold in Canada. He pocketed it, and called over to the guard on stake out and asked him to run the security feed for the last 24 hours and look for whoever might have left the souvenir behind. _Elizabeth’s not imagining things. Something is going on, and I’m going to find out what it is before Suzanne sets foot in this house again._

Georges entered the house and found the girls haggling over bedtime, and Hannah was winning.

“It’s hard to say no to her, isn’t it?” Georges whispered to June.

“That’s putting it mildly. It’s like I’m trying to make up for lost time. But honestly, she’s a good kid. It’s just an extra half hour,” June said, announcing the decision to Hannah. “Georges, would you like a beer or some wine while we watch the movie?” 

“Yes, a beer would be great—will you join me?”

“Absolutely,” June agreed as she got 2 two bottles of O'Keefe out of the refrigerator. “I hope you like this kind,” she said as she passed him the beer.

“It’s my favorite—I put it on the shopping list when we were stocking your house before your arrival,” Georges said chuckling. “I knew I would be spending a lot of time here.”

“What, are you psychic too?” June asked.

“No, just good at my job. I know what it’s like to return to real life after a long-term undercover assignment. Some hands-on help is generally needed by everyone for the first few months—sometimes even longer,” Georges explained as he took a seat in a comfortable chair. June and Hannah were curled up on the couch together as they started to watch the movie.

Two more beers and a bowl of popcorn later, the movie finished, and Hannah was sound asleep lying against June’s chest. Georges smiled at the sweet picture, and said, “it’s a shame to disturb either of you—she looks so comfortable.”

“Maybe, but this girl is looking forward to a full night’s sleep in her own bed tonight, so the little princess is going to have to wake up,” June said as she gently tried to wake Hannah up.

“Allow me,” Georges said as he scooped Hannah up in his arms and headed upstairs, with June right behind him. He waited for June to turn down the comforter so he could deposit Hannah right into bed. June tucked the covers underneath her chin, kissed her forehead and they both left the room.

“Thanks so much—for everything Georges. Do you need anything before I turn in?” June asked.

“No thank you, Elizabeth. I hope you get a good night’s rest.”

“Oh, I will,” June said, as she headed into her bedroom and closed the door. She quickly changed into a loose nightshirt, brushed her teeth, and climbed into bed. She picked up her cellphone and saw that Serena had called just a few minutes ago, so she called back, and asked the operator to connect her.

“Well hey there, sexy,” Serena said, her smile evident in her voice. “I was hoping I’d get a chance to talk to you before I went to sleep.”

“Do you always answer the phone like that?” June asked “I could have been anyone—a telemarketer, Gilead assassin, Jean-Guy…”

“Only when the operator tells me that it’s you who’s calling me. It confuses Jean-Guy when I call him sexy,” Serena said.

“I’m sure that it does. Did you have a good day getting your head shrunk?” June asked.

“You know it. How was your day?”

“It was pretty good. I think I told you that we had nanny interviews today. We’ve narrowed it down to two women who seem like they might be good fits for the job. If it’s ok with you, I’d like you to have a chance to talk to them both before we make a final decision—if you want to, that is,” June said.

“I’d love to—thanks for including me in the process,” Serena said. “I think you have a copy of my daily schedule, so you can go ahead and book whatever you want to when I’m not in a session—I’ll make sure I’m available.”

“Thanks, Serena. It will make me feel better if you’ve had a chance to give them the sniff test. And if you want to put your Mrs. Waterford hat on to interview them, I’d be ok with that.”

“Are you kidding, June? You want me to scare the shit out of them?” Serena asked incredulously.

“No, no. I mean, well, she was so exacting about the household staff. And she really did hire excellent people, with the exception of that highly uncooperative and contrary Handmaid,” June said, smirking.

“Yes, well, she was definitely a handful, but she had some redeeming qualities,” Serena said smiling. “But I think I know what you’re saying—be highly selective, like Mrs. Waterford would be, but don’t be a fucking cunt.”

“Precisely—you’ve got the picture now. I’ll check their availability before I go to the hospital for our therapy session tomorrow and then we can coordinate with your schedule,” June said, snuggling under the covers further.

“How was your evening?” Serena asked.

“We celebrated our new roommate joining us with Thai food and watching Toy Story. It was very peaceful, and now everyone’s tucked up into bed and I, for one, am looking forward to a magnificent night of peaceful sleep. I had a few beers with Georges so I’m nice and relaxed, and as soon as we get off the phone, I’ll be headed off to dreamland.”

“A good night’s rest will make you feel much better,” Serena agreed. “And with that, I’ll say sweet dreams, good night, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“What, no dirty talk before I go to sleep?” June said, mildly annoyed.

“Nope. Let’s save it for tomorrow. And besides, I can hear how tired you are by your voice. You’d fall asleep before I even got to the part about putting my tongue in your pussy,” Serena purred.

“You suck, Serena. You know what just happened to me, right?” June said, complaining. “I just completely soaked my underwear, and as usual, it’s your fucking fault.”

“Nightstand, bottom drawer. I left you a present.”

“What?” June said, rolling over and reaching down to open the drawer, where she found a beautifully gift-wrapped oblong box. “You didn’t—did you?”

“Just trying to help a girl out while her human sex toy is away for a couple of weeks. Enjoy, and don’t stay up all night with it—but if you do, there’s extra batteries in the package.”

“Serena! How the hell did you get this in here—did you make Georges buy this for you?” June asked, fairly horrified.

Serena was laughing so hard she could barely answer June. When she composed herself, she replied, “No, I did not make him pick it up for me. I ordered it online—gift wrapped. All Georges did was pick the package up from the post office and put it in the drawer. It’s our little secret, and I made sure I got one that was extra quiet. And it’s completely waterproof if you want to take it into the shower.”

“Well, now you’re just spoiling me, Serena,” June said, smiling. “That was very sweet of you. You’ve got the makings of a very thoughtful girlfriend.”

“I’m working on it, June. And on that note, I hope you have sweet dreams tonight, and I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

“Me too—try not to piss me off too much in therapy tomorrow, because I would really like you to fuck me afterwards,” June said.

“I’ll do my best, but if I should fail, we could always try having angry sex,” Serena suggested, half-kidding.

“Serena, I think if you and I are going to try to make a go of it together, I think we’re going to have to add angry sex to the menu upon occasion. I’ve never tried it before, but desperate times call for desperate measures,” June said.

“June, and I mean this sincerely—I’ll do whatever it takes to make up to you for all the shitty stuff I’ve done. I promise.”

“I know, you will. It’s fine. Now go to sleep and I’ll see you tomorrow. Good night.”

“Good night, June. Sleep tight.”


	6. Two Sides of the Same Coin

“Are you ready for your session with Elizabeth this afternoon?” Gretchen asked Serena.

“As ready as I’ll every be, but I’m nervous. I’m afraid we might awaken our Gilead selves, and a show down between Mrs. Waterford and ‘Offred’ is always jam-packed with nastiness,” Serena said.

“But isn’t talking about what happened in Gilead the whole point of the two of you sitting down together to work out your issues? If it’s not, what in the hell are you doing it for?” Gretchen asked.

“I suppose you’re right. It’s just—it’s all just a lot,” Serena confessed. “I’m only 4 days into this inpatient program, and I’m just scratching the surface of my own identity issues in learning to navigate between Suzanne and Mrs. Waterford. And I know how important it is for me and June to make a start talking through all the Gilead ‘stuff’, but it all feels very overwhelming.”

“It is quite a bit to unpack. And perhaps if you weren’t so adamant about condensing your inpatient treatment to just two weeks, you might wait to start your sessions with Elizabeth. But, I believe you are correct in your assessment that you need to make a good faith effort to show her you are committed to working through what Mrs. Waterford did to her in Gilead—and seeing if there is some way to forgive yourself and for her to forgive you,” Gretchen said.

“It sounds like a job for an exorcist—not a therapist,” Serena said.

“That remains to be seen. I think I’m up to the task," Gretchen said. "Speaking of therapists, have you met the therapist who will be guiding your sessions with June?”

“No. I thought it better if we both met her for the first time together.”

“Good instincts,” Gretchen said. “For someone who’s terrified that she has a monster living inside her, you seem to be very conscious of your partner’s feelings and not stomping all over her to get your way. Why do you suppose that is?”

“When I have time to think something through, it seems to be more natural to do the kinder, nicer thing. But when I get stressed or something happens suddenly, it’s like a switch gets flipped, and Mrs. Waterford’s fangs and claws come out,” Serena said.

“What do you do when that happens? Are you aware of what’s happening, and can you back it up, or does it just consume you and you have not real control over it?” Gretchen asked.

“When I was in Gilead, I had zero control over it—it just happened, and it was lightening fast, and I was usually pretty far down the tracks before I realized that the train had run away,” Serena explained. “But honestly, it stopped bothering me years and years ago. Second nature became first nature to me. It was only when certain atrocious things happened that I would even realize what she’d done—what I’d done.”

“Can you give me an example?”

Serena looked down at her hands, and fidgeted in her chair. “There was another Handmaid before June,” Serena said quietly. “Her name—her real name—was Alicia. She was a quiet girl from the Midwest and she seemed very timid. She really did not talk much, and when she did, she never spoke of her life prior to Gilead. She looked—well—wholesome is the only word I have for her. She wasn’t thin, but she wasn’t really overweight, either. She looked like she’d been raised on a farm and she had a kindness and naivete about her.”

“How did she fit into the household?” Gretchen asked.

“She tried to take up as little space as possible, and just tried to blend in. She never called attention to herself. But Fred Waterford was obsessed with her. He pretty much lost his mind from the day she entered the household,” Serena explained. “I warned him—time and time again—that he was playing with fire. He was obvious about how he felt for her, and it made her very uncomfortable. On Ceremony nights, she shook the entire time it was happening—from the moment she kneeled on the red pillow to the entire time she was lying on the bed and being raped. It was a very sane reaction, truthfully. I know the Aunts in Gilead tried to train the Handmaids to be silent and still, but it destroyed her having to be subjected to the horror of the Ceremony every month. Even Serena Waterford took pity on her for a little while, until she decided that her weakness was a huge liability, and she wasn’t going to cut it as a Handmaid. Once, she actually came to speak to me about it how uncomfortable Fred made her feel outside of the Ceremony. She was smart enough not to complain about the Ceremony itself, because she knew that would get her punished severely. It took some balls for her to talk to me about Fred. It would have been easy for me to be kind to her and at least pretend to take her complaints seriously. Instead, a switch got flipped and Serena was hideous to her. She started lashing out at her, being insulting, saying that she was delusional. She was the Waterford Handmaid, and pretty much their property, and they’d treat her however they pleased. Not more than two weeks after our conversation, two of the staff members found her hanging from her bedroom light fixture. She was 6 weeks pregnant at the time.”

“How did you feel about that?”

“I felt horrible! I was shocked that I took Mrs. Waterford that far. That I’d made her into someone who had a stop watch on how much compassion she could show towards someone. She asked me for help. I should have at least done that. I should have spoken to Fred. But instead, that flip switched when she came to me and instead of compassion, she was met by Serena Waterford’s vitriol. A little bit of kindness, and she might not have killed herself,” Serena said, looking very sad.

“Do you feel responsible for her suicide?” Gretchen asked.

“Depends who you ask. Me, meaning Suzanne? Terribly responsible. Mrs. Waterford? No, of course not. She’s never takes responsibility for any of her behaviors.”

“If you had to do it over, what would you do differently?” Gretchen asked.

“I would have watched Fred like a hawk around her. I should have protected her. As a Gilead Wife, I did have some power, specifically related to the behavior of my husband and our Handmaid. If I caught Fred taking liberties with the Handmaid, I could have reported him to the Eyes, or I could have threatened to do that, and blackmailed him into behaving. Sure there were lots of indiscretions with Commanders and Handmaids, but unless the wife turned a blind eye, those indiscretions could get a Handmaid dismissed, and a Commander could lose an arm. But instead, I did nothing, and let it play out. And a sweet girl lost her life over it,” Serena said. “And that’s really hard to live with.”

“What happened after they found out she killed herself?” Gretchen asked.

“She was deemed unstable—they interviewed everyone in the house, and some of the other Handmaids and they all reported that she was just too quiet—it was eerie, and she seemed the type to do something drastic and dramatic. So nothing happened to us, except Fred had to wait almost 9 months for another Handmaid to be assigned. They wanted us to work on the atmosphere of the household, so that it would be more ‘comfortable’ for the new Handmaid. But there was no blame assigned to anyone but the Handmaid. And that’s Gilead in a nutshell. The ruling class does whatever the hell they want and all the classes below are blamed for everything that’s wrong with their world,” Serena explained.

“How about giving me an example from more recent times when the Mrs. Waterford switch got flipped—perhaps since you’ve left Gilead?” Gretchen asked.

“I lose patience quickly with people, and the switch gets flipped. I did it to Jean-Guy—I mean, I reigned her in a bit, but it took every ounce of willpower I had not to go 100% Mrs. Waterford on him. He was trying to tell me that June should wait to get Nichole back, until we were more integrated with our lives here, and until I was out of the hospital,” Serena explained.

“How did you go off on him?”

“I basically told him he didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about, and that June is Nichole’s mother no matter what, and the right time to get her baby back to her is as soon as possible! I mean, the idiocy of thinking that a mom—a really good mom, like June—would even think about waiting one moment more than she absolutely had to for her baby to be returned to her. As if!” Serena said, getting angry all over again.

“So in that instance, it sounds like you were able to catch yourself, but that some evidence of her came out for a bit,” Gretchen said.

“Yes—that’s accurate.”

“But what’s different there was that the switch got flipped on behalf of someone else. You were fighting for someone else. That’s very, very different than the situation you described with Alicia,” Gretchen said. “So if you put the two situations side by side, what’s different about your behavior?”

“In Gilead, it was all about what Mrs. Waterford wanted and needed, and because she was a completely self-centered person, it was always something to further her agenda. Here, I believe the agenda has switched. I’m not running Mrs. Waterford’s agenda—I have my own, and it is focused on taking care of June, Hannah and Nichole and keeping them safe and happy. And I’m willing to tap into my inner Mrs. Waterford to do it,” Serena said.

“I think that’s an astute observation. Mrs. Waterford’s ‘agenda’—to have her own baby at any cost and to defend the Gilead way of life—seems to have receded into the background. Now Suzanne’s agenda is at the front of the line, and I think that’s the right place for it to be. Being away from Gilead and Mrs. Waterford 24/7 is doing you a world of good. I don’t think you are as emeshed with her as you think you are. What you’re describing—your motivations for your actions—is a very good sign of your recovery,” Gretchen said.

“Well, I hope you’re right,” Serena said. “And not to change the subject, but I know time is running down and I need to address something with you about the leader of my group therapy program—John Lucas.”

“Sure—what seems to be the issue?” Gretchen asked.

“He tried to get me to tell him my impressions of another patient and her behavior. He claimed to be concerned for her well-being and wanted to make sure she was ok,” Serena explained. “Right in the hallway, where anyone could hear us talk. It made me feel creepy—like he was trying to get me to inform on another person in the program—violating our privacy.”

“He may have thought he had a right to because he was very concerned,” Gretchen surmised. “However, we have protocols to follow. If he was concerned about self-harm, or harm of others, he should have moved her to the more secure floor, where she could be watched 24/7. And I don’t see any reason why he went to you specifically, unless perhaps you were friends with her?”

“Friends? Yeah, no. I’m not so great at trusting people lately, especially not Agency people, so no, I’m not friends with the woman he asked about. I gave her a cigarette and she hung around me for exactly the time it took her to smoke it,” Serena said. “He just pissed me off. I thought, well, if he’s asking me about her, then he’s asking someone about me too. He said I was blowing things out of proportion, and that most agents like to share information about each other.”

“Really? Well that’s not my experience at all,” Gretchen said. “Agents are pretty suspicious for good reason—it keeps them alive.”

“I ripped him a new asshole, and I told him I’d be re-evaluating whether I stay in the program or not. If there is absolutely no expectation of privacy, as he admitted to me, I…”

“Wait—he said what? No expectation of privacy? That’s absolutely untrue, Suzanne. Everything you say to me is completely confidential. No one has access to my notes, and when I discuss your case with the team, I don’t discuss anything specific. I talk about your diagnosis, your progress, milestones achieved—that sort of thing. But I don’t repeat anything you say. And if you talk about wanting to kill yourself or being a danger to someone else, I’m not going to talk about that with the team. I’m going to have you shipped directly to the locked ward where you would be kept for a minimum of 10 days for observation. The therapists that run that program do their own assessment of you while you’re there. They don’t rely on, or receive anything other than general information from me. And there should be nothing different with the therapist running the group therapy program. What’s shared in a session—even a group session—needs to be protected by the therapist.”

“Are you being 100% honest with me Gretchen, and if you are, how is this asshole allowed to run a program with such terribly boundaries?”

“Yes, Suzanne—I am being 100% honest with you. The integrity of the staff running this program is critical to its success. Spies are not the most trusting bunch on a good day, and if they think they’re can’t trust the people in charge of treating them, it’s going to hinder their progress. I’m going to look into this and when I say that, I mean it. I will let you know the results of my investigation, but I’m reporting this to his superiors, so at the very least, he’s going to be suspended immediately pending investigation,” Gretchen said.

“And Jane? What about Jane?” Serena asked.

“He was asking you about Jane? Well, since she’s one of my patients as well, that give me even more reason to look into this. I’ll track her down asap and make sure she’s safe. Thank you, Suzanne. I really appreciate you coming to me with this. Your instincts are excellent—if it smells like a rat, it’s probably a rat.”

“Just good old Agency training at its finest. And a desire to return to the real world and not the world being run by blind lemmings,” Serena said, getting up out of her chair. “And now, I’m going to leave you to it. I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said, taking her leave. _I hope the hell she isn’t just appeasing me, because that will piss me off pretty substantially. And I hope she gets to Jane in time—before something happens._


	7. Couples Counseling for the Wife and the Handmaid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't have an explanation, or an excuse. Just a deep need for these two to figure it out and be ok with each other. And I know that there is no way they should be able to get past everything in Gilead. However, it's fiction, it's another world, and I get to do what I want...I hope you enjoy it.

Serena was pacing in her room. June was supposed to have arrived 20 minutes ago, and there was no sign of her. She called her cell phone, and got no response. She called Georges, and he answered, but said that she’d left over an hour ago, and that she'd wanted to drive herself to the appointment, so he stayed behind with Holly.

“Does she have a guard with her?” Serena asked.

“Bien sur!” Georges exclaimed. “I would never let her set one foot outside this house without protection. He’s following her in the car behind. Let me get him on the line. Hold for just a moment, Suzanne.”

A minute ticked by, then another minute, and Serena was about ready to lose her mind when Georges finally got back on the line.

“She got lost, Suzanne. It’s been a little while since she’s driven a car, and she doesn’t usually drive herself around Halifax, so the roads are unfamiliar. She should be there any moment now,” Georges said.

Serena let out her breath slowly. _Ok. She’s ok. She just got lost. Calm the fuck down. You’re getting as paranoid as June is._

“Well, until I see her in person, I won’t relax, but this makes me feel better. If you don’t hear from me, it means she made it here,” Serena said as she disconnected the call. She decided to make her way to the therapist’s office where they were scheduled to have their appointment. _If she knows she’s late, that’ll be the first place she’ll go_ , Serena reasoned, as she made her way there.

She arrived to find June already seated in the waiting area. As Serena looked at her, she noticed how tired and pale she looked, and that her fingertips were raw from gnawing on them. “Hey, there you are!” Serena said as she sat in the chair next to her. “How are you?”

“Oh, you know. Living the dream,” June said, taking Serena’s hand and squeezing it tight.

“Suzanne and Elizabeth? I’m Bridget Callahan and I’ll be working with you. Please come in and take a seat wherever you’re comfortable.”

Bridget was a 50-something year old woman with dark hair, and a pleasant, but serious demeanor. Her office was tastefully decorated. June sat in the center of the three-sectioned sofa, and Serena next to her. June reached over and took Serena’s hand and smiled at her nervously, steeling her nerves for whatever was going to happen.

“I want you to know that I’ve read your files, and what you’ve been through is astounding. The world really doesn’t understand the depths of what goes on in Gilead, but you two had to actually live through it. My job is to support you both and help you navigate your way through this," Bridget said. "But before we start anything, I just want to check in with both of you to see how you are feeling right now. Elizabeth? How have the past few days been for you?”

“Kind of awful, really. Up until last night, I hadn’t slept for a few days. I’m always looking over my shoulder, waiting for Gilead assassins to come and steal me and my daughter away. When the phone rings, I’m terrified it will be bad news about Serena—I mean, Suzanne. I’ve never been this anxious in my life and that includes when I was kidnapped and separated from my daughter and didn’t know what the fuck was going to happen to me. Last night I asked one of our Agency people to move into the guestroom temporarily so that I might feel safer and hopefully get to have some sleep. It worked really well. I slept so late I was almost late for our session.”

“I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, Elizabeth. Truly. You’ve been through an awful lot, and anxiety is a pretty normal reaction to the acute PTSD that you are suffering. You are seeing an individual therapist, correct?” Bridget asked.

“Yes. She’s fine. I mean, she’s good. It’s good to talk with her. She…she gave me some medication, but I don’t want to take it because it makes me too sleepy and zoned out. I feel like I need to be on alert at all times in case something happens,” June said.

“That’s understandable. I do think that there are a range of medications that might help you manage your acute anxiety—just until it’s under control. You might mention to your therapist that you’d like to try something else, but I will leave that to you—unless you’d like me to mention it to her?”

“No. That’s good advice. I will talk with her next time I see her,” June agreed.

“And Suzanne. How have the past few days been in the program for you?” Bridget asked.

“Fine. I’m learning a lot,” she said with a tight smile.

“Any trouble with anxiety? Nervousness? PTSD symptoms?”

“All of the above, thanks,” Serena responded quickly.

Bridget looked at Serena for a moment before deciding to move on. “All right then, if I might ask, what are your goals for our work here together—and it’s ok if you have different goals. It just gives me a bit of guidance on how to steer the conversations. Elizabeth, how about you go first?”

“Well, the short answer is we’ve decided to try to share a life together. It was a decision we made in Gilead, when I asked Serena to get me and my daughter out—and then we started an affair. And at this moment in time, as fucked up as the whole idea is, I’m comfortable being with her. She has taken very good care of me and Hannah—I mean, Holly—and it remains to be seen how the day-to-day of living together will work. But the idea of trying to go back to my old life, after everything I’ve been through, seems completely and utterly unattainable. Although arguably, spending a couple of years together in Gilead in roles that were adversarial at best is a weird place to start a relationship. I didn’t know she was a spy and working undercover. Until the 2 weeks before we escaped Gilead, I had no idea Serena was anything other than a monstrous cunt. She hid her humanity very well,” June said. “And my apologies, Bridget. There will be swearing in these sessions.”

“That’s quite all right,” Bridget said. “Suzanne, how about you? What would you like to see come out of your therapy sessions?”

“There’s no way to sugar coat what Mrs. Waterford did to June—I mean Elizabeth. “We’re going to slip and call each other Serena and June, so you might as well get used to it,” Serena explained. “Anyway, my undercover identity did a number on June as the Handmaid. I beat her, I held her down while she was raped, I imprisoned her in her room among other things. I did all of those things as my cover identity, but none the less, I did those things to her, and if we’re going to try to share a life together, we need a safe place to bring all of these issues, and talk about them, with a neutral mediator. To say that I feel guilty is the understatement of the century. I...I cannot even believe that I was capable...even though I was undercover. It's just. It's just really hard to live with.”

“Thank you both for sharing that with me,” Bridget said. “Please know that this is your safe place, to bring up whatever issues you want to discuss. Rather than probing you about things that happened, I will let you guide the conversations—that way you have control over the topics. I don’t have any agenda—I don’t need to know every little horrible thing that you did to each other in Gilead. But if you are holding onto anger and resentments about certain things, we need to talk about them so you don’t implode at home. Does that sound reasonable?”

Both women nodded, so she continued. “Elizabeth—is it ok if I call you that, or would you prefer that in here, we all agree to call you June?”

June looked over at Serena who shrugged her shoulders. “Well, if it’s all the same to you, I think if we used June and Serena in here it would be less jarring to us. It’s what we still call each other in private.”

“Fine by me,” Bridget agreed. “June, of all the things that happened in Gilead, what do you want to discuss today? It doesn’t have to be something that Serena did in particular. I think she’ll benefit from hearing how you felt about everything you experienced. It will help her get a fuller picture of what you are dealing with. And Serena, the same goes for you. You can share about whatever you need to share about. June will benefit from hearing your side as well,” Bridget explained.

“Ok, well, I’d like to just kick the hornet’s nest, because it’s how I roll,” June said, gently removing her hand from Serena’s and looking at her directly. “So, Serena, what the fuck with the Ceremony? It’s bad enough that Fred raped me every month like clockwork, but did I really have to lie between your legs while you held me down?” June paused to allow Serena to speak.

 _Rip the Band-aid off, June,_ Serena thought, not surprised in the least that this is what she wanted to talk about first.

“So you do know that in Gilead, the Ceremony was not optional. Failure to hold it every month could have gotten the whole household in a lot of trouble—like hanging on the wall trouble,” Serena explained using that slightly superior Mrs. Waterford affect. “I know the Ceremony was hideous and the euphemism doesn’t help. It was rape—plain and simple. And it was hideous.” Serena said, softening her tone. "Especially...the last time," she whispered.

“Whose brilliant idea was it, anyway? Did you, or should I say, your Agency, have any part in designing the Ceremony? Because the whole thing is pretty fucking traumatic, and it would be helpful if I had a target for my rage,” June said, anger animating her features.

“It was nothing that Serena Waterford dreamt up, wrote about, discussed, suggested or debated, nor did the Agency,” Serena explained. “When the Sons of Jacob presented the whole, horrible concept of the Ceremony to some of the Wives, we were appalled. We said we wouldn’t stand for it—that they’d gone too far. We suggested that Handmaids could be surrogates, and we could use invitro fertilization to impregnate them with viable sperm. But the Commanders laughed at our suggestion. They said we needn’t worry about a thing, because God had spoken to them and shown them the righteous path. We all frankly thought they were nuts, and a few of us continued to protest and things got loud. The next thing we knew, armed Guards came into the conference room and shot 2 of the wives who were the most vocal, killing them instantly. That shut everyone up pretty quickly, and we all fell in line. We literally did not have any choice. They wanted us to participate so that we would be complicit in the rape. And the reason why I didn’t stand up to them was because it would have done no good for the mission if Mrs. Waterford had been one of the wives shot for protesting the Ceremony. So I fell in line and backed up Fred and the Commanders. It’s terrible, but that’s what happened.”

June was silent for a little while, until Bridget asked her if she could try to share what she was feeling. “Ok, so that's pretty horrible--watching two wives get shot right in front of you. But in Gilead, that was a typical Tuesday afternoon. Is this how therapy is going to go? I’m going to bring up a horrible traumatic thing that happened to me in Gilead that was partially perpetrated by Mrs. Waterford. And Serena’s going to explain why it went down the way it did, how she had no choice but to go along with it because she was playing super spy, and so then what—I’m supposed to say, “that’s fine dear—would you like lamb or chicken for dinner tonight?” Because that’s complete bullshit. I know intellectually that this woman sitting right here—Suzanne Prince—didn’t do anything to me, but the woman she was portraying in Gilead sure did, and god damn it’s hard to tell them apart sometimes. I hated her but I admired her and sometimes she was so strong and powerful, and sometimes she was vulnerable and pathetic. She was really complicated, and since I had a lot of time on my hands because reading was against the law, I spent a lot of it trying to figure the bitch out. Serena Waterford was like a terrorist. One minute, she’d be stroking my face gently, and making me feel like she had empathy for me, and the next minute, she’d backhand me. And to be fair, she did it to all the servants, but she really seemed to fucking hate me extra sometimes,” June said, chancing a glance at Serena who was sitting ramrod straight, her face looking stoic.

“Aren’t you going to ask her how she feels about all this?” June asked.

“This is your time, June. Time to share your feelings. And it’s not going to be a tennis match where you lob an emotionally loaded hand grenade over the wall and then Serena tries to grovel and apologize. We’re here so that the two of you can hear each other and understand each other,” Bridget explained. “Because you’re right, June. The back and forth of accusing and apologizing isn’t going to work and it’s not going to help you. I think there’s a lot of value in being heard. And you know there is nothing that can be done to change anything—there’s only a path forward. Our job is to find that path for you, and it’s paved with sharing the trauma, empathizing with each other’s pain and suffering, accepting the things that cannot be changed, and making a decision of whether there is room in your hearts to forgive and move forward together. I know it’s a lot, but we’re in unchartered territory. If a relationship is what both of you want, then I’m going to work with you to try to help you achieve your goal."

“And Serena, I can see this is rough on you. You’re going to have good days and bad days with being able to empathize—you both will. There’s no one right way to do this and get to the other side. We’ll have to try some things and do a lot of talking and find our way. I’m here to hold the flashlight, and keep the fighting fair—or as fair as it can be. And to help break down defenses so that feelings can actually be shared and heard,” Bridget said.

“Sounds like you’ll deserve the Nobel Peace prize if you see us through this to the other side, Bridget,” Serena said. “And, if I might say something to June—to you both--maybe this therapy thing is crazy to try to do. Maybe the easiest thing would be to walk away from each other and never look back. But,” Serena said, taking a ragged breath, “I don’t have a choice, June. I have to try. I’ve never felt for anyone what I feel for you. I gave up everything to get you and Hannah safe, and I’d do it again, even if I knew I’d never see you again. So I’m going to keep trying. There isn’t anyone in this world who knows what we went through, and we beat the mother fuckers together. We got out. We’re safe. We fucked them over. I feel pretty good about that, and I think that together we’re a formidable duo. Imagine what we might accomplish in this world with a pen and the ability to read and speak freely.”

“And,” Serena said, “for what it’s worth. I hated the Ceremony. I tried to get us out of it as often as I could. I threw up all day leading up to it and all night afterwards. I spent many sleepless nights trying to live with myself. I had to go to that Serena Waterford compartment in my brain to get through the day, because Suzanne was breaking inside over it. The guilt was crushing me. It still does. And it’s nothing compared to what you had to endure. And I know it traumatized you, and it’s going to be hard to sit and talk about this stuff in therapy and then go hang out and watch a movie together like nothing ever happened. I don’t have a road map. But I also don’t want to set up housekeeping with you and have a bunch of landmines buried between us that might randomly blow up just when we think things are going well. I’d rather try to be proactive—if we can.”

Bridget took the session back at that point and introduced the concept of homework. “I’m going to need both of you to write your feelings down—whenever, and wherever you need to. I’d like you to write after each of our sessions. You can write about anything you like. Your thoughts and feelings, your anger and rage—whatever. It’s for you and you don’t have to share it with each other. And the night before you come in for a session, I’d also like you to write down what you most want to talk about—that way we’ll have a place to start. But just because you write it down doesn’t mean it’s happening. Your day-to-day life might take precedence,” Bridget explained.

“And I think we’re at a good stopping point for today. I’ll see you both in a few days at our next appointment. And if anything comes up—for either of you—I want you to call me. There may be the occasion when we need to squeeze in an extra session because something has bubbled to the surface and I’d rather not let that fester.”

The two women mumbled their thanks and walked out of the therapist’s office. They walked aimlessly down the hall, neither of them ready to talk to each other, but not sure quite where to go.

“Would you like to get some coffee?” Serena asked.

“Yes. That would be nice,” June said, as they walked toward the cafeteria. It was the middle of the afternoon, so it was nearly empty. June took a seat at a small table by the window, while Serena got their coffees. Staring out the window was about all that she could handle at the moment.

Serena returned a few minutes later with two coffees and two very large cookies, earning her a smile from June.

“Aw, you remembered…how sweet,” June said.

“Do you want to go sit outside? Maybe it will make you feel calm like when you sit in the park with Georges?” Serena offered.

“Actually, I do, but I don’t feel like moving right now. I’m a little wrung out from all those feelings being shared,” June said, breaking off a big chunk of cookie and stuffing it into her mouth. “Why does sugar make everything feel better?”

“Something about the chemicals it releases in our brains, lifting our spirits temporarily,” Serena said sipping her coffee. They sat quietly for a while, as June annihilated her cookie and then looked longingly at Serena’s until she slid it across the table to her. “Thanks,” June said, eating the second one slower.

“Did you not have lunch?” Serena asked.

“No. I was nauseous. I was afraid of coming today. I was afraid that if we started talking about all this shit, it was just going to ruin everything and we wouldn’t want to be together anymore.”

“And is that how you feel right now? Ready to throw the towel in already?” Serena asked quietly.

June sighed, and gathered her thoughts before responding. “No, Serena. I’m not ready to throw in the towel. I just…I really fucking missed you, and I wanted to come here today so I could see you and spend time with you. But I also knew what I was planning to talk about and that it might be really hard to just hang out and be sort of—you know, normal—after the session.”

“Yeah, I didn’t plan on rolling around in the sheets with you afterwards either. Truthfully, just sitting here having coffee together is way more than I thought was going to happen, so I’m just taking the win,” Serena said.

“Are you angry that I brought up the Ceremony?” June asked tentatively.

“God no! You need to talk about whatever you need to talk about. And I think it’s my job to listen to you, and try to take it all in and feel things from your perspective. I believe we’re building empathy towards each other’s experiences,” Serena said.

“Oh, you’ve definitely been here too long, Serena. You’re starting to sound like someone who’s had an excessive amount of therapy,” June said.

“That’s low, June, even for you,” Serena said, smirking. “And really—I’m not angry with you. I mean, it’s hard to hear. It’s hard to take myself back into that room where it all happened. The guilt and the responsibility I feel for your pain is enormous. But there is literally nothing that I can do to change what happened. All I can do is hear you out, and try to clear the air however we can.”

“I think we’re going to need to supplement our therapy session with something more physical—to get our aggressions out,” June said, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“Oh, June. I don’t know,” Serena said nervously. “I mean, it’s our go-to coping mechanism, but you might bite my nipple off and I know I would deserve it, but it’s sort of a short-term solution to a long-term problem.”

“Not sex, although it’s not a terrible thought,” June said.

“Then what?”

“Something really physical. Maybe train for a triathlon together so we could work our shit out with physical exertion—in addition to sex, of course. Wait! I know what we can try! Paint ball. We could go to one of those places and pound the shit out of each other with paint balls. Hundreds and hundreds of rounds, until we’re covered in paint. I think I should have only red paint balls and you only blue. That way at the end, I’ll be covered in blue paint and you’ll be covered in red. A reversal of roles, as it were.”

“I suppose it’s worth a try,” Serena agreed. “Are you sure you want us both to have paint ball guns, or do you want me to just stand still so you can pummel me with them? Maybe you could tie me up to a tree or something so I’m powerless, and I’ll have to stand there and handle your rage.”

“I was actually thinking that we would both be able to get our aggressions out. Everything you had to do in order to preserve your mission—even the shit you had to do to hurt me—you must be furious about it,” June reasoned.

“You have no idea, June,” Serena said, her eyes turning dark. “I have barely scratched the surface on my anger—mine, not Serena’s. But you’re the last person I’d want to take it out on. That would just make me feel worse.”

“Ok, so maybe we go with a bunch of strangers—we just show up and go out on the range with whatever group is there. Then we can shoot random people in addition to shooting each other, and our anger can have a more dispersed target,” June suggested.

“Hmmm…it’s not a bad idea. We will have to wait until I’m out of here, but I’m willing to give it a try.”

“Georges offered to show me how to shoot a gun, so I’ll have to make sure we go sometime next week. I’ll need to practice if I don’t want to be annihilated by the ninja spy with the mad sniper skills,” June said.

“Well, the sniper skills are a bit rusty. I haven’t held a gun in forever. So you’re going to learn how to shoot, eh? Pistol or rifle?” Serena asked.

“I assumed pistol. I don’t think it’s practical to carry a rifle in my purse,” June explained.

“Ah, so it’s about personal protection. Good. Whatever you can do to empower yourself and feel safer is worth a try. And if you find you don’t care for it, there are other methods of self-defense that you might want to look into, like martial arts or self-defense classes,” Serena suggested. “If you like, I could show you some basics. Or we could go to a dojo together and take a few classes so you could see how you like it. I’m pretty rusty but I would love the chance to bring my skill level up to where it was.”

“That’s actually a really, really good idea. Part of my fear is that I don’t know what I would do if someone actually grabbed me again—like they did when they chased me through the woods and captured me in Gilead. I relive that one a lot—what could I have done differently to save me and Hannah? It keeps me up at night.”

“What else keeps you up at night, June?” Serena asked, extending her hand across the table and covering June’s hand with hers.

“Nichole. I wonder where she is. If she’s healthy. When we’re going to get her back. What if something screws up, or Gilead takes her again. Stuff like that,” June said.

“Yeah. Me too. I worry about her a lot, but I try to tell myself that she is in good hands, and she really is June. She’ll be back with you really, really soon,” Serena said.

“I try to have faith, because I mean really—you’ve yet to let me down. And it’s funny. If feels to me like Mrs. Waterford is moving a bit more into the background. You feel different to me somehow. Less brittle and caustic,” June said.

“Is that a good thing?” Serena asked.

“I don’t know. Let me check,” June said, getting out of her chair and standing next to Serena, who reflexively pushed her own chair away from the table. June sat in Serena’s lap, and felt her arms wrap around her to hold her in place, while she loosely wrapped her arms around Serena’s neck. June looked into Serena’s eyes for what seemed like a long time, but was probably only 15 or 20 seconds. Then she gently brought her face close to Serena’s and placed a tentative, soft kiss on her lips. “Hmmm…I think I need to check some more,” June said, her face deep in concentration as she closed her eyes and placed another kiss on Serena’s lips--this time more certain. June slid her tongue between her lips and very slowly and very sensuously kissed Serena as though she was trying to commit every nuance to memory. Serena let June take the lead and set the pace. She was clearly trying to work out something in her mind, and she wanted to give her the space to do so. June deepened the kiss, and all of a sudden, Serena felt a wave of passion coming from June that she wasn’t expecting, so she opened her eyes, only to be met by June’s bright blue eyes, slightly misted over with unshed tears. June released Serena’s lips and they kept their foreheads pressed against each other for a few moments.

“Well, what do you think?” Serena whispered. “Is it a good thing, June?”

June smiled, with a lightness Serena had never seen before, then responded, “It’s a very, very good thing. Take me to your room, please.”


	8. Are you sure?

Serena and June held hands while they made their way to Serena’s room in the patient dormitory wing. Serena tried not to project about what may or may not happen in the course of the next few hours, but her body knew what it wanted. It was buzzing with anticipation. Her mouth was salivating. Her hands were sweating. There was a slight ringing in her ears. And of course, her body was preparing itself for any possibility of a sexual encounter by producing a veritable reservoir or wetness between her legs. _At least June wants to be alone with me. Even if we just play cards, that will be nice too, right?_ Serena told herself, wanting to, but unable to believe a word what she’d just told herself.

Serena opened the door to her room with a flourish. “It’s not the Hilton, but I think it will do for the next few hours.”

“That bed looks pretty awesome to me,” June said. “Does your door have a lock on it?”

“Uh, no. Locks on doors are generally a bad idea in places like this. But we do have something called a do not disturb feature, which means that for the next 3 hours no one will knock on my door, or call on the room phone. We don’t get to invoke it often, but it does come in handy,” Serena explained.

“And it’s been activated?”

“Yes—I let the nurse on-duty know when we walked past the station. And June, we don’t have to do anything sexual if you don’t feel comfortable with it,” Serena said as June closed the short gap between them, and stood as close to her as possible.

“What about you, Serena? What do you want?” June asked quietly, wrapping her arms around Serena’s torso and holding on tightly.

“I want whatever is going to make you happy, June, and hopefully, something that won’t damage our relationship further,” Serena said. “You’ve just talked about one of the most traumatic rituals you were subjected to as a Handmaid. I wouldn’t want to trigger you in any way.”

“Ok, so every time one of us wants to fuck, is the other one going to play the role of kill-joy and completely psychoanalyze why and make sure our motivations are pure and honorable? Because that’s not going to work for me,” June said.

“What will work for you, June? Because I want to make sure we’re both consenting, and not just because the other one wants it.”

“Sex helps me work out some very complicated and very dark shit, Serena. It got me through getting pregnant by Nick, it got me through my first escape, and it got me through my last escape. It’s something I use to help restore my balance and claim what I want—especially since I’ve spent a hell of a lot of time with no power in my life,” June explained. “But I hear what you’re saying, so I’ll make you this promise. If I start initiating, you can ask me if I’m certain it’s what I want, and if I agree, that’s the end of the probing. Same for you. We’ll both give verbal consent, and if we’re wanting to have sex for less than wholesome reasons, then that’s where we are.

“That’s fair enough. So, are you sure this is what you want?”

“So fucking sure,” June replied. “Are you?”

Serena leaned down and took June’s lips into a searing, passionate kiss. “Very fucking sure, June,” she said, sitting down on the edge of the bed and helping June straddle her lap. Serena pulled June’s top off in a fluid motion and proceeded to kiss, lick, suck and nibble every bit of exposed flesh she could find from June’s neck, to her shoulders. Her teeth nipped at June’s bra straps and she pulled one, then the other off so she could have better access. June unbuttoned Serena’s blouse, then busied herself unbuttoning Serena’s jeans, then hopped off her lap so she could peel them off her sticky thighs.

June knelt down between Serena’s legs and kissed her torso, then the inside of her thighs, teasing her through the soaked fabric covering her mound, coming closer and closer to where Serena needed her to focus. Finally, she slid the panties down and off of Serena’s legs, pulled her ass closer to the edge of the bed and wrapped her arms under her thighs so she could get as close as possible to Serena’s pussy. Without preamble, she dove in, covering her face with Serena’s juices. Serena fell backwards onto the bed and relaxed, with her legs lightly resting June’s shoulders, and her toes curling in anticipation. June was attentive today—not hurried and frantic. She licked every fold and crevice of Serena’s pussy, paying special, reverent attention to her clit. June moaned deeply and it shot a wave of desire through Serena. She grabbed a handful of June’s hair just for something to hang onto, and leaned up on her elbows so she could watch June worship the most intimate part of her body. Judging by the moans that June was making, she was really, really turned on, which of course, set Serena off, bringing her closer and closer to a climax.

She pulled June’s hair slightly, hoping she’d move her mouth up a bit, so June took the hint and latched onto her clit while she slid an arm out from beneath her and slid two fingers, then three, inside Serena. She fucked Serena hard and fast, while her tongue continued to lick and swirl around her clit, finally sucking it hard into her mouth. Serena’s orgasm took her by surprise and overwhelmed her--a bright shower of sparks behind her eyelids, while her body floated in a sea of relief and pleasure. June stayed where she was, gently licking Serena, and waiting for the spasms to stop before she got up and fell onto the bed, and into Serena’s arms. It took a few minutes for Serena to be able to open her eyes and focus on anything, and when she did, she could actually feel June smiling against her chest.

“I will be right with you—I promise,” Serena said as she tried to pull herself out of her post orgasmic haze. “I don’t know what you just did to me, but I’m finding it really hard to move right now.”

“Nothing special. Just making love to my new girlfriend,” June said wrapping her arms tighter around Serena.

“Does this girlfriend have a name?”

“Mmmmm. I like calling her Serena, but her given name is Suzanne. She’s really nice, and god does she taste fantastic!”

“Hold that thought—we’re not going to process what you just said right now until I fuck you,” Serena said, rolling June off of her and sitting up. She reached over and grabbed a bottle of water that was sitting on the nightstand, and took a few healthy gulps, offering the rest to June, who declined. Serena finished the bottle, and turned her attention back to June. “I swear, you sucked every bit of moisture out of my body just now. I could drink a bucket of water and it wouldn’t be enough.”

“I’d love to take the credit for that, but I believe it’s a side effect of the pain medication you started taking a couple of days ago.”

“Perhaps it’s a combination of both,” Serena said, unbuttoning and unzipping June’s pants. “How do we still have half of our clothes on? I’m a terrible hostess.”

“Trust me—I have no complaints. This little monk’s cell is feeling pretty romantic to me right now,” June said, lifting her hips so Serena could slide her pants and underwear off. Serena reached behind June and unhooked her bra, and pulled it off, tossing it onto the pile of clothes on the floor. Then she unhooked her own bra and removed it, and pulled June in tightly, their breasts pressing against each other. Serena slid her thigh between June’s legs and pressed it up against her very hot, very wet pussy. “Fuck, Serena…oh my god…” June moaned, as she thrust her hips into Serena’s thigh, coating her with her arousal. June was already impossibly aroused, and wondered vaguely how embarrassing it would be if she just rutted herself against Serena and exploded against her. _Fuck it_ , she thought, flipping Serena on her back, pinning her arms down and positioning herself directly on top of Serena’s pussy. When she brought her hips down, she moaned loudly as she felt her lips sliding against Serena’s. “Fuck,” June whispered haggardly, as she rubbed and grinded herself against Serena’s pussy. “That feels fucking amazing.”

Serena kept her hips still and grabbed June’s ass with both hands and kept her in place. She watched June’s face, determined and focused, as she chased relief from the maddening ache inside her. Serena felt June’s arousal building, as she picked up the pace and mercilessly grinded herself against Serena. June’s body stiffened for a moment, then released a huge gush of fluid, blinding her with pleasure and relief. She continued to rut against Serena, releasing a few smaller bursts of fluid, until she rolled off of her and laid herself out on the bed completely spent. Serena rolled to her side and kissed and caressed June gently, stroking her breasts lightly, allowing her whatever time she needed to come back to earth. June leaned up and kissed her lips softly, then rolled away from her and curled onto her side. Serena curled herself behind June, and wrapped her arm protectively around her. Serena deposited soft kisses onto June’s shoulders and neck, making June feel warm and safe until she drifted off to sleep. Serena laid awake for a little while, just listening to June’s breath, and feeling her heartbeat against the palm of her hand where June had clasped it. She allowed herself to feel peace and comfort, and a sliver of hope that against all odds, she and June might be happy together, as she drifted off to sleep.


	9. Security Team Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While June and Serena are attending group therapy, Jean-Guy calls a meeting with Georges, Lizette, and Gretchen White, to discuss all of the strange occurrences in and around the Prince family, and gather more information.

“Hello everyone, and thank you all for meeting with me today. I wanted to review recent security-related developments that we want everyone to be aware of, so we can properly mitigate any threats. As you know, complete discretion is required. It is absolutely imperative that the new identities of the Prince family, known in Gilead as Serena Waterford, June Osborne and Agnes Mackenzie, remain confidential.”

“I’ll start the meeting off with the update on what’s going on in Gilead,” Jean-Guy said. “They have been rattling their swords at Canada, threatening war if they find out we are harboring the Gilead fugitives. We have convinced them to stand down, and we’ve provided proof to their satisfaction that none of the three women they seek have crossed through Canada’s borders in the past month, nor have they contacted Canadian Refugee services for assistance. Gilead knows, of course, that none of that means that they aren’t in Canada. But the official stance is that we are not harboring them. We think they may have sent agents—unofficially, of course--to infiltrate Canada and try to find them. Also, we’ve lost contact with Fred Waterford, the Commander who was married to Serena Waterford, and to whom the Handmaid was assigned. We think he may be in hiding somewhere, or he might have been killed. I don’t want to give up on finding him. We need 100% confirmation of his demise before we can feel safe from any threat he might pose. If he is alive, he is highly motivated to get find them,” Jean-Guy said. “Now, I’ll ask Georges to update us all with what he’s learned in his role as head of security for the Prince family.”

“Merci, Jean-Guy,” Georges said. “We’ve found evidence near the Prince’s house that an unauthorized person has been on the property. We reviewed security footage and were able to obtain this image of him—Jean-Guy, could you put up the photo please?”

“That’s John Lucas!” Gretchen said. “He has been running the group therapy program for the Agency’s inpatient program. Do we know how he found their home and what he was doing there?”

“Not yet,” Georges said. “Gretchen, why don’t you fill us in on what Mr. John Lucas has been up to at the hospital?”

“Certainly,” Gretchen said. “Lucas was a long-time field agent and when his assignment finished, he went to graduate school to become a therapist. He has been working in our program for a number of years, running the group therapy sessions. Suzanne reported to me that he’d been behaving very strangely and asked her to inform on another patient. He claimed the patient might be a danger to herself, which he should never had spoken to Suzanne about because it violated privacy protocols and was inappropriate from an ethical perspective.” Gretchen explained. “We don’t generally discuss patients with other patients, unless we have signed permission to do so, and only with good reason. He has been put on indefinite leave, and we have him under 24-hour surveillance, with his phones and email accounts tapped. We know now he is not who he said he was, or he’s a double agent—either way, he must be neutralized. Especially if he’s been seen lurking outside the Prince home. We must find out who he is working for and what his agenda is. We are also watching the movements of the female patient that he was asking Suzanne to inform on. We need to understand where she fits in here.”

“If Lucas works at the hospital, it might not have been too difficult to find out Suzanne’s home address,” Georges surmised.

“Actually, those patient information screens are locked down pretty tightly,” Lizette said. “And we don’t have a physical address in the system for either of them. We have a postal box listed.”

“As of right now, we don’t know who Lucas is working for. He could be working for the Americans. They would be very invested in speaking to our witnesses to give them as much intel about Gilead to help them overthrow the government. Of course, he could be working for Gilead. Regardless, we need to bring him in for questioning immediately—he may hold the key to what the hell is going on here. And, we need him to get the hell away from the Prince’s home immediately, or he will blow their cover.”

“Right,” Jean-Guy agreed. “I’ll let the team know to bring him in. He’s an Agency employee, so we don’t have to follow legal protocols which makes this easier. We can’t tip his hand, and give him time to inform whoever hired him that we are on to him. We need to find out who he works for and what he’s trying to do.”

“Lizette, will you please provide an update of some of the items of concern we’ve experienced at the hospital and the psychiatric facility?” Jean-Guy asked.

“Certainly. While Suzanne was staying as an inpatient recovering from the anthrax poisoning, there was only one incident that occurred. A guard who was posted outside the Prince family apartment took an unauthorized break and was found shooting drugs in the men’s room, and nodded off. He was of course fired, and when we went through the employment records of all the guards we had assigned for this protection detail, we found several others with questionable qualifications whom we have since fired and replaced. It’s critical that we use our best agents to protect this family,” Lizette explained. “It is absolutely unthinkable that they be recaptured and sent back to Gilead.”

“It’s a bit concerning that the hospital settings seem to be the weakest links,” Georges said. “Those facilities are monitored by our enemies and allies alike, just in the course of normal surveillance that goes on between countries. With facial recognition software, it wouldn’t take too long to identify one or more of them and sound the alert that they’ve been located.”

“It’s also entirely possible that Gilead is somehow tracking them,” Jean-Guy said. “Although they brought nothing with them at all from Gilead—everything they touched or that belonged to them in Gilead when they escaped was set on fire, including the car that they rode in—it’s still possible that there was some sort of tracking device implanted in one of them without their knowledge. Lizette, can we get their bodies scanned to see if there’s anything there?”

“Certainly—we’ll get that done this week. Holly as well?” Lizette asked.

“Especially Holly—since she was kept apart from Elizabeth, we don’t know what she was subjected to,” Jean-Guy said.

“So what we have here,” Jean-Guy said, “are a lot of pieces, but we don’t know how they fit into the puzzle. If anything suspicious happens, notify either me or Georges immediately—no one else. We have to keep them safe at all times.”

Jean-Guy thanked Gretchen for attending, and she took her leave. After she left, Georges said, “we must brief Suzanne and Elizabeth as soon as we can. The longer we wait, the more pissed off Suzanne will be, and we risk losing Elizabeth’s trust.

“Why don’t we get together with them tomorrow, Jean-Guy suggested. “Lizette, if you could come too, please. We’ll meet at a neutral location. Let’s go to the safe house on Normandy Street. I don’t even want anyone outside this room know that we’re going to see them tomorrow,” Jean-Guy said.

“Fine—what excuse do we use to get Suzanne out of the hospital?” Georges asked.

“I’ll take care of that—I’ll order some medical tests for her. I can take care of getting her to the meeting, and when we get to the car, I’ll let her know what’s really happening,” Lizette explained. “Georges, can you take care of getting Elizabeth there by, say, 11:30? Suzanne has a few free hours around that time, and since Group Therapy is cancelled until we can find another therapist, her afternoon is actually quite free.”

“Jean-Guy, I would like to suggest that we bring Suzanne back to the house. It’s clear that there are strange happenings at the hospital, and if they connect Serena Waterford with Suzanne Prince, all hell will break lose politically. In addition, if the three of them are all in one spot, they are easier to protect,” Georges said.

“Georges, you’re very close to Elizabeth—do you think she’s ready for Suzanne to come home?” Lizette asked.

“I do. I think that Elizabeth is suffering unnecessarily from anxiety that might be mitigated if Suzanne were there. And they are both very anxious about getting Nichole back, and we need to discuss, as a group, if this is the right time for that. The paperwork is ready, and the agents that have been taking care of her have been advised that their assignment is likely ending very soon. All we have to do is give the word and one of us can go pick Nichole up and bring her back to Elizabeth and Suzanne,” Georges said.

“Certainly, if they are all together in the same house, it will be emotionally easier on all of them,” Lizette said. “And from supervising Suzanne’s treatment, I know that her patience is running thin with the program, and after that privacy breach of Lucas’, she’s already got one foot out the door. The truth is, she’s already making great progress with her therapy. She’s highly motivated because she wants to be back home with Elizabeth and Holly, and although she doesn’t say it often, she misses Nichole very much. I think we should bring it up tomorrow at the meeting. This is her life, and I know she doesn’t want us making decisions for her,” Lizette said.

“Yes, I still have a scar from the time I made a judgement call without consulting her on a mission we were both on. I won’t make that mistake again,” Jean-Guy said chuckling. “But I agree that we should talk to them about what’s going on, and discuss a plan for bringing Nichole home. My only, and I mean my only hesitation is bringing Nichole into an environment that’s at risk of being be penetrated by Gilead agents. The very last thing we need is for Gilead to find out that “Baby Nichole” is alive and well and living in Canada. They want that baby more than they want the wife and the handmaid,” Jean-Guy said.

“And if Nichole is ever harmed, Suzanne will never forgive herself, and she has enough guilt weighing on her conscience to last a lifetime,” Lizette said.

“Anything else to add to the agenda tomorrow?” Georges asked. “Bonne! We’ll meet tomorrow morning at the safe house. And I’ll order lunch for everyone—we still have to eat, even if we don’t have the best news to share."

“Merci! I will see you both tomorrow,” Lizette said, excusing herself and taking her leave.

“I’m nervous, Georges,” Jean-Guy said.

“I know. Try not to show it. You’ll scare the girls.”


	10. Decisions, decisions...

Serena sat up in bed writing in her journal—it was late, and she couldn’t sleep. The day had been emotional, as anticipated. The first therapy session with June was rough. Not surprisingly, she had wanted to focus the discussion on the Gilead Ceremony.

 _It probably would have been weird if she’d picked a different topic_ , Serena wrote. _And it’s not going to be the last time we talk about the Ceremony, either. I’m sure she can’t process how I could go along with that state-sanctioned rape. Hell, I can’t process it! I’ve told her that I had feelings for her from the day she walked into the Waterford’s house, yet, I held her down every month so Commander Coward could rape her. Nothing fucked up about that._

_I mean, I know why I went along with it. Because if I fought it, and refused to participate, they’d have shot me, hung me on the wall, or sent me to shovel toxic waste in the Colonies. And they would have just gotten another wife to step into my place and hold her down anyway, so the end result would have been the same. But if I’d refused it and gotten myself killed, June and Hannah would still be in Gilead. It sounds very “ends justify the means”, because that’s exactly what it is. She endured the Ceremony, and if I’m being honest, I endured it too. I did so many horrific things as Serena, and I was complicit in so many more. I really had no idea how much of my own moral compass would be swallowed up in agreeing to that assignment. It’s hard to live with. I don’t even know if I can live with it. I mean, if June’s able to forgive me or at least, come to some sort of peaceful place with all of it, then great—but if she can’t then I don’t know what I’ll do. Although I guess I could pick another sucky assignment and spend the rest of my days undercover in some other horrific place. I want a normal life with June, and I don’t know if I’m going to get to have it or not._

Serena closed her journal and slid it into the drawer of her nightstand along with her pen. She turned the bedside lamp off and slid down under the covers and rolled onto her side. The sheets still held the lingering scent of her afternoon with June, and as Serena closed her eyes and breathed it in, she smiled, remembering what June had said to her about making love to her ‘new’ girlfriend _. For all of my guilt, and shame, and worrying and fear about how on earth June will ever get past Serena Waterford and Gilead, she’s going to process all of this in her own way, in her own time. It seems like she started to see me—like the real me—the non-Serena Waterford me. And she seems to like what she sees. Maybe that can be enough—at least for tonight,_ she thought, as she allowed herself to drift off to sleep.

Several hours later, in the very early hours of the morning, Serena was awakened by a loud knock on her door. “Special Agent Prince!”

Serena sat up in bed just as two armed guards entered and turned the lights on. “Apologies for disturbing you, but we need to do a room by room check on all of the patients. May we check your room, please?”

“Certainly,” Serena said, getting up from the bed and grabbing a sweater off the chair nearby and slipping it over head. The guards were thorough and quick, and since the room was small, they were done in less than a minute.

“What’s happened, Sargent?” Serena asked. 

“We’ve had an unauthorized entry to the facility by a terminated employee, and we need to find him, as well as make certain everyone is safe. He’s considered dangerous.”

“Let me guess—John Lucas,” she said.

“Yes, ma’am. We can’t find him, and one of the patients is missing as well,” the Sargent said. “We’ll leave you now ma’am, and again, sorry to bother you,” he said, as he and the other guard left the room and closed the door behind them.

Serena sat on the bed and released a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding. She had so much adrenalin coursing through her body, she could barely sit still. She took her Agency-issued emergency cell phone out and dialed Jean-Guy.

“Oui, c’est Jean-Guy,” said the groggy voice on the phone.

“It’s Suzanne. Two guards just came to check my room, looking for John Lucas. He broke into the hospital and is wandering around doing lord knows what. And there is another patient missing as well. I’m guessing it’s the same woman he’s obsessed with--Jane.”

“Merde! Who the fuck is this guy!” Jean-Guy said, running his fingers through his disheveled hair.

“Whoever he is, I do not think he is a former field agent who has a degree in counseling now. Or if he is, he has a second job,” Serena said.

“Well, the timing of this is very interesting. Georges found security camera footage of Lucas near your house. We had a security team meeting today to review a few of the out-of-the-ordinary events that have occurred since you arrived in Halifax, and we planned to meet with you at noon today—with Elizabeth--to brief you. We planned the meeting off-site, with just myself, Georges and Lizette. Lucas was going to be a main topic of the conversation, and now it seems I need to launch a man-hunt. We sent agents to take him in this afternoon for questioning, but he was nowhere to be found. I guess now we know where he was headed, and clearly, we’re still looking for him.”

“If he’s been near the house, he probably recognized June too. We need to find out who he’s working for and neutralize this threat immediately,” Serena said.

“Yes we do. And we were going to discuss this later today with you, but based on what just occurred tonight, I would like to ask if you think it is in your best interest to leave the inpatient program and return to the house with Elizabeth and Holly. It will be much easier to protect you if you are all in one place,” Jean-Guy said.

“Yes, that is an excellent suggestion, and it’s why I called. I don’t want to wake the house up by arriving mysteriously in the middle of the night, but I’d like to get out of here. Can you send a car to pick me up at 7?”

“Of course, Suzanne. I will actually be at the hospital within the hour to check in on the search for Lucas, so if you want to tag along with me while you wait for your ride, you’re welcome to.”

“It’s not like I’ll get any sleep so, sure—why not. By the way, does Elizabeth know any of this stuff with Lucas, etc.?”

“No, not yet. We wanted to tell you together, so that we are being transparent. We have some decisions to make about how we move forward with keeping you all safe.”

“Understood. Thanks for everything you’re doing for us, Jean-Guy,” Serena said.

“I’m very sorry, Suzanne. I feel like after everything you’ve given to the Agency, we’ve done nothing but let you down since you returned from your mission,” Jean-Guy said.

“It’s not your fault, Jean-Guy. Who knew Fred Waterford would have the balls to poison me—and we don’t know who Lucas is or who he’s working for yet, so don’t be so quick to fall on the sword,” Serena said. They said their good-byes and she disconnected the call.

Serena was puzzled and disturbed by the strange events that had taken place since she started the inpatient program. They couldn’t be coincidental—there was no such thing in her world. She was anxious to find out how the search for Lucas was going, so she took a quick shower and got dressed, and by the time she’d finished drying her hair, Jean-Guy was knocking at her door.

“Do you always look so fresh and lovely when a man comes knocking at your door in the middle of the night?” Jean-Guy asked, earning himself a solid punch in the arm from Serena.

“Fuck you, and stay on point please. Have they found Lucas yet?” Serena asked.

“Yes, they have him in custody. And they’ve found Jane too, and she’s pretty banged up. She was sent to the Agency trauma unit for treatment. He probably needs medical attention too—Jane was top of her class in hand-to-hand combat-- but we’re slow-walking that. We want him in pain, weak, and talkative. We’re processing his apartment for evidence right now,” Jean-Guy said.

“Good. Is Jane able to speak?”

“Yes but she needs medical attention first. We’ve got a senior agent with her, ready to take her statement as soon as she’s able,” Jean-Guy said. “Come with me—I want to look at where they found Jane and Lucas—maybe we’ll see something that will help us figure out what the hell those two were up to.”

Serena and Jean-Guy spent the next couple of hours examining the area where Lucas was apprehended, as well as interviewing some of the guards that were on the scene. They found out what they already knew--they needed Lucas and Jane to talk. Nevertheless, Serena enjoyed having her head back in the game after all the years spent in Gilead, where her most challenging assignment was not choking Fred Waterford.

At exactly 7 am, an orderly came to let her know that her car was there to pick her up. She said goodbye to Jean-Guy, stopped at her room to pick up her bag that she’d already packed, and headed out the front door to the waiting car. When she looked at the driver, she was delighted to see that it was Georges, and that there were a couple of passengers in the back seat.

“Surprise!” Hannah and June said when they saw Serena.

“Wow, this is a surprise! What are you two doing up this early?” Serena asked.

“I happened to wake up and found my roommate putting his adorable chauffeur cap on. I figured there could only be one place he was going, so I got Hannah up so we could all come and get you together. Are you coming home for good?” June asked.

“Yes, I am. I hope that’s ok,” she said quietly, realizing that it might not be welcome news to June.

June reached over to squeeze Serena’s hand and said, “Of course it’s ok. It’s really, really ok.”

Serena let out a breath she was unconsciously holding and buckled her seat belt.

“We’ll be taking the scenic route, today, Suzanne. And, we thought we’d celebrate your homecoming by taking you out for breakfast—how does that sound?” Georges said.

“That sounds perfect,” Serena said, as she sank back into the car seat. She hadn’t realized how much tension she’d been holding since she’d been woken up by the guards last night. She wanted to talk to June about it, but not in front of Hannah. _We’ll have plenty of time to discuss it at the security briefing today._


	11. Banana Walnut Pancakes

Georges had been telling the truth when he said he was taking the scenic route. They drove for what seemed like an hour, while Hannah kept them all entertained with stories about her lessons with Olivia, her trip to the aquarium, and the new friends she was making at the playground. When they finally pulled up in front of the restaurant, they were all ready to eat. Georges opened the car door closest to the sidewalk, and all three of them exited the vehicle. They entered the restaurant to find it virtually empty, except for the cook and the waitress. June found this unsettling, but Serena and Georges seemed to take it for granted.

“Hi! Welcome to Batter up! Is this your first time visiting?” the waitress asked. “Take a seat anywhere you like,” she said and Serena and Georges automatically headed for the back part of the restaurant, away from the windows. June noticed their choice, and said nothing, following their lead. The waitress handed them menus, filled up their coffee cups, and left them for a few minutes to look at the menu.

“How come we’re the only ones in the restaurant?” Hannah asked, looking directly at Georges.

“Because I arranged it, mon petite fille,” he replied smiling. “We wanted to have the restaurant all to ourselves while we celebrate Suzanne coming home.”

“Ok,” Hannah said, accepting the answer without question. June quirked an eyebrow at Georges, and he made a shushing gesture with his lips, and she decided to let it go for the moment. Something was definitely not right here, but whatever it was, it couldn’t be discussed in front of Hannah.

The waitress returned with Hannah’s juice and took their breakfast orders. Since they were the only ones in the restaurant, they didn’t have to wait very long before the waitress returned with plates piled high with piping hot pancakes. Serena smiled and kicked Georges under the table. “I’m touched you remembered.”

“Well of course, Suzanne. How many mornings did we go out for breakfast and you ordered the same thing every single time? Banana walnut pancakes with a side of bacon,” Georges said, pouring a generous amount of maple syrup onto his pancake stack.

“Pretty decadent treat, Suzanne,” June said, elbowing her. With all the weirdness of the morning’s events, she thought it best to use their cover names. _We need to get better about that anyway—we can’t take chances._

“I blame my father,” Serena said. “He took me out every Saturday morning for breakfast. It was our thing.” Serena cut into the stack of pancakes and popped a wedge into her mouth. She closed her eyes and let out a sedate moan and a smile plastered itself across her face. “Wow—I forgot how amazing these are,” she said, promptly popping another bite into her mouth. The next 10 minutes were quiet, as everyone was occupied with enjoying their meals. The waitress returned to the table to refill coffee cups and remove the completely empty plates from the table. Georges excused himself and went to the counter to settle the bill.

“Mommy, those pancakes were awesome! Can we come here again sometime?” Hannah asked.

“I’m sure we can, sweetie,” June replied. “And,” June whispered to Serena, “if it makes that smile appear on your face more often, we can come here a lot.”

“There are lots of things to smile about now,” Serena said.

When Georges returned to the table and donned his chauffeur’s cap, they took their leave and got back into the car, heading to the Prince house. Hannah asked if she could sit in the front with Georges, leaving June and Serena in the back seat. As soon as they were buckled in, June grabbed Serena’s hand, leaned in and kissed her lips, then laid her head against Serena’ shoulder—promptly falling asleep. Serena just sat quietly, enjoying the feeling of June’s hair tickling her face, and listening to her even breaths. June’s nap was cut short because the car arrived at the house in just about 20 minutes. “Wake up, June—we’re here,” Serena said, caressing June’s cheek and depositing a kiss on her head.

“Wow—I passed out,” June said yawning.

“I have that effect on women,” Serena said chuckling, earning herself a glare from June.

“Don’t make me get jealous,” June cautioned. “You don’t want to see me jealous.”

“Point taken—and for the record, you’re the only woman I’m interested in having any sort of effect on.”

They walked up to the front door of the house, and Georges unlocked the door for them and ushered them all inside.

“Hannah, Olivia will be here in half an hour for your lessons, so if you have any homework that you need to finish, you should take care of that,” June said.

“I finished my homework last night, so can I show Serena—I mean Suzanne—my room? It’s different since the last time you saw it—Mommy and me have been decorating,” Hannah explained.

“Well of course I want to see it—lead the way,” Serena said, following Hannah up the stairs. While Hannah and Serena were occupied, Georges took a moment to talk with June—he knew she had a lot of questions to ask.

“So why was that restaurant empty?” June asked.

“Because I arranged for it to be empty,” Georges replied. “We need to keep a closer watch on the three of you. There’s a meeting today with you and Suzanne, along with me, Jean-Guy and Lizette. We need to discuss some things that have been occurring that are of concern, and out of the ordinary. We’ll need to decide what our course of action will be.”

“So that also probably has something to do with why Serena is home now,” June said.

“Exactly. We’ll leave at 11 for the meeting today. It will be at another Agency safe house. We thought it best to meet on neutral ground—also, we know the location is secure.”

“As in the hospital is not secure, and this house is not secure,” June said.

“I didn’t say that Elizabeth, but you are a smart woman. Yes, there have been some security issues, so we are exercising an over-abundance of caution. Please don’t worry. You’re safe here, and Suzanne is home at last. Why don’t you take a nap? You woke up far too early today. I’ll be here to let Olivia in, and Suzanne is busy with Holly, so you can rest.”

“That’s not a bad idea. All those pancakes sitting in my stomach are making me feel very nappish,” June said. “I’ll set an alarm to make sure I’m up in time to leave by 11, ok?”

“That’s fine. I’ll keep your girlfriend occupied so she won’t disturb you,” Georges said, chuckling as June pretended to act shocked and turned to go upstairs. She stopped and looked into Hannah’s room and saw her very animated daughter showing Serena all her cool ‘stuff’. She caught Serena’s eye and winked at her and continued down the hallway to her room. She took her shoes and jeans off, and slid under the covers, relieved to be lying down in her comfy bed. She set the alarm on her phone for 10:40, and closed her eyes, and fell asleep almost immediately.

Meanwhile, Serena went downstairs with Hannah, and introduced herself to Olivia, who had just arrived. While Olivia and Hannah went off to start the day’s lessons, Serena went into the kitchen to find Georges drinking coffee, and looking pensive.

“All right, young man—I’m going to need you to tell me everything. You know I hate surprises, and I’m certainly not going to wait 3 hours to find out what the hell has been going on around here,” Serena said, pouring herself a cup of coffee, and joining him at the kitchen table.

Georges filled Serena in on everything that had been discussed at the security meeting with Jean-Guy and Lizette, while she told him about the events that occurred last night with John Lucas and Jane.

“This is all so strange,” Serena said. “I know these incidents are linked—I just don’t know how.”

“We need to put all the pieces together on a board, and see where there are any links, or patterns. We should also get the latest report on what the security team found in Lucas’ apartment and Jane’s hospital room, as well as full copies of both their files. I’m going to call Gretchen and ask her to email the files to us so we can review it before the meeting,” Georges said. “Suzanne, do you think Elizabeth is going to be all right around our ‘spook talk’, as she would say?” Georges asked.

“Well, now that I know what’s been going on, the meeting today will be more of a working session for us, to review the evidence and brainstorm,” Serena said. “And if that’s the case, I think June would probably appreciate being part of the discussions. She’s a fairly masterful strategist—she held the Gilead record for the most escapes attempted by a Handmaid.”

“Why does that not surprise me?” Georges said chuckling. “If it gets to be too much for her, she can sit the discussions out. But I agree—I think she’ll want to be part of the conversation.”

“All right—and now that it’s just us, I need you to level with me about how June is doing emotionally. I have my own thoughts, but you spend the most time with her, so I’d appreciate your opinion,” Serena said.

“Well, for someone who’s escaped a horrible existence as a prisoner and sex slave, I think she’s doing marvelously. She is very attentive to her daughter, she is attending therapy sessions, she is doing all the things that she ‘should’ be doing in her life right now. Is she stressed? Absolutely. Is she anxious? Yes. But not without reason,” Georges explained. “I’d be more worried if she was not anxious.”

“I completely agree with you. But the exhaustion—it seems intense. I can’t tell what’s really going on. I do know that if she’s not getting enough sleep and she’s exhausted all the time, it’s going to fray her nerves further. Has it been any better since you moved in?”

“I’m not certain if she’s sleeping through the night, or if nightmares have continued to be a problem since I’ve been staying here. She has mentioned them a few times. I do know that she takes a lot of naps, especially while Olivia is here with Holly, and she knows her child is well cared for. In the evening, when it’s been the three of us, she seems more energetic—at least long enough to make dinner and sit with us to eat, but she falls asleep on the couch while we’re watching tv, almost without exception. In fact, she just went up for a nap as soon as we got home from breakfast this morning. I did suggest it to her, since she’d fallen asleep on your shoulder in the car, but she does take any opportunity she can to sleep,” Georges said.

“She could be exhausted or she could be depressed. Or like you said, for what she’s been through in the past few years, she’s doing amazingly well,” Serena said. “What about the hyper-vigilance?”

“That has gotten a bit better since I’m here. She does want me to constantly check on things, but I would do that anyway, so I guess we’re both hyper-vigilant,” Georges said.

“I’ll talk to June about it—in therapy if I have to. I don’t believe she’s had a physical exam since we left Gilead, so that might have to move to the top of the list—Hannah too. I want to make sure nothing medically is going on. The nutrition in Gilead was shit. She needs blood work to see what she’s deficient in. And she lost so much blood during her pregnancy—when she hemorrhaged, and when she delivered the baby on her own. Gilead doesn’t believe in medication, so I doubt they gave her iron supplements.”

“I think having you here will be a huge help to her. You’ll be here to love her and care for her and watch over her. By the way, do you want me to move back into the house across the street?” Georges asked.

“I think that depends on what we decide at today’s meeting. I think 24-hour on-site protection is in order, but I understand if you want your privacy,” Serena said.

“I’m more concerned with your privacy, Suzanne. I love being here. And I know it makes everyone feel safer and I worry less about you.”

“I should be able to protect all of us, but—well, we don’t know what we’re up against, so it’s hard to know how to fight effectively,” Serena said. “And my skills are rusty. I need to get back into training. I think it will help me more than the therapy will.”

“From what I heard, you’ve been working out a lot, haven’t you?”

“There wasn’t a lot to do there in the hospital and it was better than sitting around playing with my feelings, so yes, I’ve been in the gym several hours a day. And, I’ve been bribing one of the guards to spar with me whenever I get the chance. But getting back to whether you should stay at the house with us…” Serena said.

“There’s nothing I would rather do than take care of you and the girls,” Georges said. “But let’s talk about it with everyone and we’ll come up with a plan. You might need to consider leaving this house and moving to another safe house if we feel this has been compromised—and it might have been, depending on what Lucas is up to. Hopefully, Jean-Guy will have more information on him.”

“I understand that may need to happen—and I hope June will be ok with that. We’ll have to take Olivia with us if we go.”

“She knows what she signed on for, Suzanne. She’s a professional,” Georges said.

“Well, we’ll know more after the meeting this afternoon,” Serena said, pouring herself a cup of tea to settle her still tender stomach. The pancakes were delicious, but she was paying the price now.


	12. Who is the Real Enemy?

Georges drove June and Serena to the safe house for the meeting with Lizette and Jean-Guy. Serena read through the reports concerning Lucas’ break in at the hospital and his subsequent attack on Jane the night before. _I still haven’t had a chance to tell June about it—I guess we’ll cover it at the meeting, but I should give her some sort of a heads-up._

She planned to tell June about it during the car ride, but, as was her current practice, she was passed out and leaning against Serena’s shoulder. It took a full 30 minutes before Georges pulled the car in front of a very ordinary looking house. “June, we’re here,” Serena said, depositing a kiss on top of her head and gathering her files together.

“That was quick,” June said stretching and rubbing her eyes.

“It really wasn’t, but I’m glad you got in another nap,” Serena said smiling. “I was going to mention this to you before, but I didn’t want to disturb you. You’re going to hear about an incident that happened to me last night in the hospital that directly contributed to me leaving and moving back home. I’m going to be going over it today with everyone, and I didn’t want you to be completely surprised,” Serena said.

“Thanks—I appreciate that. I figured something happened, but to be truthful, I was just grateful you came home, and I wasn’t going to question it,” June said.

“This is going to be a working session—we need to review all the security incidents that have happened, look at everything holistically and see where we can find connections and patterns,” Serena explained. “Drink some coffee when we get there, because I’m going to need your beautiful, crafty brain wide awake to help us figure out what’s going on,” Serena said, leaning over to kiss June before she exited the car.

“So the super-spies need my help?” June said incredulously.

“Yes, we do. I know how that mind of yours works—quickly, efficiently, and you are very good at looking at all the possible angles. It’s time to put it to good use—not to escape Gilead, but to figure out who from Gilead is trying to find us,” Serena said.

“Aye aye, Special Agent Prince,” June said, as she took Serena’s hand and they made their way into the house where Jean-Guy and Lizette were already waiting for them.

Lizette and Jean-Guy were already seated in the living room of the house. As everyone greeted each other, Lizette pulled Serena aside for a quick word.

“How are you feeling physically? Anthrax poisoning can take quite a while to recover from, and the strain you were infected with is particularly nasty. I’m concerned about your pain level,” Lizette said.

“It’s tolerable, but every time I think about putting something into my stomach, I have to weigh the consequences. For example, Georges took us out for pancakes this morning, and of course, I couldn’t help myself, so I’m paying a price for it,” Serena said.

“The anthrax poisoning impacted your gastrointestinal tract, specifically your throat and your stomach. We’ve been treating you with very strong antibiotics to kill all of the anthrax spores, and we’ve been successful at that. Your blood tests show that you no longer have anthrax in your system, which is wonderful. But the cure has left your digestive system in rough shape. Your body needs time to rebalance, Lizette explained.

“If it’s just that, then great. I’ll just continue to be careful about what I eat and how much, and hopefully, this will resolve itself soon,” Serena said.

“Are you still taking the pain killers we prescribed for you?” Lizette asked.

“No. I didn’t like how they made me feel,” Serena confessed.

Lizette sighed. “Well, if you’ve gone this long without and managed, there’s no point in arguing with you. But if you find you are not sleeping because of the pain, please let me know. There’s no sense in you suffering unnecessarily. And sleep really is the best healer I know.”

“So Georges mentioned that we all need to get scanned for tracking devices. When is that going to happen?” Serena asked.

“We don’t need to check you—you’ve had every inch of your body scanned multiple times, and there is nothing foreign in your body. But we would like to see Elizabeth and Holly tomorrow morning,” Lizette said.

“All right—give us the details and we’ll get there on time,” Serena said.

“Good—let’s get back to the others now. We have a lot to discuss,” Lizette said. “And by the way, if I haven’t said it to you lately, I’m so glad you are finally home. I’ve missed my friend.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Serena said, taking Lizette’s hand and squeezing it.

“All right everyone—please get yourself a beverage and get comfortable. We have a lot to discuss,” Jean-Guy said. Within a few minutes, everyone was seated and the meeting began.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An hour later, after all of the information had been shared with the group, including the basics about John Lucas’ apprehension and interrogation and Jane’s statement, they broke for lunch. Georges had ordered salad and an assortment of sandwiches. June was sitting at the end of the couch, staring into space while she slowly chewed a bite of her sandwich, when Serena joined her.

“What are you staring at,” she asked.

“Absolutely nothing,” June said. “My head is going to explode with everything the gang of three just told us. How much of this did you know?”

“I had my suspicions about John Lucas, but that’s because he was behaving weird with me at the hospital and I reported him,” Serena explained. “But everything else I learned today—I had Georges fill me in while you napped this morning.”

“Is that all you’re eating?” June asked, looking at Serena’s small, bland-looking, turkey sandwich. “Do you even have any mayo or anything on that? It looks really pathetic.”

“Well, that’s the price I’m paying for all those pancakes this morning,” Serena said, looking down at her sandwich with disgust and placing her plate on the coffee table. “It seems my stomach has limits as to how much food it is willing to consider digesting, and I’m already over today’s limit.”

“Well, I guess you’ll have no trouble keeping that stylish figure of yours,” June quipped. “Although, if I never see you in teal again, that would be fine with me.

“You and me both. I swear, they picked that awful color just to piss the wives off,” Serena said. “Luckily, I didn’t look like shit in it, but some of the other wives—well, it was unfortunate for them.”

“And I think I’ve had enough of red for awhile,” June said. “Although truthfully, it’s my color.”

Serena raised her eyebrow and gently moved June’s chin with her index finger so they were directly facing each other. “What’s with the waltz down memory lane, June? You’re running lines from our life in Gilead like you’re reminiscing about your favorite movie.”

“Am I?” June said, her face registering surprise. “Wonder what that’s about? I guess I’ll mention it in therapy—that is if we’re still allowed to have therapy after this meeting. The security situation is pretty compromised.”

“We’ll figure something out, June. If we have to have a live-in shrink to referee for us, then that’s what we’ll do.”

“Between the nanny that’s probably going to have to move in, our body-guard, Nichole, and now a live-in therapist, I think we might need a bigger house,” June said.

Serena was about to respond when she was interrupted by Jean-Guy, who was trying to get everyone’s attention to restart the meeting.

“All right everyone—I’d like to start with our friend, Mr. Lucas. I called and got an update on his interrogation, and the background investigation on him. The Agency head has authorized us to use our discretion in interrogating him,” Jean-Guy said.

“What’s his link to Jane?” Serena asked.

“We think Jane was very suspicious of him from the start. She spoke to Gretchen, her counselor, the same day you told her about him, and she immediately had him placed under surveillance. We think Jane continued to investigate him on her own, because we found evidence on her laptop to suggest she’d been doing some deep-diving on Lucas. He may have figured out she was onto him, and perhaps that’s why they fought,” Jean-Guy said.

“To what end, though? What was he up to and what did Jane think she knew?” Serena asked.

“Lucas stole a badge before he was removed from the facility and placed on leave, which allowed him to sneak in last night without our immediate knowledge. When the shift supervisor noticed the late-night swipe, he checked and found that the employee badge swiped was for someone who’d been on holiday for the past week and wasn’t due back for a shift until the following week. He immediately alerted all personnel, and a room to room search was undertaken. Then they found Lucas and Jane.”

“Is there a Gilead connection?” June asked.

“We are not sure yet, but our assumption is yes—he’s connected. We did find him prowling around outside the Prince house, so somehow, he’s located you. But why? Is he a Gilead agent, trying to either kill you or take you back? And how did he find you here? Do one of you have a tracker hidden somewhere inside your body that you don’t know about? Or is he a run of the mill creep who’s obsessed with Suzanne and wanted to start stalking her early, before she was released from the hospital,” Jean-Guy said.

“Damn it!” June said, angrily, touching her ear reflexively. “I should have torn this out—Serena I’m so sorry we didn’t think of it.”

“Please don’t do that to yourself—I think when you get scanned, you’ll find that the tracker in your ear is a useless piece of broken technology—and even if it is fully functioning, the range is limited,” Serena said. “The Aunts just used the trackers to the shit out of you, making you think that they could track you to Mars if you escaped, but it’s simply not true. They used fear to keep you from running, and for the most part, it worked—except in a few cases” Serena said with a small smile.

“Really? Because if this is my fault…” June started.

“Elizabeth, we are not here to place blame among ourselves. We’re here to find solutions,” Georges said gently.

“Georges is right, Elizabeth,” Jean-Guy said. We’ll find out tomorrow if one of you have working trackers, and if that’s the case, it will explain everything. If not, then I’m afraid, we’ll have to face the fact that we’ve had a security breach.”

The room went deadly quiet. There were only 5 people who knew the new identities of Serena Waterford, June Osborne and Agnes McKenzie, and all but two were in the room.

“We’re not going to wait to find out if there’s a tracker in one of you. There is a team currently researching every bit of information available on the 5 people who know who you really are—including the 3 of us. I’ve asked another agency—CSIS—to handle the investigation, because we need impartiality. I know it’s unthinkable that any of us would betray Suzanne, but never the less, we have to look at it, and we cannot examine ourselves without bias,” Jean-Guy said.

“That’s good, Jean-Guy,” Georges said. “We should add another name to the list—Olivia Miles, Holly’s tutor. As a rule, Holly is very careful about not referring to Serena in front of her, but it’s possible that she slipped. And the two of them spend so much time together, it’s not inconceivable that she’s mentioned Gilead. Now Olivia has top security clearance, and she knows that all of you are coming from Gilead, but she doesn’t know who you were there. However, she’s mentioned a boyfriend several times, and it would be good to check on any inconsistencies.”

“Perhaps we were unrealistic in thinking that we could keep your identities completely secret, in an agency of this size, with the level of security that’s required to keep you safe,” Lizette said.

“Not only that, but we can’t stay in a bubble—we have to interact with people to try to have a normal life. It’s bound to happen,” Serena said.

“You’re right, Suzanne. You do have to live a normal life, and people may find out what your identities in Gilead were,” Georges said. But what’s not plausible is that every person that finds out who you really are will run directly to Gilead and tell them. They are not exactly the most popular country on the planet right now—they have very limited support globally.”

“So we’ll break Lucas eventually, and by the end of the day tomorrow, we’ll know whether any of you had a tracker implanted that we didn’t’ know about. “And, if you do, that’s the end of it—we have our answer. If we don’t find it, we’ll need to lean hard on CSIS to complete their investigation. Georges, could you email Olivia’s file to me so I can get it into CSIS’ hands this afternoon?” Jean-Guy asked.

“Certainly,” Georges replied.

“So, let’s talk about Jane for a few minutes,” Serena said. “Her credentials are really impressive. She performed well in her undercover assignment and brought back great intel. But I did get the impression in the short conversation that we had, that she felt like a failure because she hadn’t gotten any really good information in the past two years. She didn’t know what she’d do if she couldn’t go back undercover—she didn’t know how to find her way back to the real world.”

“That might all be true, Suzanne, or it might be the cover story used by a spy who is on a new assignment at the deprogramming facility,” Lizette said.

“She has been investigating Lucas from her computer, and she’s making our job easier. We have computer forensics tearing into all of their electronic devices, including burner phones they both had. This could take a few days, but they’re both going to stay in custody while we thoroughly investigate what they’ve been up to.”

“We have a lot of questions, and a lot of good theories, but we don’t know the answers to anything yet,” Georges responded. “It may well be that Jane was sent her to spy on Lucas, or when she got here, she was given the assignment. I have a hard time believing she would just investigate him because she felt like it.”

“Let’s take a short break, and come back to discuss what our plan is to keep the three of you safe going forward,” Jean-Guy said, asking everyone to come back together in 15 minutes. Lizette, Georges and Jean-Guy were busy sending emails, checking messages and otherwise catching up on their jobs. Serena looked over at June. She looked exhausted and overwhelmed.

“June, how about we find someplace quite for a few minutes?” Serena suggested.

June nodded and the two of them rose from the couch and headed down the hallway and found an empty bedroom. Serena closed the door behind them, and they both gravitated towards the bed. Serena laid on her back and June snuggled into her arms, seeking comfort, if only for a few moments, from all the terrifying information that she was being bombarded with.

Serena gently stroked her, and held her close, wanting to make June feel safe and having no idea how to accomplish that. _It’s going to take a lot more than a hug to make this nightmare go away for her_ , she thought.

“This is normal for you, isn’t it?” June asked.

“Yes, pretty much,” Serena said. “Although for the past decade and a half, I’ve had to face all of this on my own. At least now, we have a team of smart people—trained intelligence officers to gather evidence gathering, perform threat assessments, brainstorm to try to figure out patterns and connections, share information…just another day at the office.”

“Serena, I’ve been a Handmaid for the past several years, and my only job was to get pregnant. My side job was trying to escape. Before that, I was a text-book editor. Dry, boring, solitary work for the most part. Certainly no Secret Squirrel, cloak and dagger type stuff,” June said. “This is all just—a lot.”

“Would it be easier for you if you weren’t in the room with us?” Serena asked. “I thought you would want to know everything, but if it’s too much, you need to say so.”

“Part of wants me to curl up into this bed and go to sleep. But that’s not fair to you. I can’t expect you to continue to make all the decisions about our safety. And I’m not an agent, but if Lucas really has figured out that you were Serena Waterford, and if he’s told Gilead that, we need to move and we need to move now,” June said. “They’re not going to rest until they punish you—punish us. And of course, they want the kids, more than anything else. And I’ll die first before they get either Hannah or Nichole.”

“You’re not wrong, June, but maybe there’s some sort of middle ground. I didn’t get you out of Gilead so you and I could go on the run with 2 kids and always have to look over our shoulders,” Serena said.

“This isn’t your fault. You got us out—that’s—that’s everything, ok?” June said, getting emotional. “And if we have to move around awhile before we find a good hiding spot, then so be it. It’s just—what about Nichole? I want her back and I want her with us, but I hate bringing her into this kind of chaos! What kind of a life is that? On the run, never settling down. Should we do that to her? What if being with us puts her more at risk than if she stays hidden?”

“It’s a lot to think about June. I know. I feel exactly the same way that you do. I want her back, but am I willing to risk her safety just so I can have her with us? It’s hard to say,” Serena said. “And June? When you and Hannah get scanned tomorrow, would you mind having a full medical exam—bloodwork, vaccinations—everything.”

“Ok, but why? Is there something you’re concerned about?” June asked.

“Yes, actually. I’m concerned about how exhausted you are. And maybe it’s just the stress of the years of being in Gilead, and it’s normal to sleep so much. But maybe there’s an underlying medical reason for it—I’d just like to know that you’re ok. Especially since bringing Nichole back to the house means no more sleeping through the night, so your sleep patterns are about to get disrupted once again,” Serena said.

“Yeah, well, I don’t think it’s anything. I know why I’m sleeping all the time,” June said. “Because I’m exhausted and overwhelmed. Until Georges moved in, I barely slept a wink since we got here. Now, my body seems to take every chance it gets to pass out. I only seem to do it when there’s someone safe around like you or Georges or even Olivia, so I don’t have to worry about protecting Hannah.”

“I’m sure you’re right, June, but it’s probably a good idea to have a full physical. Just to have a baseline. Maybe it’s an iron deficiency, or some other vitamin thing. Humor me, please?” Serena said, placing a soft kiss on June’s lips. “And as much as we don’t want to, we need to go back for the last round of the meeting. Where we’ll be talking about these exact topics.”

“All right, Special Agent Prince. Whatever you say,” June said, sitting up on the bed and running her fingers through her messy hair. “By the way, did you find that badge of yours yet?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to keep writing about these two--it's like a moral imperative for me. I hope you are enjoying the ride. I'd love to hear what you think :)


	13. The Dragon Lady Returns

The meeting went on for another 2 hours. All the pros and cons of relocating the Princes were discussed, ad infinitum, until finally, Serena spoke. “Listen, we can go back and forth on this—but we need to know who Lucas is working for, and if he has already communicated with them that he’s found Serena Waterford. If that’s the case, we need to move and fast. But short of giving him truth serum, I don’t know how we’re going to know that for sure.”

“Well…” Lizette said slowly, “that is what we’re doing Suzanne. And apparently, he has started singing like a canary, according to the latest update I had emailed to me from the doctor in attendance.”

“What did he say?” June asked.

“He’s a gun for hire to the highest bidder. There are bounties placed on your heads all over the dark web, so it wasn’t too hard for him to match those pictures with you and make the connection between Serena Waterford and Suzanne Prince. Once he had Suzanne’s name, he found the house through a search of real estate transactions. He went to the house to see what he could find out, but there were too many guards, so he gave up his solo-surveillance,” Jean-Guy explained.

“Where does Jane fit in?” Serena asked.

“She suspected him of being shady, so she reported him to Gretchen White, who immediately ordered his email and phone be tapped, and he was put under surveillance. Jane sort of went on her own and continued to watch him, and hacked into his computer network from her laptop. She’s the one that found all that dark web stuff he was searching. She knew who you were too, Suzanne, and she was trying to protect you. She found out he had a burner phone that he used for his dark web bounty-hunting communications, and told Gretchen about it yesterday. We have the phone in our possession, and were able to download a list of numbers he’s called and numbers that have called the phone. If there’s a connection to be found, we’ll find it,” Jean-Guy said. “Jane is a good agent, with good instincts. We’re lucky she smelled a rat and decided to investigate on her own.”

“What else has Lucas said under the influence of the truth serum?” Serena asked.

“We don’t know anything more yet. We thought we’d go to where he’s being interrogated right after this meeting,” Jean-Guy said. “Would you and Elizabeth like to join us?”

“You can go with them if you want—I need to get home to Hannah,” June said to Serena.

“I’ll go home with you June. You guys will update me later tonight, right?” Serena asked.

“Of course we will, Suzanne,” Jean-Guy said.

“And for what it’s worth,” Lizette said, “I think you all need to get a good night’s rest tonight—Elizabeth and Holly are going to be picked up at 9 am and taken to where we’ll be doing the body scans.”

“Won’t we be going to the hospital?” June asked. “We can get ourselves there.”

“The testing will be done at an off-the-grid facility. We really need to keep all of this confidential, for your safety. The car will pick you up at 9, and you’ll be gone most of the day.”

“Make sure there’s room for 3—I’m coming too,” Serena said.

June wanted to ask why, but then thought better of it. _She can watch Hannah while I’m being scanned, and she can keep me company when it’s Hannah’s turn_ , June thought, actually relieved that there would be another adult there that Hannah trusted.

“We have one more topic to discuss before we adjourn,” Jean-Guy said. “We need to discuss Nichole, and whether now is the right time to have her join the rest of the family, or if we should see how the Lucas situation plays out first, and then make the decision. My concern is that we don’t want to let Gilead get any wind that Nichole is with Suzanne—or Elizabeth for that matter. Baby Nichole is far more valuable than either of you from Gilead’s perspective. You represent their shame—she represents their hope for the future.”

“So I’m going to jump in here and save everyone another hour or two of discussion,” June said. “Suzanne and I have already discussed it, and we’d like to wait until we know how far Lucas got in communicating with Gilead about our location. We can’t bring Nichole close to us if Gilead knows where we are. It’s not safe for her.”

“Lizzie is right,” Serena concurred. “Her safety is the most important thing right now. And we might need to relocate once or twice more while we get them off our tail. But as soon as we’re sure that we’re well hidden, we want her back with us. I know how I feel about being without her, and I can only imagine it’s 10 times worse for Lizzie.”

June reached over and squeezed Serena’s hand, grateful for the support and for the fact that ever since they’d left Gilead, they seemed to be in sync with all major decisions.

“Well, that’s good enough for us,” Jean-Guy said. “I’ll let her caregivers know that she’ll be with them for a bit longer. And with that, I want to thank everyone for your time. We will continue to keep you updated with whatever information Lucas and Jane share with us.”

“Georges, why don’t you go with Jean-Guy to the interrogation. I know you’re dying to see what’s going on,” Serena said. “We can take the car home and I’m sure you can find a ride back to the house. I think we can all agree that it would be best if you continued to stay with us for protection."

“And your excellent companionship,” June said smiling, as Georges handed the car keys over to her.

“The car has GPS, so don’t be afraid to use it,” he said laughing.

“Ha ha. I get lost one time, and you’ll never let me forget it.”

“Elizabeth…your nose just grew an inch. We both know you cannot find your way out of a paper bag,” Georges said.

“Enough, you two,” Serena said, making June flinch. “We’re leaving now. Lizette, we’ll see you tomorrow.” Serena and June left the house and walked towards their car.

Serena held her hand out for June to hand her the car keys, and it remained open and empty. “June? Will you please give me the car keys?,” she said, her tone measured.

“No, Mrs. Waterford. I won’t. You haven’t driven a car in years, and you have no idea what GPS is or how it works,” June said, her face set and determined.

“Hey, was that necessary?” Serena said, snapping back.

“Yes it was. You’re getting that fucking tone that makes me want to piss myself. And it’s been a day, and I’m not in the mood for it,” June said, stopping for a moment to face Serena before opening the car door. “Look, I’m sure you didn’t mean it, but it appears that something flipped your switch and you’re behaving like her. So knock it off.”

Serena was about to say something, then thought better of it, reaching into her purse for her pack of cigarettes.

“For Christ’s sake, can you wait until we’re get home to smoke, please? There’s no need to make the car smell like an ashtray just because you’re having a tantrum. And I’m sorry, I’m not turning into meek little Offred, placating Mrs. Waterford and cajoling her into a better mood. I just don’t fucking feel like it right now,” June said, opening the car door, and getting behind the wheel and slamming the door shut.

Serena stood outside the car for a minute, trying to calm her raging temper. She was so angry, and she wanted—no, she needed—to be in control, and June was having none of it. She counted to ten, then twenty, then thirty, as June turned the engine on, and rolled the passenger window down.

“Stop being a fucking baby and get in the car. I’m tired, I’m scared, and I don’t want to fight with you about stupid shit. Just sit in the car and try to calm yourself down. This is going to happen to us –often, I’d say, since you haven’t been out of the hospital for 12 hours yet and you’re already channeling Mrs. Cunt Waterford. For fuck’s sake Serena! I don’t even know what the hell set you off. Are you angry that Gilead has probably found us and we aren’t safe? Were you angry and Georges and I were teasing each other? That I’d made a friend? That he’d made a friend? That you aren’t the center of attention? You’re going to have to learn to dial back your anger and calm yourself, and I’m not going to be the one to placate you all the time. You have to take responsibility when you act like an entitled asshole,” June said.

Serena got in the car, rolled the window up, and fastened her seat belt, keeping her focus directly on the wind shield and what was directly in front of her. She didn’t dare say anything to June—she was afraid of what might come out of her mouth—then of course, she couldn’t resist at least one jab.

“So Saint June is always right—is that what my new mantra is? No matter what I’m angry about, I’m not allowed, because it’s childish and not valid and when I get angry it’s too much like Mrs. Waterford for your taste,” Serena spat.

“Serena, stop. Just stop,” June said, setting the GPS to take them “home”. “Hit the car door or something—do something to dissipate the rage that’s coming off you in waves that I can actually feel. I’m not fucking afraid of you, but I am afraid of what you might do and how I might react. So be fucking careful, or this fairy tale we’re trying to piece together is going to come crashing down like wet cardboard in a rainstorm.”

“Fine,” Serena said. “I won’t say another word. Just drive, please.”

June had pushed Serena about as far as she felt she could, so she also chose to be silent for the rest of the car ride. She knew she should cut Serena some slack, but god-damn it! It was bad enough that Gilead had probably tracked them to their house and they were going to have to escape in the dead of night and hide in some hovel for who knows how long. She’d be damned if she’d have to endure that AND Mrs. Waterford. _Fuck no. She will control her temper, or she there will be consequences. Even Hannah knows that_ , June thought.


	14. Wrestling the demon

After what seemed like a really long car ride, June pulled the car into the driveway and put the gear into park. Serena immediately got out of the car and started walking away from the house.

“Serena! Where are you going?” June asked.

“Away from here—I need some time to myself,” Serena said, continuing to walk away.

“Stop!” June yelled, and surprising both of them, she stopped and turned around and stared at June.

“I get it—you need to cool off, and that’s great and fine. But Georges always checks the house and the grounds out for me, and he’s not here. So before you leave, can you make sure the house is safe and there’s no one prowling outside?” June asked, hating how needy and pathetic she sounded.

June’s request was certainly reasonable, and Serena felt guilty that she’d let her anger steer her away from what was most important—making sure her family was safe. She was indulging herself in this rage-fest and putting them all in danger.

“Of course. I’m sorry I didn’t think of it myself, June. Let’s check the house first, ok? Do you want to wait out here or come with me?” Serena asked, slipping into agent mode.

“I’ll go with you. Hannah and Olivia are in there unless they’ve gone to the park, so it’s probably fine—I’m just being paranoid.”

The entered the house and while June waited into the hallway by the front door, Serena checked the first floor thoroughly, then went into the basement, and finally, the top floor. Serena called out “all clear” as she walked downstairs, and June released the breath she was holding.

“Thanks for checking Serena. You can go for your walk now, or if you want, take the car keys and go for a ride. Just be careful, ok?”

“I’m going to check the grounds, and talk with the guards and make sure nothing happened while we’ve been gone. I didn’t see Olivia and Hannah, so they must still be at the park,” Serena said. “And, I think I’m just going to stick around here. You can’t be left unprotected in this house, and It’s not safe for me with this face to be walking around when we don’t know what Lucas has told Gilead yet. I guess I’ll just have to figure out a way to work through my feelings without leaving the house, or taking shit out on you.”

“Can I go with you while you check the property? I…I’d rather not be alone in the house,” June said, looking embarrassed.

Serena let out a long breath, trying to force some of the anger to leave her body. “Sure—come on,” Serena said, wanting to hold her hand out to June but not able to get past her anger. Serena Waterford just wanted to nurse a solid resentment that would go at least all night and perhaps involve drinking half a bottle of vodka, smoking endless cigarettes, and spewing vitriol at anyone stupid enough to annoy her. But that would have to wait until Suzanne Prince made sure everyone was safe.

They fell into step together, walking around the very large backyard, with really nice landscaping, and not a lot of places for Gilead spies to hide. Serena was thorough, and after she was satisfied that nothing seemed out of the ordinary, she took her cell phone out and hit one of the presets. “Hi, this is Special Agent Prince. I’ve just done a check of the interior and exterior of the property, and I wanted to make sure that nothing happened since we left this morning that I need to be concerned about.” Serena listened as the guard gave a brief report about the hourly checks, and the cameras surveilling the house and the grounds. Satisfied, she thanked the guard and disconnected the call.

“All is well, June,” Serena said, starting to walk back towards the house.

 _Interesting choice of words_ June thought, before calling out to her. “Serena, wait—do you want to sit out here with me on the bench for a little while? I promise we don’t have to talk.”

Serena’s first inclination was to order June to go to her room, which was a very, very bad sign and not something that was done in Halifax. She wasn’t sure what set her off on this rage-binge, but one thing she did know was that she didn’t want to lash out at June and do any more damage.

“June, I’m going to be as honest as I can be with you right now. I don’t want to sit out here with you, simply for the reason that I’m really, really angry, and I’m trying to reign it in, and I’m not being successful. I’m a bit trapped in the Mrs. Waterford anger/bitterness loop, and whatever tripped it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I don’t want to lash out, or say anything mean to you, so I think it’s better if I just go inside, and maybe write in my journal or go run on the treadmill in the basement or something,” Serena said. 

“Ok. I understand. And thank you for explaining it to me calmly, and taking responsibility for your own feelings and actions. I’ll leave you to take care of yourself. I’m just going to go see what I can rustle up for dinner.”

“Thanks June. I’m not sure I’ll be up for dinner,” Serena said.

“Serena, don’t let Mrs. Waterford win tonight—don’t let her rob us of what could be a really sweet welcome home reunion. Hannah has been asking me every day when you were going to come home. She misses you. You’re part of our family. So if you can, please come downstairs for dinner, ok?”

“I’ll try June—I really will. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a monster to put back in her cage,” Serena said as they both walked back into the house.

June went into the kitchen, and Serena headed upstairs to the room that they’d designated as the office. She’d dropped her bag off there when she got home, not really sure what the sleeping arrangements were. She didn’t want to assume that she and June would share a bed, and she didn’t know where Georges was sleeping, so the office was the safest spot. She hadn’t been there long enough to feel at home. She’d only been in the house less than 24 hours before she got deathly ill from anthrax poisoning, courtesy of Fred Waterford and Gilead, and after that, she spent the next month in the hospital. This was really her first full day living in the house.

She pulled out her journal from the side pocket of her bag and set it on the desk, then took her cigarettes out of her purse and went out onto the balcony to smoke. She still had her jacket on, so it was comfortable outside, although the temperature was starting to drop. As she inhaled her first cigarette of the day, she felt a calmness wash over her. It was actually a good thing that June asked her to do the security check. It made her head stop spinning and returned her to who she really was--Special Agent Suzanne Prince. But now that she’d done her job, and the house was safe, she was left with all that impotent rage and anger that Serena had been swallowing towards the end of the security meeting, and the car ride home.

She finished her cigarette and went back into the office and closed the door. She could hear voices downstairs and she assumed Hannah and Olivia were back home. She opened her journal and started writing.

_I’m not in the house for a whole day yet, and I’ve already managed to have a fight with June. Actually, I managed to hold my tongue for the most part, but June got just a whiff of Mrs. Waterford coming off me and she let me have it. I know I deserve her anger and rage, and I’m shocked there hasn’t been more of it. But then again this is just the first day. I guess I thought June could cut me a break long enough for me to catch my breath, but that was apparently too much to hope for. I thought she was finally starting to see me—the real me. Doesn’t she get that there’s a lot of me in Mrs. Waterford? Of course she doesn’t because she didn’t know me before. But she can ask any of my friends—they’ll all tell her—I’m a fucking cunt when things are not done to my liking. I’m a perfectionist, and I have a temper that can be triggered with just a word or a gesture. And I made those glaring character defects of mine part of Mrs. Waterford’s persona. And I got to stomp around in my teal heals and run all over everyone any time I felt like it—I never had to reign myself in until I left Gilead._

_June’s never been a shrinking violet, and now that we’re free, she doesn’t have to take my shit at all. And if she wants to call me a cunt, or accuse me of being childish and selfish, or any other rancid thing she wants to, she can absolutely do that. And I’m supposed to shut my mouth and take it. Because no matter what I do, no matter how much I sacrifice for her, it will never make up for what Gilead stole from her. What I did to her. And it was my choice to get June and her daughter out because I cared about her. She doesn’t owe me a fucking thing._

_But I don’t know if I can always control my mouth. Like today—I couldn’t get in touch with myself at all—it was like my body and mouth were taken over by Mrs. Waterford. If June hadn’t insisted that I do the security check, I’d probably be stomping along the waterfront kicking trash cans over and screaming into the wind until my throat was raw. But why? Why do I feel that way? What set those feelings off? It was so fast, and maybe it wasn’t anything and it would have dissipated quickly. But the way June jumped all over me, it made it so much worse. All I saw was red and I heard a whooshing sound in my ears._

Tired of thinking about her feelings, Serena closed her journal, and went out onto the balcony for another cigarette. There were distinctly yummy cooking smells coming from the downstairs, and as she leaned against the railing on the balcony, she tried to talk herself into going downstairs for dinner. _With my family_ , she thought. _June’s right. I shouldn’t let Mrs. Waterford win—at least not tonight. I deserve to have a normal evening with my family that doesn’t involve being poisoned. Besides, depending on the information we get from John Lucas and Jane, we might not be here much longer, which would be a real shame. This is a great house, and it’s giving Hannah and June some stability. But we need to be safe too._ Serena finished her cigarette and went inside to wash the smell of smoke off of her hands and face, and went downstairs feeling a bit sheepish, but fairly confident in her ability to keep Mrs. Waterford in check—at least if June didn’t come after her hard. _I can’t control June. I can only control myself. Fuck why is this so hard?_


	15. Family dinner

When Serena got downstairs, Hannah was setting the table for three, and June was busy stirring something in a saucepan. “Need any help, June?” she asked.

“Sure. Why don’t you pick out a bottle of wine and pour us a couple of glasses?” June suggested.

“White or red?”

“White—I’m making shrimp.”

“Really? I don’t know when the last time I had shrimp. It smells really good,” Serena said, as she went over to the wine refrigerator and took out a bottle and opened it, allowing it to breath for a few minutes before pouring it into glasses.

“Hey, would you mind reaching up into that cabinet over there and getting a serving platter and two bowls, please?” June asked “I am vertically challenged, so you’ll be doing that a lot, I’m afraid.”

Serena got the dishes down for June and placed them on the kitchen island behind her. “Anything else I can do for you?”

“Nope, unless you want to keep me company. This will be done in five minutes.”

“Sure—hey, is Georges going to be home for dinner?” Serena asked.

“No, he’s going out for dinner with some friends. I think he wants to give us some alone time,” June said. “He’s such a romantic at heart.”

 _It’s an expression—it’s just an expression. She’s not romantically interested in Georges, and there is nothing going on between the two of them,_ Serena told herself. _You’re just fucking nuts. Even if you don’t feel like you can trust June, you sure as hell know you can trust Georges—he would rather die than hurt you. This is not you, and these are not your feelings and thoughts. This is Mrs. Waterford, through and through._

“Serena, what just happened? Why do you have that look on your face?”

“I’m just going to check around outside really quick before we sit down, ok? I think I heard something.”

“Oh, ok sure. Will you be ok by yourself? Do you want to call one of the guards instead?” June asked, worried.

“It’ll just be a few minutes, I promise,” Serena said as she grabbed a jacked out of the closet and went out the front door and took several long, deep breaths. _Get it together! You cannot over-react every time she talks about interacting with another human being. This is all very much NOT like you, but it is JUST like your nemesis._ Serena made herself walk the perimeter of the property just to be able to say that everything checked out fine, and went back into the house just as June was carrying out the serving platter to the table.

“Everything ok?” June asked.

“Yes—everything is fine. I’m just being over-protective.”

“Well, I appreciate it. Thank you for taking such good care of us,” June said, genuinely grateful. Serena blushed, not knowing how to take the compliment. “Come on—sit down. Hannah, did you wash your hands?”

“Yes mommy,” Hannah said as she climbed into her chair.

The three of them sat at the table and June and Hannah fell into an easy rhythm, June filling Hannah’s plate and passing dishes to Serena. Meanwhile, Serena felt like a guest in her own house and out of place. _It will be fine. It’s dinner. We’ll be done eating in 20 minutes and then I can go run 10 miles on the treadmill until I’m so exhausted my brain will shut off and I won’t be thinking and feeling like her anymore,_ she told herself.

She took a small portion of the honey-garlic shrimp, and added rice and snap peas. The food was delicious, which meant they could all quietly enjoy their food and not get into any skirmishes at the table. Hannah was filling Serena and June in on her lessons, and going to play at the park with Olivia, and the new friend she’d made.

“Tell us more about your new friend—what’s their name?” Serena asked.

“His name is Johnny. I saw him and his father at the park last week. I noticed them because they were staring at me and Olivia a lot. His father wasn’t there today—he was there with another man who was on the phone the whole time. He was kind of weird but me and Johnny played on the swings for a while. He wanted to play hide and seek, but Olivia said no and took me home,” Hannah said.

Serena’s spidey-sense was going crazy, but she used her excellent training to keep her face from betraying her emotions. She pulled as much information as she could out of Hannah about the weird men in the park without inciting a panic in either Hannah or June, and continued to eat her dinner as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Although the food tasted delicious, fear started to creep up into Serena’s belly and made eating all but impossible. She played around with her food a little, and took a few sips of wine, while June and Hannah polished off the rest of the dinner. June saw how little Serena had eaten, but chose to say nothing, deciding to be grateful that Serena got over herself enough to have dinner with her and Hannah tonight.

“I’ll take care of clean up, tonight Serena—why don’t you go relax?” June suggested. Serena debated whether she should share her concerns with June.

“Thanks June. It really was delicious. I’m sorry my stomach is being weird.”

“I didn’t take it personally. I know you’re still recovering and it will take some time,” June said, shuttling back and forth between the table and the kitchen clearing their plates.

“I have to make some phone calls, so I’m going to go in the office. I need to check on the interrogation, and I want to talk to Olivia about those “friends” at the park Hannah was talking about.

June stopped what she was doing and looked at Serena, fear written all over her face. “What are you talking about?”

“We have to listen carefully to what Hannah says. She’s observant, but doesn’t know what is going on here, so she can’t connect the dots—we have to do it for her. Most likely, they are agents who are watching Hannah from a distance, but if they are, they’re doing a shitty job. I don’t know what happened to the quality and caliber of the agents they’re hiring these days, but standards have certainly slipped since I’ve been undercover. Anyway, don’t worry June. I just want to check this out.”

“You’ll tell me what you find out?” June asked.

“Right away,” Serena said, heading upstairs. She went into the office and shut the door behind her, and dialed Jean-Guy, who picked up immediately.

“What’s going on with John Lucas and Jane?” Serena asked.

“Well, Jane gets the MVP award, for sure. She’s a superb hacker, and she had her eye on Lucas from the moment she met him. She was able to monitor his computer access and his electronic communications. It turns out, he wasn’t working with anyone from Gilead. He was working with someone from the United States. I guess they want you pretty badly,” Jean-Guy explained.

“Because they don’t know I was undercover, and they want to try me for war crimes,” Serena said, all of the pieces finally clicking into place for her.

“Maybe. Or maybe they just want information from you on how Gilead operates,” Jean-Guy said.

“If that were the case, would they have gone through the dark web and put out a finder’s fee?” Serena asked.

“Possibly—if finding you was that important for them.”

“So what has Lucas told the Americans?”

“Actually, that’s where our MVP comes into play,” Jean-Guy said. “She started routing Lucas’ messages that he thought he was sending to the Americans to her own computer. Then she pretended to be Lucas and told the Americans that Halifax was a dead end—that Serena Joy Waterford was nowhere near Halifax—it had been a case of mistaken identity. And she gave them enough ‘evidence’ that they’ve stopped communicating with Lucas, so it’s very likely her ploy has worked.”

“And Lucas?”

“He’s been arrested for treason, attempted murder and attempted kidnapping, and anything else we can charge him with. He’s never going to see the outside of a prison cell.”

“That’s great, Jean-Guy. Now tell me how far along the CSIS investigations have gone,” Serena asked.

“They just started really—we’ll get daily updates, since this is so time-sensitive. What are you most concerned about?” Jean-Guy asked.

Serena filled him in on what Hannah had said at the dinner table. “Were those our agents?” Serena asked.

“I think one of them is—we have an agent who brings his son with him when he’s on duty watching Hannah at the park. We thought it would be a good way to introduce a trust-worthy friend to Hannah, and it seems that she and Johnny have hit it off,” Jean-Guy explained.

“What about the shady guy with the telephone?” Serena asked.

“I have no idea who that was, but Agent Holstead was there at all times, as well as Olivia, so Hannah was never in any danger. She may be hyper-vigilant from the trauma she experienced in Gilead,” Jean-Guy said.

“I want the background investigations on everyone who knows who we really are to continue. We need to understand any potential threat we face. Also, I know you’ve all tried to protect me from these sorts of details, but I’m out of the hospital now. I want to be completely apprised of all things security-related when it comes to this family—understood?” Serena said.

“Certainly, Serena. Georges will give you an update every single day, and more often if you like.”

“All right—that will be fine. Tomorrow we’ll be at the hospital getting Elizabeth and Holly scanned, and I want them both to have complete physicals, so we’ll be gone most of the day. I’ll check in with you at some point,” Serena said as she ended the call.


	16. Green eyed monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you love reading this story as much as I love writing it.

With every passing moment she spent on the phone with Jean-Guy, Serena felt more like ‘herself’. She was Special Agent Prince, doing her job the way she’d been trained to do. _It seems hard for Mrs. Waterford to get a toe-hold into my personality when I’m in full-on agent mode,_ she thought. Seizing the moment, she left the office and went to find June, who was in the middle of tucking Hannah into bed. Serena went into Hannah’s room and gave the little girl a hug and a kiss goodnight, as she pulled the covers closer to her chin and made her giggle. She took June’s hand and they went downstairs so Serena could fill June in on the latest. June opened a bottle of wine and poured them both a glass and brought it over to the couch and Serena gave her the good news.

“So that’s it,” June said, taking a sip of wine. “No more danger? Gilead doesn’t want us but the Americans do?”

“For now, that’s it. The Lucas loop seems to be closed. That’s not to say there won’t be others, but at least we know that threat has been mitigated. You and Hannah still need to be scanned and have a medical exam tomorrow. I’d rather we start being more proactive about protecting ourselves, than relying on being reactive,” Serena explained.

“I’d like to thank Jane—she sounds like a pretty kick ass agent,” June said. “How does she know you?”

“Other than the fact that we were in the outpatient program together, I don’t believe we do know each other. We had one very short conversation over a cigarette. And we had one group therapy session before Lucas got suspended. That’s it.”

“Hmmm.”

“What? Say what you want to say,” Serena insisted.

“Why would she do all of that to protect you? She doesn’t even know you."

“People gossip—nurses, orderlies, patients. My re-emergence into regular society has made me something of a celebrity among the intelligence community. Not everyone knows the particulars, but they do know that I lasted 16 years undercover without being compromised and came out on my own two feet, after having given reliable, valuable information back to the Agency. So everyone knows who I am. That and the fact that we’re trained to sniff out danger and protect our fellow agents with our very lives,” Serena explained.

“That seems plausible. So you and Jane weren’t playing nurse and patient with each other under the covers after lights went out?” June asked, her face completely serious.

Serena looked at her for a long minute, trying to figure out where she was going with this statement.

“No June. I didn’t spend any time with Jane at all, except what I’ve already told you. One cigarette, and one group therapy session,” Serena explained.

“And I’m supposed to take your word for it?” June asked.

“June, what are you doing? You’re looking for trouble where nothing exists. I’m not some sex-crazed maniac so starved for attention that I have to seduce another patient—particularly since I’m sort of in a relationship—I mean, I think I’m in a relationship—with you. We are in one, aren’t we?” Serena asked, suddenly scared and unsure.

June put her glass of wine down on the coffee table, moved closer to Serena’s body on the couch, and took her hand and intertwined their fingers. “You think I’m talking crazy, don’t you? You are wondering what on earth you’ve ever done to make me think for one second, you would ever have sexual or romantic intentions towards someone else. You’re wondering why I don’t know with all of my heart how much you care for me and how serious this is for you?”

“Pretty much—that’s a good summary,” Serena said, thoroughly confused.

“So now you know how I felt when you lost your mind after you heard me and George bantering back and forth with each other. You probably thought it sounded too familiar and too flirty, when in reality, he and I have a very clear brother/sister vibe going on. Isn’t that why you went all Mrs. Waterford on me when we were getting ready to leave the meeting?” June asked.

“I hadn’t been able to figure out what happened there, but that sounds pretty plausible,” Serena admitted. “And once she took the reins out of my hands, all I could do was hold on and wait for the opportunity to grab them back from her.”

“Serena, please tell me—what are you afraid of?”

“June, do we have to do this now?” Serena asked, almost whining. “It’s been a long day, I’ve been wrestling with old-lady Waterford for a good portion of it, and all I do is talk about my feelings.”

“Serena, listen to me. The quicker we take care of this, the less likely it will be to crop up later, ok?” June said. “Just tell me—what are you afraid of?”

“Fine. I’m afraid you would prefer to be with a man than with me. I’m afraid that you’ll lose patience with me and my temper and split personality and want to be with someone more normal and I’m afraid that you feel trapped here with no options. Basically, I’m afraid you’re going to leave me at the slightest provocation,” Serena admitted. “I feel like I’m on eggshells, and that I don’t belong. And when I start to feel that way, it sometimes flips the switch and I start stomping on the eggshells instead of approaching them carefully.”

“There. Was that so hard?” June asked.

“Admitting that I’m pathetic and weak? Yes.” The two women sat together silently for a few minutes. “So…aren’t you going to tell me that I’m wrong, and you would never possibly do that, or how could I think for one moment…anything like that?” Serena asked.

“These are your fears and jealousies, Serena. They have no basis in reality, and nothing that I’ve done or said should have made a reasonable person feel jealous in any way. And the truth is, I can reassure you until I’m blue in the face, and it won’t matter. Trust isn’t born in a day, but I think you and I have already gone to great lengths to learn to trust each other,” June said. “I could tell you that I only have eyes for you, but would you believe it? Not when you’re feeling insecure. What I’d like you to consider, is that every time you get jealous, you are telling me, “I don’t trust you.” And that sort of messaging, if it goes on too long and too loudly, is pretty deadly to a relationship. Like the one you and I are definitely having.”

“How do you know so much about this?”

“Because I was ridiculously jealous in high school and college. I was very mistrustful of my boyfriends, and whenever they even looked at another woman, I threw a hissy fit.”

“What changed you?” Serena asked.

“There was someone I cared for a lot—and he cared for me too. And when I pulled my inevitable jealousy act on him, he looked so hurt, so devastated. He said that if that’s how little he thought of me, then he was going to let me go so I could find someone who loved me enough so that I would never have any doubts.”

“Wow. Smart man,” Serena said.

“It cured me—permanently. And I lost a good man. But at least I’m here, with someone who I have absolutely no doubts about, to show you that there is a better way to be happy, and it doesn’t involve the jealousy,” June said, leaning her body in to wrap her arms around Serena and lay against her chest. “Don’t you get it? I’m a one-woman-woman, and you’re mine and I’m yours. So please, do not ever think for one second that I am not trustworthy. Because that would hurt me very badly, and it will hurt what we’re trying to build here.”

Serena wrapped her arms around June and held her tightly. “Thank you, June. Thank you for showing me what I was doing instead of just screaming at me, because then I can’t hear you so well when you’re yelling at me.”

“That was my mistake this afternoon, and I apologize. I rode you hard, and that was wrong. You just got out of the fucking hospital—I could have cut you a break,” June said.

“I had thought that myself, but then again, I owe you a debt I’ll never be able to repay—I can never make right what happened to you in Gilead,” Serena said.

“I’d say you’re doing a pretty decent job trying, Serena.” June said. “You got me and my daughter out, we’re safe and well-protected, and you take really good care of us. I already told you, I’m not going to keep punishing you—but I’m not perfect, and today I slipped. Will you forgive me?” June asked.

“Yes, if you’ll forgive me,” Serena said.

“Done. Now, would you like to go upstairs with me? We can bring the rest of the wine and see if maybe we can make this day end as awesomely as it began,” June said.

“Oh,” Serena said, a smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. “Do you have something special in mind?”

“Come on, Special Agent Prince. I’m feeling a little naughty—you should probably frisk me.”


	17. June learns a new trick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some sex because--well, it's been long enough and it's how they communicate.

Neither June nor Serena were in the mood to wait. As soon as the bedroom door was closed, Serena pushed June’s body up against it, pressing her body tightly against hers, while she took both of June’s arms and held them over her head. Serena ghosted her lips over June’s— her breath hot and her body inflamed. “Don’t move unless I tell you to,” Serena ordered, as her hands unfastened June’s pants and pushed them below her hips, and down to her feet. She ran her hand over June’s panties, and massaged her clit through the flimsy cloth. June moaned, and found it incredibly hard to stay still. Her hips wanted to chase Serena’s hand, but for the time being, she was content to play along. _This whole restraint of movement thing is starting to grow on me,_ she thought.

Without warning, Serena’s lips took possession of June’s and gave her a toe-tingling, panty-soaking kiss that she just might remember until the day she died. Serena’s tongue stroked through June’s mouth, exploring and caressing every crevice, while they swallowed each other’s moans. Her hand was still teasing June through her panties, driving her insane, until—just when she was going to lose it, Serena grabbed the fabric and tore the panties right off of June’s hips, letting them fall to the floor in shreds. She stepped on June’s jeans that were on the floor and whispered into June’s ear, her breath ragged and hot, “Get one of your legs free so I can fuck you.” June pulled her leg out, and, wasting no time, Serena grabbed June’s thigh and held it against her hip, while her other hand plunged three fingers inside her, pinning her ass against the door with the force of her thrusts. Serena fucked her hard, slamming into her body, and it was all June could do not to move. She was so fucking turned on—all of her focus was on the pounding her pussy was receiving. She wanted other things—she always wanted other things. She wanted Serena’s mouth on her tits and her pussy, but she didn’t want to do anything that would stop Serena from fucking her… just. like. this.

Serena changed her angle slightly and slid a fourth finger in, filling June’s pussy and pushing past her limits, making her whimper. June’s legs were turning into jelly, and she didn’t know how much longer she could keep herself upright, but she wasn’t about to ask Serena for any sort of accommodation. She needn’t have worried, because Serena had memorized every single one of June’s tells. She abruptly pulled her hand out of June, and stepped away from the door, causing her to cry out in frustration.

“Come on,” Serena said as she took her hand and led her to the bed where she had June lay on her back. June asked if she could take her shirt off and Serena agreed, while she stripped her own shirt off and tossed it on the floor, leaving her still dressed in jeans and a lacy black bra. She leaned over to get something out of the nightstand.

“What’s that?” June asked.

“Something to make you more comfortable while I fuck you some more,” Serena said as she poured a liberal amount of lube into her hand, coating it thoroughly, then adding more lube to June’s slit. Serena knelt on the bed, straddled one of June’s legs, and placed her hand right at June’s entrance, sliding three, then four fingers inside June, who let out an appreciative moan. Serena thrust her fingers in and out a few times, then asked “do you want more?”

“Please, fuck…yes!” June replied, desperate to be filled with Serena’s entire hand. Serena slipped the tip of her thumb inside June and narrowed her hand to get past June’s entrance. “Relax your muscles and I promise you’ll feel very good, very soon,” Serena said, coaxing June to allow her fist inside of her.

“I can’t—I don’t know how,” June said, sounding desperate and frustrated.

“Shhhh, baby, I’m here and I’ve got you,” Serena said. “Take a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds—then when you let it out, release all of your muscles—especially the ones I need you to release.”

June did as she was instructed and was surprised that while she was mid-exhale, she felt Serena slip her entire hand inside of her. The pressure was tremendous, and the feeling euphoric. Serena kept her fist still, while June adjusted to the size and the pressure. “Can we suspend the whole you ordering me around thing for the moment?” June asked. “I feel like I need to be able to move around however I need to because this is the most amazing fucking feeling I’ve ever had and I don’t want to miss out on anything.”

“Of course. I want you to love this,” Serena said, leaning down to take June’s lips into a slow, sensual kiss that helped her relax even more. She slid her mouth down to take one of June’s nipples in her mouth and gently sucked on it. There was enough happening between June’s legs—she didn’t really need a ton of additional stimulation. She gently and slowly twisted her hand—very slightly, causing June to gasp. “Was that too much?” Serena asked, concerned.

“I liked it—it’s just super intense,” June replied. “I don’t suppose you could lick my clit while your fist is inside me?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” Serena said, sliding her body down to better position herself. She kept her arm still, and gently licked June’s clit, afraid to overwhelm June by being too forceful.

“That’s really nice, Serena—keep doing that and try moving your fist around a little again—just a little.”

Instead of twisting her fist, she pushed it just bit deeper, to put more pressure on June’s G-spot. “Oh my fucking god, that’s amazing—keep doing that!” June cried out.

“Shhhh…we can’t wake everyone up, or our little party will be ruined,” Serena cautioned, and June grabbed a pillow and kept it at the ready in case she needed to muffle a scream. Serena continued her gentle thrusts, deep inside June’s pussy, while her tongue became a bit more adventurous and sucked June’s clit into her mouth and rolled her tongue over the tip. Serena was so turned on—touching June always did that to her, but this was multiplied by 10. She watched June’s face and wished she could experience whatever it was that she was experiencing, because it looked pretty amazing.

“I’m going to need to come pretty soon or else I’m afraid I might die,” June said, completely serious. “Can you make that happen?”

“Uh huh” Serena said, her voice muffled because her mouth was busy sucking June’s clit while her fist moved slightly faster inside her. “Oh god, that’s it—don’t stop—that’s perfect,” June cried, as she clutched the pillow, ready to clamp it over her mouth as soon as she was certain she was going to come. It took only a few more minutes of Serena’s focused efforts, until June’s legs started to shake uncontrollably, and her back arched, “Baby, yes—now—please!” she cried. June’s vision completely whited-out, and her heart felt like it was going to burst out of her chest. Serena kept her fist still inside June, while she cradled her in her arms as she rode out the long, pleasurable waves of her climax.

When June’s body was finally still, and she let out a long, slow breath, Serena asked her to help push her fist out. When her hand was finally released, she wiped it on the leg of her jeans and wrapped her arms around June, holding her as close as she could.

“Did anyone get the number of that truck that just ran over me,” she joked weakly.

“Let me get you some water. I’ll be right back.”

“No,” June said, clinging to Serena. “Don’t leave me yet. I feel super vulnerable right now.”

“All right,” Serena said. “That’s totally normal. What we just did takes a ton of trust and is one of the most intimate things we can do with each other.”

“You and your sex tricks are going to be the death of me—I swear. Remember—inexperienced, junior lesbian here! For fuck’s sake, I didn’t even know fisting was a thing until just now.”

“I’ll get you a copy of the manual so you’ll be better prepared for the next sex trick,” Serena said, smiling.

“Wait, there’s more?” June asked.

“I’m sure I can pull a few more tricks out of my bag. And who knows—maybe you’ll come up with one or two of your own.”

“For your sake, I hope so—I don’t want to be the boring one in bed. That just wouldn’t sit right with me,” June said.

“As long as you keep using your tongue on me like you do, you’ll never be boring to me. In fact, I find you wildly entertaining.”

June smiled and sat up to kiss Serena on the cheek. “I’ll be right back—don’t go anywhere,” June said, walking into the bathroom and closed the door. Serena laid back in bed and couldn’t stop smiling. The long sex-drought she’d experienced in Gilead was clearly over, and she was feeling very happy about that. She unbuttoned her jeans, and slid her hand down inside her panties, where she was met with a ridiculous amount of wetness. She was too fucking turned on to wait, and besides, June was probably too wrecked for anything more, so she might as well take care of herself. She slid her jeans and panties off and threw them on the floor, and unclasped her bra. She roughly shoved three fingers inside herself, while she used her other hand to rub her clit—hard and fast. Her eyes were shut, and she threw her head back as she felt herself starting to come. All of a sudden, she felt June’s lips sucking her nipple, and her hand adding pressure to her own. June moaned as loud as she thought she could get away with, and it was enough to send Serena free-falling into oblivion, as she held her fingers deep inside herself and continued rubbing her clit to draw out her pleasure as long as possible. She slid her fingers out and June grabbed her hand and sucked and licked every bit of sticky sweetness off of her hand, moaning in contentment.

“Now who’s greedy?” Serena said smiling, her body feeling relaxed, and her mind at peace. June reached down and pulled the covers over their bodies, and they held each other close.

“That was really fucking hot, by the way,” June said.

“Which part? The fisting, or watching me fuck myself?”

“All of the above, but I was referring to watching you. Damn—I look at you now and wonder how the hell I kept my hands off of you for so long in Gilead.”

“So you have a kink for sadists wearing heels?” Serena said smirking. “We were both different people, and we had our roles. And staying in our roles kept us alive, but I think if we’d stayed much longer, we would have gotten caught.”

“You’re probably right. You were awfully loud when you came. A couple of times I thought for sure the guards were going to storm in,” June said.

“We remember things differently, but as I recall, we both made our share of sex noises.“

“Touche. What time do we have to get up tomorrow?” June asked.

“Whenever you want—but we have to be there by 9.”

“Fine—can you set an alarm for 7?” June asked.

“Already done—and you won’t be able to eat or drink anything before you go except water or black coffee—they need a fasting blood draw,” Serena explained.

“Got it—any further instructions before we pass out and have sweet dreams? Although I reserve the right to wake you up in the middle of the night for sex if I happen to be aroused,” June said.

“Bossy and saucy—a truly irresistible combination,” Serena said, turning over so June could hold her.

“Hey—I’m the little spoon!” June said with mock outrage.

“Relax. It’s not forever, and for the record, I think we should take turns. And, since this is my first night home, I would very much like it if you held me while I fall asleep,” Serena said, pulling June’s arms around her. “Good night Lizzie.”

“Good night Suzanne. Sweet dreams.”


	18. The first real date

Serena, June and Hannah spent a long, boring day at a state-of-the-art medical facility operated by the Agency. June and Hannah were being shuttled from one scan to another, the only saving grace being that they never had to wait long for the equipment. Serena kept an eye on Hannah while June was being scanned, and when it was Hannah’s turn, she helped to calm June’s nerves. “I really, really hope they don’t find anything, because if they find us again, I…”

“Shhh…please don’t,” Serena said, trying to calm June. “Let’s just run the tests and see if there’s anything to be concerned about.”

Hannah was handling all of the testing surprisingly well. June had explained why they had to have all these body scans, and Hannah was more than happy to cooperate. Gilead had robbed her of a normal childhood, and now that she was finally free, she never wanted to be taken back there.

The testing was complete by the early afternoon, and Lizette met with June and Serena to discuss the findings. Georges had already picked Hannah up as soon as her tests were done and was taking her to the park for the afternoon.

“I’m pleased to report that there are no scanners hidden anywhere in either you or Holly,” Lizette said.

June let out a breath she didn’t even realize she was holding. “That’s great news, right?”

“It’s very good news,” Lizette confirmed. “I do want to discuss something that we found when we reviewed the MRI scan. You have a fibroid tumor growing in your uterus. It’s about 3 centimeters in diameter, so it’s large enough to be causing you discomfort when you menstruate. This is nothing to panic about. Fibroids are generally non-cancerous, and they often resolve on their own. But I’d like to send you to an Ob/Gyn for a consultation. You can discuss any symptoms you might be having, and he or she will have you in regularly to monitor the growth. If it gets larger, the recommendation may be to remove it surgically, but we are a long way from that.”

“Thanks for letting me know, Lizette. My periods after giving birth to Nichole have been on the rough side, so I’m glad to know that there’s a non-terrifying reason as to why,” June said.

“Did you find anything else?” Serena asked.

“No, nothing stood out on the scans, but the lab tests will take a few days. These test results will stay in your files and should you ever need any testing later on in your lives, we’ll have a baseline to compare them with.”

“Great! Is there anything else?” June asked.

“Yes there is. I want to discuss how best to handle your ongoing psychological counseling now that Suzanne is no longer in the inpatient program. I assume you both would like to continue individual and couples counseling?”

“Yes,” June said quickly, looking at Serena, who was taking longer to answer. _For fuck’s sake, why does she have to be so stubborn?_ June thought.

“Good,” Lizette said, not waiting for Serena’s agreement and pointedly ignoring her friend’s glare. “If you are both comfortable with the therapists you are seeing, it would be best if you stayed with them—provided of course they pass the rigorous background check we are conducting. And I’m assuming you want Holly to continue with her sessions, yes?”

“Yes to all of that for me and Holly,” June replied. “Suzanne?”

“Sure—Gretchen is fine. Are you ok with Bridget for our Wife and Handmaid counseling?”

“Yep—she’s great. Same schedule?”

“For you and Nichole, yes. We have to figure out an out-patient schedule for Suzanne. I will schedule you for three days each week for the foreseeable future. And then once a week with Elizabeth,” Lizette stated, her tone leaving no room for discussion.

“Yes, Major,” Suzanne said.

“Am I missing something?” June asked.

“Lizette outranks me, so if she gives me an order, I have to follow it—unless I want to give up my paycheck or spend time in the brig,” Suzanne explained.

“Suzanne, you need to remember that it’s not weak to ask for help. I understand why you left the inpatient program, but you still need therapy. I watched you at the end of the meeting last night. Your anger was palpable, and you were not even out of the hospital for 12 hours. You do not have a handle on your alter-ego, and that’s to be expected. But you don’t have to do this alone,” Lizette said.

Duly chastened, and calmer, Serena rose to leave.

“Thank you, Lizette. I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for us.”

June stood up and said goodbye, and they left the consultation room, exited the medical facility, and headed for their car.

“Here,” June said, handing the keys to Serena.

“Thanks. I’d love to drive,” Serena said, smiling.

“So has it really been like 16 years since you’ve driven?” June asked.

“Yes it has, but it’s all basically the same, isn’t it? Minus the bells and whistles,” Serena asked.

“Pretty much. I didn’t have any problems, except figuring out the fancy GPS system, but I can program it before we take off,” June offered.

“You must be starving. Can I take you out to lunch?” Serena asked.

“That would be really, really nice. Other than pancakes with the family, you and I have never gone out to have a meal together. Hell, we’ve never gone anywhere together—alone.”

“We are doing this whole relationship thing in reverse order, but we seem to be managing. We survived our first day, fight and all, and ended it with a lovely ‘bang’.”

“Ha ha ha…very funny,” June said smirking. _Lovely bang..._

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Serena managed to get the hang of driving quickly, and she headed towards downtown Halifax. Since John Lucas wasn’t a Gilead spy, and there were no trackers hidden on any of them, they decided it was safe enough to venture out into the world for a couple of hours. They parked the car in a public garage, and walked towards the restaurant that June had looked up while Serena was driving.

“What’s this place called?” Serena asked.

“The Stubborn Goat,” June replied.”

“Fuck you.”

“Absolutely, but can we eat first? I’m really hungry,” June said smirking. The moment she saw the name of the restaurant, she knew that’s where they had to go. The fact that the menu looked amazing was a bonus.

The restaurant was relatively quiet, as the lunch crowd had thinned, so they were seated right away. The server took their drink orders and they looked over the menu selections.

“Is this weird for you?” June asked. “I cannot imagine being in Gilead as long as you were.”

“It wasn’t so hideous before the revolution. I was still living a relatively normal life in the real world with restaurants, bars, bookstores, and shopping. But it was pretty rough once Gilead rose from the depths of obscurity to power. That’s when the blue dresses and red gowns and wings came into high fashion, and well, you know the rest,” Serena said. “And of course, the food was shit on a good day. So is it a little weird? I’d say surreal, but I’m going to make the most of it.”

June ordered the lobster mac and cheese with a salad, while Serena ordered the tuna tartare and warm potato and asparagus salad.

“That is exactly what Mrs. Waterford would order,” June said teasing.

“We share the same palate. Whatever I like to eat, she likes to eat,” sipping her water and hiding a smirk.

“I thought this was supposed to be our first date? You’re awfully forward.”

“We might need to revise the scenario a bit to allow for more flexibility. What if we say that we’ve been hooking up casually for a couple of months, and now we want to take our relationship to the next level—so this is our first real date, but we’ve been screwing each other’s brains out for a while,” Serena explained.

“Oh, well then, your double entendre makes perfect sense,” June said, looking at Serena and biting her bottom lip.

“I thought you said you were hungry?” Serena teased.

“Fucking ravenous.”

 _Fuck_ , Serena thought as she felt her panties dampen with her arousal.

“Something wrong? Your face looks a little flushed.”

“Everything is great—it’s just a little warm in here,” Serena said, relieved that their first course had just arrived.

As Serena scooped the tuna onto a homemade kettle chip and popped it into her mouth, she moaned out loud. “This is delicious. Do you want to try some?”

As the taste hit her tongue, June’s eyes went wide. “This really is amazing. It makes my salad taste kinda lame.”

“Here” Serena said as she pushed the dish to the middle of the small table. “There’s plenty—help yourself.” June quickly abandoned her salad, and helped Serena polish off the appetizer.

“We are coming back here again, for sure,” June said, taking a sip of her beer. “I mean, the name alone was enough to sell me, but tuna tartare good enough to make you moan like someone is pleasuring you under the table? Priceless.”

“Glad I could entertain you,” Serena said coolly, feeling her alter ego’s temper start to rise.

“Hey, don’t get all offended. I love it. I love it when you make sexy noises. Really. I wish you could feel me right now. You have completely soaked me and you haven’t even laid a finger on me.”

Slightly mollified, Serena took a deep breath and relaxed her shoulders.

“She’s right there, all the time, isn’t she,” June said quietly, reaching over to take Serena’s hand.

“Yeah. I’m afraid so. I’m sorry. I wish I could just snap my fingers and not be Mrs. Waterford anymore.”

“No—don’t apologize. It’s my fault. I seem to be pushing your buttons, but honestly, I was just trying to tell you how much I love how sexy you are, and how just about everything you do turns me on. Especially when we are someplace where we can’t touch each other,” June said.

Serena’s interest was definitely piqued. “So you like to be teased—just not in bed?”

“I hadn’t thought about it that way, but yes, I suppose so,” June said. “Dates are fun—you go somewhere new, share an experience, and flirt and tease each other so when you get home you can’t wait to fuck each other silly.”

 _Hmmm_ …Serena thought, hatching a plan.


	19. Out all night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The date takes a turn to the sex

After lunch, Serena and June left the restaurant, and, walking hand-in-hand, they headed off in the general direction of the parking garage. “This was a pretty perfect first date—for a couple of girls who’ve been hooking up for a while,” June said, placing a kiss on the back of Serena’s hand.

“It’s not quite over yet,” Serena said, pulling June into the lobby of a very expensive looking hotel. She leaned over and whispered in June’s ear, “I thought we could fast forward to the part where we fuck each other silly.”

June’s eyes lit up and there was only one word to describe her expression…naughty. While Serena went to the front desk to get a room, June called Georges. “Hi….yes, we’re both fine…so I have a favor to ask…wait a minute…how do you already know what I’m going to ask you? Of course she did. Suzanne doesn’t miss anything, does she? May I talk to Holly please?”

“Hi mommy. Me and Georges are having a really good time. He took me for a ride on the carousel in the park and let me pick out my own horse. He’s taking me out for pizza afterwards, and then we’re going to watch a movie before I go to bed.”

“That’s great sweetie. I won’t be home until after you go to sleep—will you be all right if Georges reads you a story and tucks you in?”

“He already told me that you and Serena are on a date, and you’re going to be home very late. He said it’s important that you have time with just each other with no kid and no Georges around,” Hannah explained.

 _Did he, that little minx_ , June thought. “So you’re ok with us being out late?”

“Sure mommy. Here’s Georges again.”

“You’re welcome, Elizabeth. And stay out as long as you like. My little friend and I have a fun night planned. We’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

“You think of everything, don’t you?” June asked as she walked over to where Serena was waiting for her.

“What can I say? I’m a spy and a meticulous planner,” Serena said as they walked onto the elevator together and rode it to the top floor.

Serena slid the key card into the door. When she heard the click, she opened the door into a large suite. As they walked in, they entered into the sitting room, and beyond that was the bedroom with a very inviting king-size bed, and a large, gorgeous bathroom with a walk in shower and a jacuzzi tub. There was also a mini bar and a large executive-style desk, with a leather office chair. The room had a lovely view of the downtown and the waterfront beyond.

“Do you want a drink?” Serena said, opening up the mini-bar to check out the selections.

“Yes I do—is there any gin by chance?” June asked.

“Absolutely,” Serena said, pulling out the mini bottles of Tanqueray and Grey Goose. “Do you want tonic water, and ice, or are you a straight-up girl?”

“Straight’s not doing it for me,” June said, taking off her jacket and hanging it in the closet. “And yes, tonic and ice would be great if you’re bartending.”

“I did bartended when I was in college,” Serena said, smirking as she fixed their drinks.

“Really? Where?”

“It was a private club that catered to women only. They were mostly business executives. They’d come in at lunch, or after work in their suits with their briefcases and spend a couple of hours having a few drinks either by themselves or socializing with friends. Some of the women really were straight, but they preferred the club because there were no men hitting on them and bothering them. Almost without exception, the straight women were the best tippers. And they’d usually be pretty generous buying me and the other younger women drinks all night.” Serena handed June her drink and took a seat on the sofa next to her.

“There’s so much I don’t know about you, and it blows my mind. I mean, I thought I knew you, and I didn’t at all. It’s so fucked up it makes my head hurt,” June said, taking a sip of her gin and tonic. “Oh, that’s nice. If I had come in to your bar after work and you made me a drink as good as this one, I’d have tipped you really well too.”

“If you had come into my bar, I wouldn’t have let you pay for anything,” Serena said, placing her hand on June’s thigh and squeezing it.

“You sweet talker. Is that where you got your flirting skills from? Charming tips out of middle-aged ladies at the bar?”

“A girl’s gotta eat,” Serena said smiling devilishly. “It’s also where I learned to eat pussy. I was very popular.”

“I’m sure you were,” June said, sliding her body closer to Serena and pulling her head down for a kiss. “I might need a demonstration this afternoon—or this evening—or in the middle of the night. Do we really have all night together alone in this decidedly ‘not cheap’ hotel room?”

“We do. As long as you’re ok with it, I wasn’t actually sure you’d agree to it. I know you worry about Hannah, and if you don’t want to stay tonight, we can go home whenever you’d like—no pressure. I just thought it might be nice to have some actual privacy, where we can be as noisy and naked as we want to, and have zero responsibilities except to enjoy each other’s company and relax,” Serena said. “And I think we deserve, it don’t you? Although cheap motels do have their own brand of charm.”

“I don’t mean to sound ungrateful,” June said, reaching over to unbutton Serena’s blouse, slipping it off her shoulders, and depositing several soft, wet kisses on her chest, “but do you really think one night will slake our unquenchable thirst for each other?”

“I hope not,” Serena said, her eyes darkened with lust, as she pulled June up onto her lap so she could straddle her legs. She grabbed her ass, filling her hands with June’s hot flesh. June felt her arousal building, creating a well of wetness between her legs. She swore she could smell herself and it was turning her on. _I don’t know what the fuck this woman does to me, but I hope she keeps doing it to me for a long time,_ June thought.

Serena pulled June’s sweater over her head and placed it carefully on the back of the couch. They didn’t have a change of clothes, so they needed to make sure they looked semi-presentable by the time they arrived back home in the morning. June had a pretty dark blue lace bra on, and Serena took her time running her finger along the edges of the fabric, making June’s nipples stiff and painful. She lowered her mouth and sucked and nibbled one of June’s nipples through the fabric, making June arch her back and moan with need.

“We should move to the bed,” June suggested, and Serena chuckled. “In good time. I want to fuck you on every possible surface of this suite, and we’re starting with this couch.” Serena’s words fanned the flames that were already scorching June’s pussy.

“You’re going to torture me, aren’t you?” June asked, thrilled and nervous all at the same time.

“Maybe, but you’re going to like it,” Serena said, moving her mouth slowly to the previously neglected nipple, taking it in between her teeth and holding it there firmly, while her tongue darted out and licked and stroked the hard tip with her tongue. She was holding back a storm of passion, and she was mustering every bit of self-control not to rush.

“You’re off to an excellent start,” June said, reaching around Serena’s back to unhook her bra. “And I need to catch up.” June pushed Serena against the back of the couch and slid her hands all the way down both of her arms and interlaced their fingers, while her lips and tongue moved slowly and sensuously against Serena’s very sensitive neck. June felt Serena shudder under her touch, and she felt heat rising from between their legs. She was going to have to do something about that soon. Her pants were literally soaked, and she wanted them off, but even more important was getting Serena’s pants off. Hot blood was racing to all of the most erotically charged parts of her body, demanding friction—demanding relief. She had no words to describe how badly she wanted to bury her face between Serena’s legs, inhaling her essence, devouring her sweet nectar, and losing herself in the labyrinth of crevices and planes of her pussy. Just thinking about it sent a sweet and powerful ache between her legs. And June was so very weak when it came to delaying her pleasure.

As though reading her mind, Serena sat up and flipped June onto her back, kneeling over her. She unbuttoned June’s pants with her teeth, and then used them again to slowly slide her zipper down. She breathed in June’s scent, and her head was swimming with desire. June’s hips were rising, desperate to make contact with some part of Serena.

“Patience,” Serena breathed, taking advantage of June’s raised hips to slide her hands inside the waistband and remove her jeans, and let them drop to the floor.

“I’m dying,” June moaned, her attention firmly redirected to her own body’s needs.

“You’re not dying,” Serena said, running her hands slowly over June’s torso, listening to June’s erratic breath and feeling her tension. “Although you’re making me feel sorry for you a little…you do seem genuinely desperate to be fucked.”

“Mmmm, just exactly how sorry do you feel for me?” June asked.

“I’m not sure.” Serena leaned down and hovered over June’s body, her knee positioned right at June’s entrance, but not quite touching it—yet.

“Serena, please,” June whispered, her need overcoming her ego, which had departed the room the room almost as soon as the door to the suite closed.

“I don’t even know where to start with you,” Serena said, her hands massaging June’s breasts, feeling their weight and letting her palms be teased by the hard peaks of flesh. “You’re just so fuckable.”

“There’s an expiration date on my patience and it’s about 30 seconds from now,” June said, glaring at Serena.

“Oh, well somebody better get busy,” Serena said, her hot breath on June’s neck as she showered it with kisses and passionately nipped at the tender, sensitive flesh, while she pulled June's panties down roughly and covered her mons with her hand, fingertips poised at the entrance to June’s vagina.

“Can I?” she asked, and June moaned her assent. Serena unleashed her passion onto June’s neck, her teeth scraping and biting the skin, all the way down to her shoulder where she firmly bit down and suckling the flesh long enough and hard enough to leave a mark. Serena felt drunk, letting her desire run loose like this, and feeling June’s need only inflamed her already aroused body further. Reflexively, she slipped three fingers inside June and buried them deep, pressing against her G-spot and eliciting a delicious moan from June.   
  


“Finally,” June sighed, pleasure coursing through her veins, and making her head tingle.

Serena smiled and braced herself on the arm of the sofa so she could fuck June harder and still lean down and kiss her swollen lips. June buried her hands in Serena’s hair, pulling her closer and demanding that she deepen the kiss. June was losing herself in a sea of desire and she wanted—no, she needed—to come apart in Serena’s arms, if only so that she could climb right back up and do it all over again. She’d never felt anything come close to Serena’s touch—tender and sure, passionate and strong. June was already getting close—she never was any good at delaying gratification, and she saw no reason to start now.

Serena broke their kiss and whispered into June’s ear. “You want to come?”

She felt June’s desperate moan travel through her body and land in her chest. “Show me,’ Serena ordered, and June’s hips immediately started bucking and her back arched. Serena took June’s nipple into her mouth, sucking it as hard as she thought she could get away with. June was panting now, racing to that perfect place where she was floating in a sea of desire and knowing that relief was mere moments away. “Serena, please!” June begged, and Serena’s thumb banged up against her clit while she continued to fuck her hard and suck on her nipple. The combination was effective, and within moments, June’s body bucked and she squeezed Serena’s fingers tightly, soaking her hand as her orgasm washed over her, leaving her body more relaxed than she’d felt since at least the last time Serena fucked her.

As soon as June’s body calmed down, Serena pulled her fingers out, and sat on the sofa, pulling June up so she could hold her. “That whole fucking you on every surface of this suite sounded really good, but this couch is like a sadist's idea of comfort,” Serena said, cracking her neck.

“I tried to get us over to the nice comfy king-size bed, but nooooo….you had to go and be all adventurous,” June said, trying to get up off the evil sofa. “Now it’s my turn to be in charge, and we are going to destroy that bed—understood?”

“Bossy, aren’t we?” Serena said, letting June pull her up off the sofa and lead her to the luxurious looking bed.

“You have no idea.”


	20. More...Just more...

“Do you think we could find a sex shop that delivers?” June asked. “I have a list of things that I really, really wish we had with us right now.”

“Oh really? You want to waste our precious few hours alone hunting down sex toys, when everything we need is right here with us?” Serena asked, making them both another drink. June was sitting up in bed, with the sheet sort of covering her and sort of not covering her. “And besides, the idea of you putting clothes on again before we absolutely have to leave—well, it’s almost sacrilege.”

“I know, I know—I just—well, I nursed this particular fantasy when we were in Gilead. It involved throwing you into a hotel room, taking your clothes away from you, tying you to the bed for an exceptionally long time, and torturing you,” June said.

Serena glared at her, with one eyebrow raised.

“In Gilead?” Serena asked cautiously. “That was before you knew who I was and what I was doing there. Do you think perhaps that part of your fantasy involves torturing Mrs. Waterford and taking away all of her power and making her submit to you completely?”

“Well, if you’re going to get all psychoanalytical, I suppose there might be more than a little truth to that,” June said. “Whenever I was deprived of your sexual favors, because of timing or circumstances, or when we would have a fight, I would promise myself that at the first opportunity, I would take you away for a week and we would do nothing but fuck each other for the entire time. Because I was tortured with my desires and having no outlet for them. And yes, some of that involved tying you up and teasing the hell out of you and making you beg. Because—well, I feel like I’m the one begging all the time—at least in Gilead—and I wanted you to experience what I felt. I wanted you to need me as much as I need you.”

Serena walked over to June, handed her a fresh gin and tonic, and sat in the chair next to the bed the hotel robe she had on carelessly open, leaving almost nothing to the imagination. “So, go ahead. Torture me,” she challenged. “We don’t have any ropes handy, but a good dominatrix is able to control with a look or a word. Surely you must have figured out a few of the things that I’m motivated by?”

June looked at Serena carefully, trying to make sure that it was her talking, and not Mrs. Waterford. She took a healthy swig of her drink, put it down on the bedside table, and said, “I don’t need rope to control you Serena. And I don’t need handcuffs. And I really don’t need to control you. I just thought the aesthetics would be a turn on—at least for me. And my fantasy centered around making Mrs. Waterford powerless. And she’s not here right now, so it’s a moot point, right?”

“So you’re not going to try to top me?” Serena said with a wicked smile.

“To quote Yoda, ‘There is no try. Only do.’’’ June swung her legs over the side of the bed and before Serena knew what ‘was happening, she was kneeling down in front of her, spreading her legs. June deposited soft, wet kisses along the tops of Serena’s thighs, in the crease of her legs, all the while massaging the backs of her thighs with her strong hands. The result was that Serena was melting right in front of her, sliding down further and further until her ass was almost off the chair. June saw her opportunity and placed Serena’s thighs on her shoulders, and brought her mouth right up to Serena’s pussy. June slowly and deliberately reached out with just the tip of her tongue, dipping it into her lover’s increasingly wet and hot slit. Serena gasped, and June moaned with pleasure, as she started licking her pussy in long, light strokes, making certain to enjoy every drop of nectar. Serena relaxed back into the chair, allowing the feelings of pleasure and desire wash over her as June and her tongue transported her to a beautiful place, where nothing mattered but what was happening between her legs. It was early evening, and she could see the lights of the city reflecting in the shadows inside the room. They’d left the shades open, knowing that their room was so high up that no one could see them.

Without warning, June shoved her tongue inside Serena and started doing this amazing swirling motion that took her breath away. She felt a gush of wetness pour out of her, which was immediately lapped up by June. “Fuck that’s hot when you do that!” June moaned, her voice muffled as she pressed her tongue deeper inside Serena.

“I’m glad you like it, because I can’t seem to fucking stop,” Serena said gasping as another wave of pleasure washed over her and more wetness gushed from her pussy. She vaguely knew that she was destroying the upholstered chair, but she really didn’t give a fuck.

June was enjoying herself in a way that she rarely allowed. In Gilead, there simply was no pleasure. Ok, well, maybe a couple of times with Nick, and the few times she and Serena had managed an encounter while they were there, but there was always the threat of violence or death if they were discovered. The penalty for fornication and gender traitory was severe. She saw what happened to Eden and her lover. She never allowed herself to wonder what the penalty might be for a Handmaid caught eating a Wife’s pussy. Gilead was masterful and imagining the most heinous punishments and carrying them out with brutal speed and accuracy.

But today, was almost magical. There were no guards, no Eyes, no Aunts, no Commanders, no depressing Waterford mansion. It was just the two of them. She opened her eyes to look at Serena and her heart caught in her throat. She looked so beautiful and aroused and full of want. It really was spectacular. _I need to remind myself about this moment the next time she pulls a Mrs. Waterford. My eye needs to be on the prize, not in the rear-view mirror._ June brought her attention back to the luscious, swollen flesh in front of her, and decided it was time to kick it up a notch. Without warning, she slid three fingers inside Serena, while her tongue continue to lick and suck on her hard aching clit. June’s own clit was on fire, aching with need, but she remained focused on the woman who was currently bucking her hips into her hand.

“June, please—more,” Serena gasped and she felt relief when June added another finger. It all felt so good, and she had been trying her best to last as long as she could but June’s tongue on its own was amazing—and with her fingers pumping inside of her, she was finding it close to impossible. Serena buried her hands in June’s hair, grabbing onto a handful just for something to hold. She pressed June’s face into her harder, chasing her release.

June didn’t want this to end—ever—but she rationalized with what little was left of her functional brain, that there would be more time—so much more time. She decided to be merciful and give Serena what she needed. June focused her attention on Serena’s clit while her hand kept driving inside of her.

Serena was so turned on, so ready, she thought her head was going to explode. “No one, not ever—not like this,” she mumbled, not sure if she wanted June to hear that or not, but then again, she didn’t really give a fuck right now. She was laser focused on the feelings June was bringing forth from a deep part of her heart and soul she thought she’d locked up forever. “Please June,” she begged, not caring how needy she sounded. “Now!”

June moaned when she heard Serena’s plea and pushed herself as deeply into her pussy as possible, and put perfect pressure on her G-spot. She felt Serena’s walls crash into her hand as she screamed her name, and her whole body released into this moment.

When her body finally stilled, June looked up at Serena and saw tears flowing down her face. June crawled into Serena’s lap and held her as she released her emotions in a way June was pretty sure was a rare thing.

“Sorry,” Serena mumbled, burying her face in June’s chest. “It was just…I don’t know. “

“Shh”, June said, extracting herself from Serena’s lap, and holding her hand out. “Come on and lie down so I can hold you properly.”

Serena allowed herself to be led back to the bed and fell into June’s inviting embrace. These emotions—she hadn’t felt anything close to this—ever. There was something overwhelmingly wonderful and terrifying about all of it. She knew what Mrs. Waterford would do if she’d let June touch her heart in this way—she’d beat the shit out of her and lock her away somewhere that she couldn’t touch her like that again. As Serena Waterford, feelings were the enemy, and took her mind off of the mission. She learned to stuff all but the most pedestrian of emotions way down inside, herself, so deeply she was certain she’d never feel them again. And yet, time alone, away from everyone and everything except the woman who owned her heart, was all that it took to uncover them and let them rise to the surface.

June cradled Serena in her arms, stroking her back and her cheek, waiting for the storm of emotions to pass. For once, she was not going to tease her about this. She knew this was a rare and special thing, and she needed to be a safe place for Serena to fall—where she didn’t have to be strong and have her shit together all the time. If she could make this part of her feel safe, she wouldn’t need Mrs. Waterford as a crutch to rely on when things got to close—too real.

They lay there for about 20 minutes, quietly, just enjoying the peacefulness of being alone with each other, with no other agenda than to make each other happy. “What time is, it?” Serena asked.

“Clock says it’s 7:30. Are you hungry? Do you want to order room service?” June asked.

“Yes please. We need sustenance to get us through the rest of the night. You aren’t tired, are you?”

“Me? Absolutely not. I am not wasting any time on napping and if I should happen to fall asleep, it’s more like passing out from too much pleasure, and that’s really not the same thing as being tired,” June said.

Serena got up and found the room service menu and brought it back to the bed. “This menu is kind of fancy. Where is all the lying bed all night having sex food options?” June asked.

“I’m afraid to even ask you what those might be,” Serena said laughing. It felt good to laugh, just then. There was something lighter about the way she felt, and she liked it.

“Well, I’m always partial to a really big cheeseburger, nice and greasy, with fries.”

“Isn’t that more hangover food?” Serena asked. “Big and greasy, sounds like it might make you sluggish.”

“Oh, well…maybe,” June said, suddenly unsure. “I guess it’s been awhile since I’ve needed either food to fuel sex or to recover from a hangover. It’s easy to get them mixed up.”

“They have breakfast all day—I’m going to get an omelet. You, my dear, are welcome to get whatever you want, but if you eat a bunch of unhealthy, nasty food and then pass out on me and deny me sexual pleasures, I will tease you about it for a very, very long time,” Serena said.

“Sheesh, all right—make it two. I guess I can get hot wings another time. And can you order a pot of coffee, too?” _I really don’t want to fall asleep and miss any of this_.

Serena gave June a withering look and picked up the phone to place their order. “Do you want to jump in the shower while we wait?” Serena asked.

“Gee, I don’t know. You know how we are in the shower.”

“I know. Why do you think I suggested it?”


	21. A new sex trick

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I can’t get enough!” June exclaimed.

“Do you want me to order more food?” Serena said, trying to keep a straight face. They were lying in each other’s arms, resting up until the next time that they couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

“Ha ha, very funny. I’m kind of serious, though,” June explained. I’ve always considered myself to have a normal sex drive. Gilead tried to kill that, but failed miserably. But since the very first time you kissed me in your bedroom, when we talked about planning our escape, it’s like I don’t know myself like I thought I did. I used to read romance books when I was a teenager—like hundreds of them. But I always knew that they were stories—like fairy tales. They weren’t real. No one could sustain that level of desire, that level of passion—it would be too intrusive. But I cannot imagine the day when I wouldn’t want to touch you—when I don’t want you to touch me. It just feels so amazing and I really, literally can’t get enough.”

“Are you worried about it? Does it seem ‘not normal’?” Serena asked.

“What the fuck is normal anyway? I was kidnapped and turned into a sex slave/baby incubator, and I ran away with the woman I thought was my captor, but she actually turned out to be my savior,” June said, stroking Serena’s cheek softly. “I suppose every day I don’t commit a murder or suicide is a good day for me, so needing to have sex with you as often as humanly possible is really not that big of a problem, is it?”

“I think we just went without it for so long that our bodies are trying to cram as much sex in as possible in case there’s another long drought,” Serena said. “It’ll probably slow down gradually and then within a few years, we’ll be having sex on our birthdays and anniversary and the rest of the time we’ll be all domesticated. Wow, that sounds very fucking depressing. Let’s not do that.”

“As long as sex is our preferred methods of communicating with each other, and a primary coping mechanism, I don’t think either of us has anything to worry about,” June said. “Speaking of which, it’s 2 am, and we should probably leave around 5 or 6 so we can be home by the time Hannah wakes up. How would you like to spend the next few hours?”

“I think you know the answer to that, or do you want to hear me say it out loud?”

“No, I don’t need to hear you say it—I’d rather you use your mouth for something else,” June said, taking Serena’s lips into a long, luxurious kiss. Serena moved against June, slipping her thigh between her legs and flipping her on her back, their lips still locked until she moved down to pay homage to June’s tits. “I might not have said this, but your tits are gorgeous,” Serena said, ravishing them with kisses and until finally capturing a nipple into her waiting mouth.

“Fuuucckkk,” June hissed, relieved that her aching nipples were finally being soothed by Serena’s perfect mouth. She reached her hands around and grabbed onto Serena’s ass, pulling her in tighter, putting more pressure on her clit.

“You want something, baby?” Serena asked.

“Yeah—a new sex trick, please,” June moaned.

“I think that can be arranged,” Serena said, her voice low and sexy. “We haven’t tried soixante-neuf, yet—are you interested?”

“I thought you’d never ask,” June said, turning her body around to get into the right position.

“June, lay on top of me—it’s better that way,” Serena said, positioning her face in between June’s legs.

“Wait—it’s upside down this way!”

Serena burst into laughter—so hard her body shook. “Oh my god, that’s the funniest thing I think you’ve ever said to me.”

“Junior lesbian in training here—remember? I’m still figuring all this stuff out, and upside down seems daunting.”

“Just remember to keep breathing. If you get your nose too far up inside me, you’ll suffocate,” Serena said, trying not to laugh.

“You suck sometimes, you know it?”

“I’m trying to, but you’re making it challenging,” Serena said. “All right, in all seriousness—do you want to try this or not, because you can just sit on my face and I’ll be more than happy with that option.

“As tempting as that is, I’m going to carry on—I’m sure I’ll be able to figure it out,” June said, slightly unsure.

“That’s the spirit,” Serena said grabbing hold of June’s legs and pulling her close to her face. She wasted no time and buried her face in June’s pussy, teasing her clit with soft licks and intermittently sucking it into her mouth. She managed to slip a couple of fingers inside June, which made her lover moan in pleasure.

Meanwhile, June had renewed respect for Serena, as she was managing quite well with her end of things, so to speak. June was trying so hard to focus but kept getting distracted by the amazing things Serena was doing to her body. June slipped two fingers inside Serena and began fucking her, and found a rhythm that seemed to work, judging by the way Serena was moving her hips around. _God she’s so fucking sexy. How did I not see this the whole time I was there?_ June dipped her head down and focused on Serena’s clit, licking it first gently, then with more pressure, until she finally sucked it into her mouth. She felt Serena’s reaction, rather than heard it, as she seemed to redouble her efforts in getting June off with her tongue and fingers.

They went back and forth, each one struggling with staying focused on pleasing each other, while at the same time, wanting nothing more than to lose themselves and find their release. Finally, June couldn’t hold back any longer, and when Serena hit the perfect rhythm fucking her while sucking her clit, it took just a few minutes until her pleasure peaked, and she let go, riding out the waves of pleasure for as long as possible.

June wasted no time in catching her breath. She wanted to bring Serena the same pleasure that she’d just received, and she was tired of fumbling around in this awkward, yet very pleasurable position. “Get on top of my face—please” June ordered. Serena was only too happy to comply, and she flipped around and straddled June’s head, releasing a sigh of relief when she felt June bury her tongue deep inside her. “Fuck that’s nice.” Serena knew it wouldn’t take long. June’s tongue felt amazing, and sooner than she wanted to, she reached that place where nothing mattered but coming. “Now, please June!” she begged, grinding into June’s face, chasing relief from this maddening arousal. June moaned and that was all it took to tip Serena over the precipice, falling into a sea of pleasure, her body releasing every bit of tension it was holding. She fell over onto the bed, trying to catch her breath. June wiped her face and placed her hand on Serena’s back, wanting to stay connected, but not really wanting to move right now.

“I think my tongue is sprained.”

“Yeah, that’s a rookie injury,” Serena explained.

“Fuck you.”

“You just did, and it was quite lovely, thank you for asking,” Serena said smirking.

“How long is it going to feel weird,” June asked.

“What, your tongue? I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I hyperextended mine. The good news is, it’s the sort of thing that only happens once,” Serena explained.

“Well that’s good to hear. Hey, are you up for a conversation about something serious?” June asked.

Serena turned to face June and replied, “Of course. What’s on your mind?”

“Nichole. Can we bring her back now? There’s no Gilead spy stalking us. I mean, it’s pretty unlikely that one of the few people who know who we are have turned us in for whatever price has been placed on our head. So can we just get her please? Like right away?”

“Of course. I’ll have Jean-Guy make the arrangements and I’ll encourage him to make it happen immediately,” Serena replied. “I can’t wait to see her…back in your arms, I mean.”

“Serena, it’s not just for me—it’s both of us. I know how much you love her. Under cover or no undercover, you did not have to let me get her out of Gilead! We’ve both been through a lot for that baby. And you’ve kept her safe all this time while we were stuck in Gilead. I don’t even know how you did that.”

“I’m not sure of the logistics, but it was one of the 3 times I had to make contact with my almost non-existent handler. To make sure that they intercepted Nichole at the border and hid her—Gilead wants her back very badly, and they can never know she’s alive and living in Canada with us.”

“And they won’t. I’m impressed with the Agency team—I had my doubts and suspicions but they really seem to be protecting as much as humanly possible.”

“I am glad we have them. They’ve sheltered us, healed us, and protected us. They’re trying to give us back some semblance of a life after what Gilead took from us,” Serena said.

“I guess it’s up to us to figure out what our new life looks like—just for us. And if we have Nichole—well, then we’ll finally be complete,” June said, leaning over to kiss Serena.

“That will be the focus for tomorrow—who knows? Maybe we’ll be picking her up in the next day or two.”

“I sure hope so,” June said, leaning into Serena’s body and wrapping her arms around her. “Then we’ll be all together and I won’t feel like a piece of me is missing.”


	22. Everything is perfect....until it's not

It was fairly torturous for Serena and June to leave their love nest, but they managed to take a quick shower that actually involved getting clean and dressed, then said goodbye to the very memorable room where they spent their very memorable first date.

“I’m going to have to work hard to top that for our next date,” June said smiling as they drove home.

“I can’t wait to see what you come up with. I already want you again.”

“Fuck, Serena, are you kidding me?” June said with mock outrage. “Because I already want you again too. But damn it was fun trying to get all this out of our systems and failing miserably.”

“I guess that’s what love does,” Serena said softly, taking June’s hand in hers.

They snuck into the house, and all was still—no one was up yet. “Do you want coffee?” June asked, and Serena nodded, hanging their coats up in the closet. She flopped on the couch and put her feet up, her body feeling more relaxed and happier than it ever had. She listened to the sounds of June doing something in the kitchen, and closed her eyes. _This is real. This is us. She really loves me, and Mrs. Waterford did not screw our date up,_ Serena thought happily.

June brought Serena a cup of coffee and two pieces of toast, perfectly browned and buttered—just the way she liked it. She went back into the kitchen to get hers and sat next to Serena, their thighs touching, as they enjoyed breakfast.

“I fucking love you,” June said suddenly.

“That’s good because I fucking love you too.”

“Let’s not fuck this up, ok? I’ve never in my life been this happy—never. I want to spend every day loving you, loving our kids, making the world a better place. And I want to grow old with you, and help you find your glasses, and maybe—eeek—your teeth,” June said giggling.

“That’s so romantic, June. Who would have thought?” Serena said.

The sound of Hannah’s feet pounding down the stairs tore their attention away from each other, and June stood up ready to catch her daughter as she launched herself at her legs. “Hi pumpkin! Did you miss us?” June asked.

“Kinda—I didn’t really notice you were gone because I was having so much fun,” Hannah said honestly. “Although I did miss my good night kisses from both of you. Georges’ face is scratchy.”

“Yes. Yes, it is,” Serena said laughing.

Just then, Georges came downstairs. “Oh good—you made coffee! Merci, yes, I’d love a cup Elizabeth. And Holly, could you get old Georges a glass of orange juice please?” Georges sat down right next to Serena and bumped her shoulder. “So, did you have a good time, cheri?” he said quietly.

“You have no idea, but yes. It was pretty magical. Thank you, my friend. We needed that,” Serena said honestly.

“Jean-Guy texted me already. You’re bringing Nichole home?” Georges asked.

“Yes. We’re both ready, and Gilead hasn’t found us yet.”

“Good—I think it’s time too. Holly cannot stop talking about her baby sister. My diaper changing skills are rusty, but I’m sure I’ll pick it up fast enough.”

“I’m sure you will. I love you, my old friend. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Serena said, kissing his cheek.

Just then June and Hannah returned with Georges coffee and juice, and Hannah caught them up on all the fun they’d missed.

“Did you and Serena have fun on your date?” Hannah said smiling and giggling.

June turned 75 shades of scarlet, and Serena quickly jumped in to rescue her. “Yes, we did! We went out for a couple of nice meals, we got to walk around downtown Halifax by the ocean, and you know—grown-up stuff,” Serena said, realizing she’d made an error with that last bit.

“That means you and mommy were kissing and stuff—that’s what grown-up stuff means,” Hannah said, knowing she was right.

“Well sweetie, me and your mommy are always kissing. We love each other,” Serena said, and Hannah gave her a big hug.

“Would anyone like a proper breakfast?” June asked, desperately hoping to end this conversation. It was one thing to be in a relationship with a woman—it was another thing to have her daughter asking questions in mixed company. Although judging by the laugher visible in Georges’ eyes, she didn’t have much to worry about in the mixed company arena.

Seeing three hopeful faces at the mention of breakfast, she got up, grabbed Serena’s hand, and said, “since you two were so nice to give us a night to ourselves, we’re going to pay you back by making you breakfast.”

As soon as they were out of Hannah’s line of sight, Serena had her hand over her mouth and was doubled over laughing. “That child does not miss a thing!” she said when she could finally speak.

“I guess I’m going to have to have more of a talk with her than I have so far, although she’s completely figured everything out all on her own,” June said, grabbing the eggs, butter and cheese from the refrigerator, as well as a package of sausage. “Let me start the sausage because it takes longer—can you manage the scrambled eggs? Hannah and I like ours with cheese, but Georges does not. How do you like yours?”

“Either way is fine—I’m not fussy. I just like eggs,” Serena said, cracking 8 eggs into a glass bowl and whipping them up with a fork. She added a bit of water to the mixture, whipped that up, added salt and pepper, and got non-stick skillets from the cupboard underneath the counter. “How much longer will the sausage take?” she asked.

“About 15 minutes, give or take.”

Serena set the timer for 10 minutes, and pulled June over to her and wrapped her arms around her. “Good. That gives us ten minutes to kiss,” Serena said, nipping at June’s ear.

“Seven minutes—we need to make toast too,” June said as she leaned into Serena’s body and took her lips in a long, sweet and sexy kiss. They focused all of their attention on each other’s lips, feeding the flame of their desire with constant attention. All too soon, the timer went off, and Serena groaned, but June hopped to attention. “Get to it Agent Prince—you have eggs to cook. I’ll take care of the toast.”

“Aye, aye, my captain,” Serena said, saluting and turning her attention to cooking two pans of scrambled eggs—one plain, and one with a lot of cheese.

While the sausage was browning, June set the table, poured more coffee for the adults and juice for Hannah. When they brought the platters of food out, Georges and Hannah were already sitting at the table, waiting for their feast. Serena smiled at the domestic scene playing out in front of her. This was so much nicer than Gilead, when one wrong word could get you killed. She kept that thought to herself, sat down, and proceeded to demolish her breakfast in record time—so fast in fact that George was staring at her with an amused expression on his face.

“That’s quite an appetite you’ve got there, Suzanne.”

“Shut it,” she said, taking a sip of her coffee.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said chuckling, when Serena smiled back at him. “What’s on the agenda today for everyone?”

“Olivia is coming over in a little while for Hannah,” June said. “I believe today is a math quiz, geography and history lessons. I have my usual day of luxury…cleaning, laundry, going for a run, figuring out dinner.”

“I have to go see Jean-Guy today and help with the latest project,” he said winking. He didn’t want to get the little girl’s hopes up if it was going to take a little while to get Nichole back.

“Is there anything I can be helpful with, Georges, or do you and Jean-Guy have it under control?” Serena asked.

“You’re so good at motivating him to do his best. I think you should come with me. I’ll take you to lunch.”

“Fantastic. Do I have time to change?”

“Certainly. June, are you good here on your own with Olivia in the house, or do you want me to stay behind with you?” Serena asked, realizing June had born the brunt of all of the household responsibilities on her own while she was in the hospital. She didn’t want to seem like she was shirking, or making June do too much.

“I know what your special project is, and I want you to handle it as expediently as possible, my love,” June said, finishing her coffee. “So go get changed so you and George can get going. I’m anxious for a fast resolution.”

“Absolutely,” Serena said. “Me too.”

Serena decided on a quick stop before they went to meet with Jean-Guy, much to Georges amusement. They were the picture of domesticity, as Georges drove the cart up and down the aisles of Yo Baby, and Serena filled it as fast as she could.

“Ma chere, we already have just about everything Nichole is going to need. You’re going overboard, aren’t you?” Georges teased.

“Yes, I am. But that child…” Serena got choked up. “That child is the sweetest, most perfect baby in the world, and I am gutted that we missed so much of her first year. That’s the best year—before they talk. They just need to be fed, changed, burped and loved.”

“Like me?”

“Hahaha! Whatever happened to your on again off again girl, Georgette? Although you have to admit, she has an unfortunate name,” Serena joked.

“Her name is fine. It just sounds stupid next to mine. And she’s, well, she’s off at the moment, which is helpful, since I’m living with two lesbians and I couldn’t be happier.”

“We’re so grateful for your help, but you make sure you let me know when you need some space. We don’t expect you to live with us forever,” Serena said. “Oh, we need one of these…and one of these…oh, and this lamp is adorable…oh and I love this blanket…and the shoes! They’re so tiny! We need another cart.”

Georges sighed, happy to be his friend’s pack mule, and finding himself looking forward to meeting Nichole.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

“What on earth do you mean?” Jean-Guy thundered. “Where the fuck is the baby?”

Agent Lyon sputtered into the phone, explaining that he’d taken Nichole to the park, and that there’d been a child who fell and hurt himself on the swing, so he went to check on him. When he came back 2 minutes later, the baby was gone.

“No, no, no, no! Get off the phone with me and put out an amber alert! I’ll pull all the CCTV footage and start looking at it. I’ll get the Canadian Mounties on the case—they’ve saved our ass more than once Quick, we’re losing time!”

Jean-Guy spent the next 30 minutes mobilizing ever agency, every available agent, to find Nichole. Now he had to call Serena.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's read this story. I do love these two tremendously. I know I left a cliff-hanger...that's more for me than for you, but it means I'll be back for the next installment. I actually have an AU story with June and Serena that I'm working on that I'll start posting too--It's already half-way there. Thanks again to the special fans of this ship. We are few, but we are awesomely passionate.


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